


Herding Cats All Over Again

by chamcubia (childishGambino)



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Ashen Romance | Auspistice, Caliginous Romance | Kismesis, Canon-Typical Violence, F/F, F/M, Flushed Romance | Matesprits, It will be SIGNIFICANTLY less horny this time I assure you, Kissing, M/M, Multi, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance, Shipping, Things will occasionally get pretty dark but it's not a Dark Fic or anything, Trans Character, Trans Female Character, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-27
Updated: 2019-06-03
Packaged: 2020-02-07 04:09:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 44,671
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18612844
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/childishGambino/pseuds/chamcubia
Summary: Twelve trolls. Twelve ships. And one innocent oliveblood at the center of it all. Nepeta Leijon has quite a task ahead of her, but can she deliver her friends to troll serendipity before time runs out, or will they all kill each other before then?





	1. A Choice Revisited

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Herding Cats](https://archiveofourown.org/works/349720) by [childishGambino](https://archiveofourown.org/users/childishGambino/pseuds/childishGambino). 



Chapter 1

A Choice Revisited

"Let me tell you a story.

Once upon a time, there was a girl. A Rogue, though she did not know it at the time. She lived, perhaps, an uncommon life. In the dark of night, she hunted fell beasts for equal parts subsistence and sport, and in the light of day, she scurried back into the depths of her cave to escape the scorching rays of the sun, her imagination running wild when she could not, writing and drawing and roleplaying. And always, as was simply her nature, her thoughts turned to romance... but only ever musings, and nothing more.

One day, the girl and a miser's dozen of her friends would take part in a game, a game that seemed to cause, or at the very least coincide with, a massive, cataclysmic upheaval, one which ripped their world apart as they fled to another entirely. And she played her part, battling monsters and ascending through gates, helping her teammates as much as she could, but never particularly distinguishing herself. And just when it seemed like the girl and her friends had won, their victory was snatched from them, and their hopes of ever claiming their prize cut in twain. Though their every step on the path was just in place, they were still lost, completely and utterly.

And even in this ignoble state, the girl's relevance dwindled. In the end, her friends turned on one another, and in a moment of bitter irony, she was killed by perhaps the only one of them that could have been less important than her. Or perhaps it was sheer contrivance that killed her, the cruel author of Paradox Space disposing of less essential characters by whatever means he found most amusing at the time. In the end, she was almost completely forgotten, her name only passingly mentioned in irritated jest by the boy she loved most of all."

The words sting. Nepeta has been standing agape in front of the Denizen, entranced at the colors shifting and dancing within her massive, butterfly-like wings. As she'd looked, she could almost see the story playing out... not of the girl, but through her eyes. They were faint, but painfully familiar, and as they grew darker and darker, she'd felt a mounting sense of dread. But now the Denizen's wings have gone completely black, and Nepeta can do nothing but look up at its (her?) blank, almost featureless face, the faintest trace of olive moisture just beginning to well up in the corners of her quivering amber eyes.

"Is... is that the end of the story?" Probably a stupid question, but it was the second to come to her mind, and she... doesn't want to ask the first yet.

"There is an epilogue, of course," the Denizen replies thoughtfully, mulling the question over for a bit. "More than one, even, with a bit of thought. But they are both even more dismal and draining than the conclusion itself. In one, the girl's body is handled like a piece of meat, hacked apart and sewn together with another of her unfortunate compatriots, only to be robbed of their voice and torn apart once more. And in another, she lives on, in a way, but as a gossamer thin candy shell atop another, stronger will, her ultimate self reduced to a set of horns and claws and verbal tics to be worn like a pair of sunglasses."

The troll frowns. Well, she was already frowning, so the frown she's already wearing simply deepens. There's... really no getting around this, is there? She looks down, fingers rubbing at her palms as the first question returns to her, though she's certain she already knows the answer. "So the girl in the story is... me, right?"

But then the Denizen says something she doesn't expect. "No."

Immediately, Nepeta looks up, the look on her face shifting from dismay to bafflement. "W-what?"

"The girl was you, for a time," the Denizen explains, "or rather, you were her. But at some point along the way, the arc twisted ever-so-slightly, the author of this tale making an errant keystroke that has sent everything spiraling off course. After all, it was never part of the tale that the girl would hear it in its entirety."

"Huh." She looks down once more, her hand moving up to rub the back of her neck. "Yeah, I guess that wouldn't really make sense. But what happened?"

The Denizen looks down at her pensively. "You recall what sent you to me in the first place, do you not? The voice in your head urging you down this path?"

**I THINK SHE'S TALKIN ABOUT ME, KID.**

Urgh. Even with the Denizen's voice reverberating in her head like it's echoing off every wall of the cavern and every fold of her think pan, that stupid exile still somehow sounds louder to her. "Yeah, I know!" she replies a little louder than she intended, one hand moving up to hold her forehead, bracing herself for the headache she's probably about to get.

**NO, I MEAN, SHE'S LITERALLY TALKIN ABOUT ME. WITH THE KEYSTROKE THING. THERE WAS THIS LIGHT ON THE KEYBOARD THAT WAS ANNOYIN ME, SO I BASHED IT A FEW TIMES UNTIL IT WENT OFF, AND THEN YOU POPPED UP.**

"Wow, that's very interesting!" It's not interesting in the slightest. Except... "Wait, a light on your keyboard? I think that's scroll lock." Sollux always yells at people about that one.

**SCROLL LOCK? OH YEAH, THERES A KEY FOR THAT. HEY, THATS IT! THANKS, KID.**

"Yeah, sure, no problem!"

**WHAT DOES SCROLL LOCK EVEN DO ANYWAY.**

"Hey, look, I'm kind of in the middle of an important conversation, so could you maybe shut up, please?"

**YEAH SURE KID, I LIKE YOU. YOUVE GOT A FIRE IN YER BELLY, UNLIKE THAT LITTLE TWERP IN THE FANCY CHAIR.**

" _Shut up!_ " And there's the headache. After waiting for a moment to make sure he's stopped talking, Nepeta lets out a sigh and looks back up at the Denizen, clearly a little embarrassed. "Sorry about that. He's... noisy."

"Indeed." It almost sounds like the Denizen is smiling, but her (their?) lips appear to be a perfectly straight line. "But regardless of whether it was the exile's careless insertions or some other cause, this telling of the story has veered wildly off course, and it appears that it may soon reach a point of cessation."

Nepeta raises an eyebrow. "Cessation?" Off the top of her head, she doesn't know what that means. She knows what 'cease' means, obviously, but that's a weird leap to make it into a noun.

"Are you familiar with the concept of a 'doomed timeline?'"

"Uh, kind of?" She's heard of it briefly from Aradiabot, not that they communicate that much outside of the occasional terse status update in a memo. "It sounds bad, though."

The Denizen gives a sage nod, as if there was anything at all sage about Nepeta's summation. "To put it simply, it means that the course of events guaranteeing the existence of this universe has been compromised, and that the mechanisms of Paradox Space will quickly engineer the deaths of all of its inhabitants and the complete and utter destruction of the fabric of spacetime within this unfortunate branch from the intended course of events."

Nepeta gulps. "That's bad."

Another sage nod. Nepeta is convinced the Denizen is just humoring her now. "Indeed it is. But even if we find ourselves in such dire circumstances, not all hope is lost."

"It isn't?" Because it sounds like the least hopeful possible situation to her!

The Denizen's brow furrows slightly, as if in deep self-reflection. "It is fortunate that you have set foot in my lair so soon in your quest. In the intended course of events, I know that you are destined to slay me, as are your fellow players with their own Denizens. But for the moment, all twelve remain."

Nepeta's hand rubs at the back of her neck, and she looks away a little bashfully. "Oh, yeah, we're supposed to, uh... kill you guys," she recalls. "But we're not ready for it yet. Not even Vwiskers, from what I hear, and she's pretty strong!" Kind of embarrassing to admit to the big, scary creature you're supposed to kill.

The Denizen closes their (its?) eyes. "It is understandable that you would seek to destroy us. But I believe that our powers, combined with your own, may yet bring succor to this ill-fated offshoot."

The troll hesitated for a moment. "Uh... sucker?"

"Succor," the Denizen repeated, sounding like a different word even if it was pronounced exactly the same. "It means anodyne, or relief."

Okay, what the fuck is anodyne? Why can't these Denizens just talk like actual people??? Nepeta just sighs, giving a little almost dismissive wave. "Right, sorry, thanks. But... you mean we can save this timeline, somehow? How?"

The Denizen remains stone-faced. "It will... not be easy," it (no, 'she' feels better) gently warns the troll. "And the specifics of it would likely... go over your head, if you will forgive me. But you do have a part to play in it, and unlike your role in the alpha timeline, it may be the most important of all."

"Really?" Her eyes light up slightly at that. Maybe it was selfish of her... well, no, it was definitely selfish of her, but she has to admit, the idea of playing a role of any significance at all is a little exciting to her, let alone the _most_ significant. Hey, find the silver lining in a dark cloud, right?

"Yes. But... that brings us to the matter of your Choice."

Uh oh, that sounded like a capitalized word. No, even worse, it sounded like an _underlined_ capitalized word! The Denizen's wings flutter briefly, and the dizzying multicolored spirals within them (which had slowly faded back in without Nepeta noticing) once again begin to shift and realign themselves. Soon, the lines have coalesced into twelve vibrating squiggles, which quickly take the form of a series of colored shapes that she immediately recognizes: her symbol, and those of her friends. They aren't arranged by hemospectrum, as she would usually do when she occasionally drew out shipping wheels, but by the order they entered Sgrub. Her symbol is on the right wing, just above those of Aradia and then Equius, all six of them outlined faintly in blue and purple, with the six on the left wing framed in red and gold.

And then, suddenly, a network of lines appears between all twelve of them, messy and jumbled and chaotic, shifting and changing colors, some lines tugging at others, clashing against one another, bisecting and trisecting and overall producing a completely unintelligible maelstrom. There is one line, though, that seems fairly stable: a faint pink thread connecting her symbol to that of Equius, though it seems a little thin, and does appear to be wavering ever-so-slightly on closer inspection.

She... can't help but squint, trying to see if there's a line connecting her to Karkat... but it's completely impossible to tell.

"Between you and your fellow players, there exists an almost interminable state of strife and discord," the Denizen explains. "Even for a set of six-sweep-old Alternian trolls, the hostilities that exist between you are extraordinary. You likely have not noticed it, due to your conflict-averse nature, but the conflicts between the lot of you have made you unhappy, deeply unhappy, and it is this tension between you that will inevitably tear you apart."

Nepeta doesn't think she's _that_ unhappy, really. She's enjoyed fighting monsters and building things in the game, but... well, aside from getting bossed around by Equius and having the occasional friendly chat with Terezi, she doesn't really interact with the others that much. And thinking about it, she feels a bit like a background character. A bit player. A... punchline. Her shoulders slump slightly. Maybe the Denizen is right.

The massive being regards her curiously. "You have isolated yourself from the others, have you not?"

She's hesitant to answer. "I... guess I have, yeah."

"And why is that?"

"Because of everything you said," the troll replies, crossing her arms defensively. "All of them are always arguing and fighting with each other. Eridan and Sollux are trying to kill each other, Aradia apparently actually did kill Vriska? It's just a mess. And even if Equius did let me talk to them, I... don't think they'd take me seriously anyway."

Another sage nod. "You are twelve souls at odds with one another, and that is what drives you to such dissonance. And yet... you are a Hero of Heart, and power over the soul is uniquely within your demesne."

Nepeta blinks. Not because she doesn't know what 'demesne' means; it sounds enough like 'domain' that she can figure it out. She looks up at the Denizen. "You mean... I can do something about it? About everybody making each other miserable?"

The lines connecting the twelve of their symbols in the Denizen's wings begin to shift once more, but where once they were whirling and chaotic, now they fly straight and with purpose. "It is firmly within your capabilities as a Rogue of Heart to ease the suffering of your companions, to soothe their souls and bring harmony where once there was dissonance and despair." Soon, a dazzling array of bold, rigid lines have formed a stout matrix between them, solid bands of red and pink and... all sorts of other colors, actually. It's all just lines and symbols, but something about it is... inspiring.

"The only question is how you choose to do so." It notably wasn't whether Nepeta would do it or not. She was very quick to make up her mind on that matter.

She looks down at her hands. Does she really have the power to do that? It's all a little overwhelming. "I... I mean, I don't even know how to do so. I've been doing a few quests, but so far, I haven't really learned how to do any sort of... Hearty thing."

**WELL FIGURE IT OUT.**

Nepeta winces.

"And that is precisely the nature of The Choice."

There's that particular emphasis again. That was _definitely_ underlined, capitalized text. And two words in a row! She looks up at the Denizen. "So what is it?"

The Denizen appears to breathe in, though it's questionable whether or not this thing even has lungs. "Fulfilling the duty of bring unity to your teammates will require an absolute mastery of Heart," she explains. The web of lines connecting their twelve symbols disappeared, and across both wings appeared the great half-filled symbol of Heart. "It is a uniquely powerful thing, to manipulate a soul, and to do so irresponsibly would result in ruin."

"Wait, 'manipulate a soul?'" Nepeta repeats, clearly not thrilled with the idea. "Is that what I'd be doing?"

"That _is_ the nature of your aspect," the Denizen reminds her. "Regardless of your reservations, you are a Rogue of Heart, and you will ply your trade by the same mechanisms one way or another."

Nepeta frowns. "What does that mean?" she asks, looking down and stopping to think about it. "I guess Heart is about souls, and a Rogue..." Her eyes widen. "I'm not gonna steal my friends' souls and make them my slaves, am I?!"

The Denizen blinks. "That is... one interpretation of what you might do."

The troll immediately throws her hands up. "No way!" Seriously, what kind of shitty Heart player fixes all of their friends' problems by literally taking control of them and playing out their lives for them like puppets? The worst, shittiest kind of Heart player, that's what kind! She puts her hands on her hips defiantly. "If that's what I have to do, then forget it!"

"I suspected you might find the prospect... distasteful," the Denizen replies, and the symbol of Heart quickly fades from her wings. "But perhaps it is simply a matter of framing."

Nepeta blinks. "What do you mean?"

The Denizen's head slowly tilts down to look at the troll a little more directly. "Tell me, Rogue. What are the standards you set for a harmonious interpersonal relationship?"

Immediately, Nepeta's thoughts jump to Equius. She looks away briefly and smiles. "Well, probably the quadrants."

"Ah yes, the codified romantic systems of your species," the Denizen replies, Nepeta hearing a smirk from her even if she doesn't see it. On her wings appear the four symbols: a bright red heart, a pale pink diamond, an ashen grey club, and a stark black spade. "And is it not true that you believe that the mechanisms of fate will eventually lead you to these 'quadrants' being filled by your ideal partners, through the channels of... troll serendipity?"

"I... I mean..." She rubs the back of her neck once more, looking away bashfully. "Yeah, I guess... but what are you suggesting?"

The Denizen looks down directly at Nepeta, and she can feel the creature's eyes gazing directly into her soul. "I believe that the mechanisms of fate are no longer operating in your favor," she explains. "So what I am suggesting, Rogue, is that you find someone else to operate them." The images on her wings have once again shifted to the twelve symbols of her and her friends, but now connected by arrays of colored lines, red and pink and grey and black. And then they fade to another arrangement, and another, and another...

Nepeta doesn't know what to say. "Y-you mean..." She points at herself. "...me?"

"Yes."

"So you want me to..." She couldn't believe she was about to say this. "You want me to... ship them?"

The Denizen continues to stare directly at her, clearly not amused. "I am _aware_ of the interminable intellectual exercises you scrawl upon the walls of your cave, Rogue," she says, her voice barely rising a single semitone above its usual monotone, but Nepeta can feel the rage deep within it. "Simply 'shipping' your companions is not sufficient. You must make them a reality, guide your friends to care for one another by whatever means you find acceptable."

Nepeta shivers a little at the command. "I mean... that's a _kind_ of shipping, it's just... _advanced_ shipping," she's quick to justify.

"So are you up to the task or not?"

Nepeta looks up at the shipping patterns displayed on the Denizen's wings. There are... so many possible ways they could go, and In reality, she'd never actually set anyone up in a single quadrant before, let alone... twenty-one of them! It was a daunting task, to be certain, and she wasn't sure if she really was up to it...

But. There was another part of her that was excited! She'd always wanted to see herself as a kind of romance expert, knowing all the right things about who's compatible and who's not, and how to help people find the perfect matches for their quadrants, and... this was her chance to actually do that! Maybe it wouldn't be easy. Maybe it would be the hardest thing in the world. But still... she wanted to try it!

Her gaze sweeps up to meet the Denizen's, a look of confidence painted across her face. "Yes!"

The Denizen looks satisfied, even though her face is unmoving. "Then it is time for The Choice to be made." A sudden gravity seems to fill the Denizen's chamber, and Nepeta takes in a deep breath as she continued to look up at the beast. "Rogue of Heart, in order to heal the many rifts that have formed between your friends, you will require a complete and total mastery of the methods of Heart. Will you pursue this knowledge directly, making explicit use of your powers in order to achieve your aims? Or will you reject the direct approach, instead electing to deliver them to a harmonious outcome through the channels of the quadrants?"

Nepeta doesn't hesitate for a moment, firmly planting her feet on the ground. "I refuse to manipulate my friends! I'll take the path of the quadrants anytime!"

"Are you absolutely certain?" the Denizen asks, her blank white eyes once again piercing into Nepeta's own. "Actively using your powers would be the most straightforward path, and the one you have chosen is more difficult than you might imagine. And should you mismanage the relationships of your friends, the results may be even more calamitous."

She pauses for a moment. "I mean... you might be right," she admits. But then she balls her hands into fists, and shakes her hand. "But still, the alternative is just... wrong. I don't really have a choice here."

"You always have a choice."

"Well, yeah... but sometimes, it's obvious which choice is the right one."

And then, the Denizen does something Nepeta doesn't expect: she laughs. A sharp, airy thing that comes out of her open mouth that Nepeta can't even immediately parse. But as quickly as it happened, the Denizen is stone-faced once more. "So you stand by your Choice?"

"Yes."

"Then The Choice is made." There isn't a noise, but Nepeta immediately feels the gravity leave the room... and be replaced with an even heavier air. "And now The Task must be accepted." Her wings flutter briefly, and the image of the twelve symbols reappears, larger and more distinct. "Rogue of Heart, by the bounds of The Choice you have made, The Task is clear: unite your band of players with the bonds of the quadrants, matespritship, moirallegiance, kismesissitude, and auspisticism, twenty-two in all." The configurations shift faster and faster, honestly starting to make Nepeta a little dizzy at the sheer number of combinations.

But eventually, she has to speak up. "Um, actually," she starts, hesitantly raising a finger. "Do you think it's actually a good idea to do all the quadrants? I mean, if I'm really supposed to heal all the rifts between us, I'm not sure if setting up a bunch of kismesissitudes would really help with that."

The Denizen is silent for a moment. "...Perhaps you have a point." Slowly, the black lines vanish from the flasing patterns in her wings. "Sixteen, then. Matespritship, moirallegiance, and auspisticism. Is that acceptable?"

Nepeta looks away "Well..."

The Denizen is unimpressed. "What?"

"It's just... I'm not sure about auspisticisms either."

"It is a conciliatory relationship," the Denizen points out, her ever-monotonous voice still somehow sounding impatient. "Its purpose is literally to ameliorate conflict."

Nepeta lets out a high little groan. "Well, sure, _technically_ , but it's... kind of a stop-gap thing, isn't it?" she argues. "I mean, wouldn't it be better to try to resolve the underlying conflicts instead of relying on auspistices to keep things civil?"

The Denizen looks directly at Nepeta once more. "Do you not want to do auspisticisms?"

The troll sighs. "I mean... not really?"

"Why not?"

"Because auspisticism is weird and I don't get it, okay!" she replies, getting a bit flustered at this point, a bit of an olive flush rising to her cheeks. "I mean, I don't like kismesissitude either, but at least I _get_ it! I can understand the appeal! But for an auspistice, it's just like... why?!" She actually turns away completely at this point, beginning to pace from side to side as she continues ranting. "Why does it have to be the only quadrant with three people? And why does one of them have to be in a completely different role? It's so hard to draw shipping grids for this! Like, do I draw a triangle between them? Or just three lines going to a single point? How do I differentiate the auspistice from the auspisticized pair? What do I even _call_ the auspisticized pair?! It's so annoying!"

At some point in this rambling, the Denizen has leaned back, looking up toward the ceiling and appearing to take a deep breath in and out. But soon, she speaks once more. " _Rogue._ Stop this."

Nepeta flinches, and she stops instantly. "S-sorry," she mumbles, rubbing her arms bashfully.

"You have driven a hard bargain... But I accept," the Denizen declared stoically. "Twelve quadrants. Matespritship and moirallegiance."

In spite of herself, Nepeta does a little fist pump. "Yessss!" And then she immediately feels embarrassed about doing that and sighs. "Sorry, I mean... thank you," she says with a little bow. "But... are you sure that'll be enough? I mean, I don't _like_ blackrom, but I can't just ignore it if it means dooming us all."

The Denizen shakes her head slightly. "No, I am certain it will be sufficient," she assures Nepeta. "But there are other terms to discuss."

Nepeta lets out a sigh of relief. She really isn't good with blackrom. "Okay, like what?"

"Regarding the matters we have spoken of here, and the terms of The Task, you must speak of this with no one," the Denizen decreed. "It would be in violation of The Choice you have made to coerce your friends into relationships under threat of oblivion."

Oh jeez, she has a point. Nepeta can't help but grimace just a little. "Yeah, that's not giving them much of a choice at all, huh? It's not really any better than stealing their souls and making them dance like puppets."

The Denizen's mouth flattens in what almost appears to be a frown, clearly taking some issue with Nepeta's interpretation of her powers, but she raises no objection. "So you agree to the term?"

Nepeta simply nods in response. "Yeah."

"Good. And now the final matter, and the one I believe you might find the most contentious." The Denizen looks down at Nepeta, and the troll could swear she can see beast's eyebrows slope ever-so-slightly, or at least the places where her eyebrows would be if she had them. Like she's looking at Nepeta with pity. "The matter of the boy."

Nepeta blinks. "...What boy?"

"You know which boy," the Denizen insists. "The subject of your... OTP?"

Oh. Oh god. Nepeta's eyes widen in an instant, and she can feel her cheeks growing hot with a bright olive blush. "W-what about him?"

The Denizen closes her eyes for a moment. "I know that what I ask is cruel, but... you must not pursue him. Not immediately. Only after all other matters are settled may you allow yourself to take your place next to him."

Nepeta's heart sinks. "B... but why?"

"Well, why have you not pursued him thus far?"

"I...!" The troll's objection dies in her throat, and she looks away in shame. "I mean... it just... it hasn't been the right time..." The words fall from her lips like a heavy load, and as she hears them reverberate in her head, it almost sounds like the Denizen is the one saying them, but it's not.

The beast looks at her with recognition. "You are not ready, and neither is he," she explains. "You are not yet the person who loves you, and he is not yet the person who you love."

In an instant, Nepeta's hands are balled into fists, and she growls as she looks up at the Denizen. "What do you mean, he's not....! How can we both not be ready?!"

And once again, she's shaken to her core as the Denizen lets out another laugh, this one lower, darker. "My dear, you have _so_ much to learn in matters of the Heart." For her part, Nepeta simply fumes, grumbling and looking away. "Regardless of your objections, those are my terms. You are welcome to disregard them, if the death of the timeline means nothing to you."

Nepeta crosses her arms, continuing to look at the floor, and then another section of the floor as she thinks it over. "Think of him as your prize," the Denizen speaks up. "It would not do to have you claiming it early and leaving your job unfinished, now, would it?"

Well, that's one way of looking at it. But... "If... if I do wait, will he...?"

The Denizen is as stone-faced as ever. "Return your feelings?" she presumes, and Nepeta doesn't answer, but that's what she meant and the beast knows it. "I cannot claim to be a master of the vagaries of the mortal heart, but I am comfortable giving you an assurance: If you abide by my terms, his feelings for you will be a perfect reflection of yours for him."

That's... comforting. After thinking about it for a very long moment, Nepeta finally speaks up. "...Okay. Fine. Is that everything?"

"That is the last of my terms," the Denizen confirms. "And as long as yours fall within those boundaries, I see no reason to take exception. You are free to pursue the aims of The Task however you see fit."

And just like that, the gravity of the room seemed to dissipate. Instead of feeling it crushing her, it now felt like it was buoying Nepeta up. She... she was gonna be a proper shipper. An advanced shipper. In fact, she has to be! Slowly, her reservations about the Denizen's restrictions seem to melt away, and she feels... energized. Thrilled, even! She was gonna do this! She jumps a little in place, clapping her hands together and rubbing them eagerly. "Oh jeez, this is... exciting! I've got so many ideas already! I think I'm gonna start by... making a memo! A shipping memo! I can make a shipping memo, right?"

"Yes, that is acceptable," the Denizen answers. "I do find them enjoyable." Do the Denizens read memos? Can they do that? That seems a little weird.

"Yes!" Nepeta replies gleefully. "Oh, and maybe I'll just talk to everybody about who they can be shipped with, like little... shipping appointments. Or, oh, shipping sweeps!"

"If I may." Nepeta is a little shocked when the Denizen suddenly speaks up. "It may be better that you do not take quite such an... active role."

The troll blinks, looking up at the Denizen a little confused. "What? But... it's kind of urgent, isn't it?"

The Denizen appears to take a deep breath in and out. "It is an important duty, certainly," she answers, "but it is not something to be rushed. You have chosen the path of greater subtlety, and a more subtle approach would better suit The Choice you have made."

"So what do you mean?"

"You are perfectly welcome to speak with them on matters of romance, of course," the Denizen advises. "But I would recommend taking a gentler tack. Guide your friends, but do not lead them." Her lips curl the slightest bit, almost approximating a smile. "Think of your job as... herding cats."

Nepeta giggles at the thought, but then considers it for a bit. "Is that another term?"

"Merely a suggestion," the Denizen replies. "The price of disobedience is not oblivion, in this case. Though there may be greater forces than Paradox Space that would prefer it be so."

That's... a strange thing to say. But Nepeta doesn't dwell on it for long. Denizens just say cryptic shit all the time, really. "Okay, then... I'll consider it!"

"That is all I ask."

"Alright! Then..." Nepeta begins to turn away, and then looks back to the Denizen. "I guess I'll get going. And I'll get started on my Task right away!"

The Denizen's torso bends in what appears to be a bow. "For your sake and ours, I pray for your success. It was a pleasure to meet you, Rogue of Heart."

The troll chuckles. "Please, just call me Nepeta!" she insists, and then raises her hand in a friendly little wave. "And it was nice to meet you too, Miss, uh... Denizen!"

One last laugh, though this time, Nepeta was expecting it. "Please. Call me Psyche."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And now, if I may, a declaration of terms of my own.
> 
> 1\. Yes, I'm rewriting this because of the Homestuck epilogues. They have left me deeply... dissatisfied. But I can hardly complain, because I left my own grand, epic story without a satisfying conclusion. And thus, to quote James Moriarty from Supernatural, I am burdened with glorious purpose.
> 
> 2\. This will not be a perfect rewrite. Different things will happen. Hopefully, some rushed bits and contrivances will be smoothed out. Not all of the ships you've grown to know and love (or Aradia ♠ Tavros) will be endgame. In fact, I'll spoil one for you: Aradia ♠ Tavros won't be endgame, because it fuckin' sucks.
> 
> 3\. Unlike the original, which was mostly a seat-of-the-pants affair written to match all the ships I had in mind, I'm planning this version out a lot more. I've got almost all of the major plot beats worked out right now, including endgame ships, so hopefully it will work a little better as a story and things will feel a little better connected. And things will be a little more... dramatic.
> 
> 4\. Oh hey, speaking of things being dramatic, you see the tags about graphic violence and major character death? Yeah, those will be things that eventually happen. It's a Homestuck fanfic, after all. Like I said in the other tag, though, this isn't a dark fic or anything. A few chapters might seem absolutely miserable, but just bear with it and I swear things will get better. Or don't! You know your own limits better than me.
> 
> 5\. One of my least favorite things about the original Herding Cats that makes it hardest for me to go back and look at is... just how fuckin' horny everything is. Everybody's just listing their kinks like it's a fucking F-List chat, and people are kinda violating each other's boundaries, and god, there's genetic material all over _everything_ and _somebody's_ gotta mop it up, and who do you think has to mop it up? It's me! I do! It sucks. So one of my major goals with this rewrite is to make it extremely less horny. There will be no explicit references to 13-year-old aliens fucking, nor will there be implicit references to 13-year-old aliens fucking. Well, okay, there may be references to 13-year-old aliens being intimate with one another, but I promise that my my shortstops are on duty to prevent anyone from getting significantly past first b... wait, shit, the shortstop is between second and third base. Nobody's getting to second base! Or third base! Wait, what is second base again? Okay, MAYBE they'll get to second base, but I'm not describing it!!
> 
> 6\. Oh yeah, I'm also gonna make it gayer. Not 100% gay, because Nepeta ♥ Karkat is what the entire fuckin' fic revolves around, but I'll try to make it at least twice as gay. Yes I know bisexuality exists, I just like referring to same-sex pairings as "Gay", okay? Anyway, The Gay Agenda is at work here.
> 
> 7\. I will attempt to post an update once a week on Fridays, but real life may intervene. At the moment, I have an unfortunate glut of free time, which will hopefully change sometime in the future, which may cut into my schedule. I'll be trying to work up a backlog, though, but please bear with me if schedule slip starts to occur. I'm only human.
> 
> 8\. One last thing: Big thanks to the folks at the Homestuck Content Creation Station Discord, who have given a lot of valuable feedback on my story planning. You can join it at <https://discord.gg/AJ3gwDw>. (Careful, there's NSFW stuff there.) I've got a _secret_ channel there for discussing plot beats and such, which I may or may not let you join. Just don't go leaking my shit. Don't even think about it, meowtherfucker.
> 
> 9\. Oh, and if you wanna reach me to point out typos or ask me to tag stuff or just tell me how great I am and give me money, my tumblr's at <https://chamcubia.tumblr.com/>.


	2. Maiden Voyage

Chapter 2

Maiden Voyage

CURRENT arsenicCatnip [CAC] RIGHT NOW opened memo on board :33 < THE SHIPPING WALL.  
  
CAC: :33 < *normally the rogue of heart would flutter to the ground on her beautiful olive wings, throwing purretty gr33n sparkles efurry which way*  
CAC: :33 < *but she has to be subtle! a rogue best plies her trade in the shadows after all*  
CAC: :33 < *she pounces down from teapot to teapot, finally alighting on the cube-covered ground with nary a sound, and scurries away to her secret lair*  
CAC: :33 < *here in the depths of this cave... will be the purrfect place to craft her greatest work!*  
FUTURE gallowsCalibrator [FGC] 4 MINUTES FROM NOW responded to memo.  
FGC: >8?  
FGC: *TH3 DR4GONYYYD L3G1SL4C3R4TOR SN1FFS TH1S SC3N3 CUR1OUSLY 4S SH3 S1TS P3RCH3D H1GH 4TOP 4 N34RBY T34 K3TTL3*  
FGC: *JUST WHO 1S MYST3R1OUS M4UV3-CL4D F1GUR3, 4ND WH4T 1S SH3 UP TO?*  
CAC: :33 < *well wouldnt the legislacerator like to know!*  
CAC: :33 < *but if she DID know, then she would know that this is where the rogue will plan the greatest work of shipping that paradox space has efur s33n!*  
CAC: :33 < *six sets of matespurrits and six sets of meowrails betw33n twelve trolls... an arrangement so purrfectly harmeownious that even troll serendipity itself couldnt pull it off!*  
FGC: OH  
FGC: 1S TH4T 4LL? JUST 4 SH1PP1NG TH1NG?  
FGC: 1 M34N, YOU 4LR34DY DO PL3NTY OF TH4T  
CAC: :33 < its not just a shipping thing  
CAC: :33 < this time its fur real!  
FGC: WH4T?  
CAC: :33 < they arent just silly things im painting on my walls this time  
CAC: :33 < these ships are gonna sail!  
FGC: 1NT3R3ST1NG  
FGC: 4ND YOUR3 GONN4 B3 TH3 ON3 TO... M4K3 TH3M H4PP3N?  
CAC: :33 < thats right!  
CAC: :33 < this isnt your ordinary efurryday shipping  
CAC: :33 < this... is ADVANCED SHIPPING!  
PAST arachnidsGrip [PAG] 2:08 HOURS AGO responded to memo  
PAG: Actually, I’m gonna have to correct you on that one, Nepeta.  
PAG: What this is........ Is the dum8est thing I’ve ever heard of in my life!!!!!!!!  
PAG: Aaaaaaaahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!  
CAC: :33 < oh vwiskers why dont you can it!!  
PAG: Pfffffffft. What are you gonna do a8out it, ship me to death?  
FGC: M4YB3 YOU SHOULD 4CTU4LLY DO TH4T N3P3T4  
CAC: :33 < nobody is getting shipped to death!  
PAG: Well, you should pro8a8ly start changing your plans, 8ecause the only way I’m a8out to get "shipped" is over my dead 8ody!!!!!!!!  
CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo  
CCG: OKAY, OKAY, AS APPEALING AS THE IDEA OF VRISKA DYING IS, I’VE GOTTA ASK.  
CCG: NEPETA, WHAT THE FUCK IS ALL THIS?  
CAC: :33 < its exactly what it sounds like!  
FGC: 1 TH1NK SH3 L41D TH3 CONC3PT OUT PR3TTY CL34RLY K4RK4T  
CCG: WAS I ASKING YOU?  
FGC: W3LL NO, BUT 1 W4SNT 4NSW3R1NG YOU  
FGC: 1 W4S JUST K1ND OF G3N3R4LLY DUNK1NG ON YOU FOR NOT R34LLY G3TT1NG 1T TH3 F1RST T1M3 4ROUND  
CCG: OKAY, WELL, NOW I AM GONNA ASK YOU SOMETHING, TEREZI.  
CCG: COULD YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP, PLEASE?  
FGC: NO  
CCG: OOPS, SURPRISE! THAT WASN’T ACTUALLY A QUESTION, IT WAS AN ORDER, AND YOU HAVE TO FOLLOW IT BECAUSE I’M YOUR LEADER.  
FGC: >8P  
CCG: ANYWAY, MY READING COMPREHENSION IS PERFECTLY FINE. SIX MATESPRITSHIPS AND SIX MOIRALLEGIANCES BETWEEN TWELVE TROLLS, WHICH CHECKS OUT WITH A BASIC UNDERSTANDING OF ADDITION  
CCG: AND GIVEN THAT, AS FAR AS I KNOW, WE, THE PLAYERS OF THIS GAME, ARE THE ONLY TWELVE LIVING TROLLS LEFT IN ALL OF EXISTENCE  
CCG: ER, SHIT, ELEVEN LIVING TROLLS. SORRY ARADIA.  
CURRENT apocalypseArisen [CAA] RIGHT NOW responded to memo  
CAA: please d0nt drag me int0 this  
CAA ceased responding to memo  
CCG: OUCH.  
CCG: ANYWAY! MY POINT IS  
CCG: NEPETA, ARE YOU SERIOUSLY TALKING ABOUT SHIPPING ALL OF US? LIKE, IN REAL LIFE, AND NOT AS A JOKE?  
CAC: :33 < yes!  
CCG: OKAY  
CCG: AND JUST WHEN WERE YOU THINKING OF RUNNING THIS BY ME?  
CAC: :33 < uh, whenefur you responded to this memo i guess!  
CCG: ALRIGHT, FAIR  
CCG: JUST ONE LAST QUESTION.  
CCG: GIVEN THAT WE’VE GOT A GAME TO PLAY WITH THE FATE OF THE LITERAL UNIVERSE ON THE LINE, AND WE’VE GOT A BLACK KING WHO’S LITERALLY CAPABLE OF MURDERING ALL OF US WITH A SINGLE GLUB AND IT’S ONLY A MATTER OF TIME BEFORE OUR PREVENTATIVE MEASURES FAIL AND ALL OF OUR THINK PANS MELT OUT OF OUR AURICULAR SPONGE CLOTS  
CCG: WHY THE FUCK DO YOU THINK THAT THIS "SHIPPING" THING IS WORTH EVEN A SINGLE GODDAMN IOTA OF ***ANYBODY’S*** TIME?  
PAG: Yeah, holy shit, I can’t 8elieve I’m saying this, 8ut I actually agree with Karkat here.  
CAC: :33 < well think about it!  
CAC: :33 < this is supposed to be a team game, right? were all supposed to be working together  
CAC: :33 < but were not!  
CAC: :33 < in fact, were barely even interacting with each other at all, except fur getting into stupid pointless arguments on memos  
CAC: :33 < and also killing each other sometimes?  
FGC: SH3S GOT 4 PO1NT TH3R3 VR1SK4  
PAG: Hey!!!!!!!!  
PAG: For your inform8tion, I haven’t killed ANY8ODY this entire game, and in fact, the last time any8ody got killed, it was me!!!!!!!!  
PAG: Not that I’m complaining, really. I mean, sure, I got 8eaten to death and all, 8ut now look at me! I’m the 8est and most powerful of any of the losers on this team!  
PAG: If anything, moooooooore of us should 8e killing each other!  
CCG: FOR THE LAST TIME, VRISKA, ABSOLUTELY NOBODY IS SIGNING OFF ON MURDEROUS PSYCHOTIC SPIDERTROLL'S FANTASTIC FUCKING SUICIDE PACT.  
CCG: LIKE, I KNOW YOU GET OFF ON MURDERING TROLLS, BUT WE DON’T. IT’S JUST NOT GONNA HAPPEN, OKAY?  
PAG: 8ah, fine. Losers.  
PAG: 8ut after you all get murdered 8y the 8lack King 8ecause you’re too weak have any goddamn chance of 8eating him, you 8etter 8elieve that I’m not gonna have time to haul all of your corpses to your Quest Recuperacoons!  
PAG: I’ve got a list, and I’m going down it in order.  
CCG: HEY, COOL, CAN I BE AT THE BOTTOM OF IT?  
PAG: I dunno, Karkat, the 8ottom slot is pretty competitive.  
FGC: W3LL 1 M34N  
FGC: TH3R3S 4LW4YS TH3 POSS1B1L1TY TH4T W3 4LL D13 HORR1BLY ON S3P4R4T3 OCC4S1ONS  
FGC: WH1CH WOULD HYPOTH3T1C4LLY G1V3 YOU PL3NTY OF T1M3 TO D3L1V3R OUR R3SP3CT1V3 C4D4V3RS  
PAG: Terezi, that’s the first intelligent thing I’ve heard any8ody say all day!!!!!!!!  
PAG: In fact, I’m 8umping you up on the list for that. You’re welcome.  
FGC: OH WH4T3V3R, 1M 4LR34DY 4T TH3 TOP OF TH4T L1ST 4ND W3 BOTH KNOW 1T  
PAG: Yeah right, don’t flatter yourself!!!!!!!!  
CAC: :33 < okay enough talking about people dying!!!  
CAC: :33 < look, what if, instead of us all getting killed by the black king  
CAC: :33 < we were all working as a team!  
CAC: :33 < twelve trolls working in purrfect harmony as a single unit, effurtlessly destroying all obstacles in our path!  
CCG: OKAY, SEE, NOW YOU’RE SPEAKING MY LANGUAGE.  
CCG: BUT WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH OUR ROMANTIC ENTANGLEMENTS?  
CAC: :33 < the romantic entanglements will be the glue that holds it all together!  
CAC: :33 < or should i say... the spiderweb?  
PAG: Noooooooope.  
CAC: :33 < aww  
CCG: REALLY? BECAUSE IT SEEMS MORE LIKE THE ROMANTIC ENTANGLEMENTS WOULD BE MORE LIKE A NASTY, SLIPPERY GREASE THAT MAKES EVERYTHING FALL APART.  
CAC: :33 < more like theyd be the grease in a well-oiled machine!  
FGC: OR M4YB3 TH3YD B3 TH3 M1X3D M3T4PHORS 1N TH1S CONV3RS4T1ON TH4T 4R3 M4K1NG 1T FUCK1NG UNR34D4BL3  
CCG: LOOK, NEPETA. I LIKE ROMANCE AS MUCH AS THE NEXT TROLL.  
CCG: OKAY, SLIGHTLY MORE THAN THE NEXT TROLL.  
CCG: BUT THIS SOUNDS LIKE A HORRIBLE IDEA. IT’S MORE LIKELY THAN NOT JUST GONNA INTRODUCE A BUNCH OF NASTY DRAMA BETWEEN THE TWELVE OF US THAT’S GONNA MAKE US EVEN *MORE* INOPERABLE AS A UNIT.  
PAG: So what you’re saying is, it’s gonna make us even moooooooore likely to murder each other?  
PAG: Actually, may8e I’m wrong, and this is a gr8 idea!  
CCG: HEY VRISKA, REMEMBER THAT TIME A FEW MINUTES AGO I ORDERED TEREZI TO SHUT THE FUCK UP?  
PAG: Yes.  
CCG: GUESS WHAT?  
PAG: You’re gonna order YOURSELF to shut the fuck up, and spare us all the grief of listening to your inane ram8ling for the rest of our lives?  
CCG: HAHA, YOU WISH.  
CCG: SHUT THE FUCK UP. THAT’S AN ORDER.  
PAG: Damn. Worth a shot, though.  
CAC: :33 < look okay i get that it COULD result in a bunch of ugly nasty drama  
CAC: :33 < but!!!!  
CAC: :33 < if the twelve of us were in healthy grounded relationships, it would make us that much more efficient, as individuals and as a team!  
CAC: :33 < even just a set of meowrallegiances would do wonders for our personal development  
CCG: HUH. YOU KNOW, THAT’S ACTUALLY A GOOD POINT.  
CCG: BUT MATESPRITSHIPS?  
CAC: :33 < well  
CAC: :33 < wouldnt you want to fight that much harder if you knew your matespurrit was right at your side?  
CAC: :33 < its the ultimate force multiplier!!  
CCG: THAT’S... ACTUALLY *ALSO* A REALLY GOOD POINT.  
CCG: YOU KNOW, I HATE TO SAY IT, BUT I THINK THIS MIGHT ACTUALLY BE A GOOD IDEA.  
PAG: Oh, you have got to 8e fucking KIDDING me!!!!!!!!  
PAG: So my plan for every8ody to god tier is a no-go, 8ut Spastic Cave Girl's 8ig Shipping Adventure gets a thum8s-up with 8arely eight minutes of consider8tion????????  
CCG: YOU HAVE TO SEE THINGS FROM MY PERSPECTIVE, VRISKA. WHICH I UNDERSTAND IS DIFFICULT, GIVEN YOUR APPARENT COMPLETE INABILITY TO EXPERIENCE EMPATHY, SO LET ME EXPLAIN.  
CCG: WHILE ALL THE REST OF YOU HAVE BEEN FUCKING AROUND ON YOUR PLANETS DOING SILLY SGRUB BULLSHIT, I’VE BEEN HAVING TO DEAL WITH EVERY ONE OF YOU PHLEGM-CHUGGING MAGGOTS BEATING DOWN MY DOOR FOR RELATIONSHIP ADVICE.  
CCG: EVEN FOR A GROUP OF HORMONAL TWEENS, IT IS FUCKING *DECADENT* JUST HOW MANY INTERPERSONAL ISSUES WE HAVE.  
CCG: IT HONESTLY MAKES TROLLGRASSI JUNIOR THRESHECUTIONER ACADEMY LOOK LIKE IT’S UNDER COMPLETE AUTOCRATIC CONTROL OF TROLL WILL SMITH IN HIS GREATEST ROLE, IN COMPARISON.  
CCG: IN FACT... I DON’T THINK EVEN TROLL WILL SMITH COULD HELP US OUT OF THIS CLUSTERFUCK OF A SNAFU WE’VE WORKED OURSELVES INTO.  
FGC: WOW  
FGC: TH4TS 4 PR3TTY H4RSH PROGNOS1S  
CCG: HARSHER THAN YOU CAN POSSIBLY IMAGINE.  
PAG: Okay, so what the fuck makes you think Nepeta of all people can do it????????  
PAG: When was the last time she even shipped some8ody successfully? Has she even done it at all????????  
PAG: This whole idea is a sham!!!!!!!!  
FUTURE cuttlefishCuller [FCC] 6:12 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo  
FCC: YOU’R--E a s)(am, Serket!!  
PAG: Wh8t!!!!!!!!  
CAC: :33 < oh, fefurry!  
FCC: You want an example of )(er s)(ipping somebody? W)(ale, s)(e’s already responsible for one of t)(e most successful relations)(ips between us BY FAR!  
FCC: Just look at the morayeelegiance between )(er and --Equius!!  
CAC: :33 < hey yeah, thats right! thank you fefurry  
CAC: :33 < equius and i have b33n going strong fur sw33ps, and were two of the strongest members of this whole team!  
CCG: OKAY, LET’S BE FAIR HERE  
CCG: EQUIUS IS JUST STRONG BECAUSE HE’S A MUTANT FREAK, I’M PRETTY SURE THAT DOESN’T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU BEING HIS MOIRAIL.  
CAC: :33 < i mean okay  
CAC: :33 < but im plenty strong myself! one time i cut two of an ogres heads off at once!!  
FGC: 1TS TRU3, SH3S K1ND4 B4D4SS  
CAC: :33 < but look, this isnt even about physical strength  
CAC: :33 < its about emotional strength!  
FCC: Yea)(, t)(at’s rig)(t!  
FCC: Morayeelegiance is all about emotional support! Two trolls w)(o kelp eac)( otter out no matter w)(at, building up t)(eir strengt)(s and paving over t)(eir weaknesses!  
FCC: Just T)(INK )(ow muc)( betta t)(ings would be if we all )(ad somefin like t)(at!!  
PAG: Oh pleeeeeeeease, Peixes.  
PAG: First of all, that’s not what moirallegiance is a8out at all.  
PAG: It’s just some fussy nerd trying to keep you on a leash while you try to actually accomplish stuff. It’s overr8ted AT 8EST.  
PAG: And two, even if it was as gr8 as you’re talking about, those two losers are hardly the 8est example of it!  
PAG: She’s just a pathetic little gru8 who spends all day in her cave, scrawling 8ullshit all over the walls.  
PAG: And HE’S just a walking pile of neuroses, constantly threatening to tip of and explode one day from the sheer force of cognitive dissonance trapped in that fucked-up think pan of his.  
PAG: Wow! How inspiring!!!!!!!!  
CAC: :33 < grrrr!!  
CAC: :33 < vwiskers you dont know anything about me or equius, so why dont you just shut up!!  
FUTURE centaursTesticle [FCT] 21 MINUTES FROM NOW responded to memo  
FCT: D --> E%cuse me  
CAC: :33 < oh! uh  
CAC: :33 < hi equius  
FCT: D --> Nepeta, what e%actly is going on here  
CAC: :33 < well uh  
CAC: :33 < i mean, i was just  
CAC: :33 < talking about an idea i had?  
FCT: D --> I read the memo  
CAC: :33 < oh  
CAC: :33 < so, you agr33, right?  
CAC: :33 < that all of us could use something like this?  
FCT: D --> No  
FCT: D --> Abso100tely not  
CAC: :33 < what!!!  
FCT: D --> Nepeta, this idea is 100% f001ish  
FCT: D --> You can’t possibly e%pect to be able to a%ually ship the lot of us  
FCT: D --> Or that would I ever allow such a thing, for that matter  
CAC: :33 < oh come on!!!!  
FCT: D --> 100k, you may have brought up some valid points  
FCT: D --> But the whole idea is 100dicrous  
FCT: D --> Do you a%ually think you could "ship," say  
FCT: D --> Vriska, for e%ample  
PAG: No, she couldn’t!!!!!!!!  
FCT: D --> E%actly  
FCT: D --> This depraved b100b100d would probably kill you sooner than cooperate  
PAG: Yeah, I would!!!!!!!!  
FCT: D --> Even if it were possible to "ship" people in such a manner, she is clearly beyond redemption  
FCT: D --> And I will abso100tely not allow you to attempt such a fruitless endeavor  
CAC: :33 < but youre not even giving it a chance!!  
FCT: D --> My mind is made up  
FCT: D --> I e%pressly forbid this little proje% of yours  
CCG: OH, REALLY? YOU FORBID IT?  
CCG: HEY EVERYBODY, DID YOU HEAR THAT? EQUIUS FORBIDS IT!  
CCG: HEY NEPETA.  
CAC: :33 < yes?  
CCG: I ORDER YOU TO ABSOLUTELY ATTEMPT THIS FRUITLESS ENDEAVOR.  
CCG: SHIP ALL OF US. SHIP THE FUCK OUT OF US. MATESPRITSHIPS, MOIRALLEGIANCES, HELL, MAKE UP A FEW NEW QUADRANTS IF YOU WANT!  
CCG: AND IF EQUIUS TRIES TO STOP YOU, TELL HIM KARKAT TOLD HIM TO FUCK OFF.  
FCT: D --> Hrrngh  
FCT: D --> E%cuse me  
CCG: SEE, IT SEEMS LIKE YOU’VE FORGOTTEN HOW THINGS WORK AROUND HERE, SO I FEEL LIKE YOU NEED A LITTLE REMINDER  
CCG: I’M THE LEADER, WHICH MEANS WHAT I SAY GOES  
CCG: AND WHAT *YOU* SAY, DOESN’T ACTUALLY MEAN SHIT!  
CCG: SO NEXT TIME YOU THINK ABOUT TRYING TO "FORBID" ANYBODY FROM DOING ANYTHING, THINK ABOUT THAT, AND THEN TAKE YOUR OBJECTIONS AND CRAM THEM RIGHT UP INTO THE DEEPEST RECESS OF YOUR WASTE CHUTE.  
FCT: D --> But  
FCT: D --> I’m the leader of the B100 Team  
FCT: D --> And Nepeta is on the B100 Team  
CCG: YEAH, AND I’M THE LEADER OF THE RED TEAM  
CCG: AND IT TURNS OUT, EVERYONE ON THE "B100 TEAM" HAS ACTUALLY BEEN ON THE RED TEAM THIS WHOLE TIME, BECAUSE THERE’S ONLY ONE TEAM, AND IT’S ALL OF US  
CCG: WHICH MEANS YOU’RE THE LEADER OF TWO THINGS RIGHT NOW, AND JACK GOT EXILED.  
CCG: SO HERE’S AN ORDER FOR YOU! IT’S AN OLDIE, BUT A GOODIE. YOU READY?  
FCT: D --> I  
CCG: SHUT THE FUCK UP.  
FCT: D --> Hrk  
CCG: ORDER STANDS.  
CCG: SAME FOR YOU, NEPETA. GET SHIPPING.  
CAC: :33 < sir yes sir!!  
CCG: NOW, SEE? THAT’S HOW YOU TAKE AN ORDER!  
PAST terminallyCapricious [PTC] 420 MINUTES AGO responded to memo  
PTC: aW, hEeEeEeEeElL yEaH, mY iNvErTeBrOtHeRs AnD sIsTeRs, We AbOuT tO gEt MaD cHiLl AlL uP iN tHiS bItCh!  
PTC: mY mAiN mAn WiTh ThE mAsTeR pLaN kArKaLiCiOuS jUsT uP aNd SlAmMeD dOwN tHaT oRdEr LiKe A tAlL gLaSs Of FaYgO, aNd NoW tHiS sIlLy CaT bItCh Is GoNnA gEt AlL uP iNtO oUr QuAdS lIkE a ChOlErBeAr RiPpIn OnTo A fReShLy SlIcEd GrUbStEaK!  
CAC: :33 < oh uh  
CAC: :33 < hey gamz33  
CAC: :33 < could you maybe, uh  
CAC: :33 < not call me that ever again?  
PTC: NoT cAlL yOu WhAt, SiS?  
CAC: :33 < uh, well i cant really repeat it beclaws equius is here but  
FGC: 1TS TH3 "S1LLY C4T B1TCH" P4RT  
FGC: 1TS 4 L1TTL3 OBJ3CT1ON4BL3, Y34H  
PTC: AwWwWwWw ShIt, SoRrY, sIsTeR. i AiN’T aLl TrYiN tO iNsUlT a MoThErFuCkEr UpOn ThIs MoSt JoYoUs Of OcCaSiOnS.  
PTC: I wAs JuSt Up AnD lEt SlIp SoMe ShIt In ThE sPiRiT oF iRoNiC eXuBeRaNcE iN a HeAtEd cLoWnInG MoMeNt.  
CCG: GAMZEE, WHY ARE YOU HERE.  
PTC: WeLl, I jUsT wAnTeD tO aLl Up AnD dEcLaRe My UnAmInImOuS sUpPoRt FoR tHiS wIcKeD sIcKo ShIpPiNg IdEa, My BrOtHeR.  
PTC: I tHiNk We AlL jUsT nEeD tO gEt OuR cHiLl On, AnD i’m FeElIn As GeTtIn OuR lOvE oN wOuLd Be A mAxImAlLy RaDiCaL wAy To Do ThAt, If YoU’Re CaTcHiN wHaT i’m LaYiN dOwN.  
PTC: ;o)  
FGC: UUUUUUGH  
CCG: OKAY, FIRST OF ALL, DON’T USE THE L-WORD AROUND ME. WE’VE BEEN OVER THIS.  
CCG: AND SECOND, THAT’S REALLY SUPER INTERESTING, GAMZEE  
CCG: BUT IT DOESN’T ACTUALLY MATTER WHETHER YOU SUPPORT IT OR NOT, CONSIDERING I LITERALLY JUST GAVE THE ORDER FOR NEPETA TO DO THIS.  
PTC: ShIt, ReAlLy?  
CCG: YEAH MAN. SORRY.  
PTC: Oh.  
PTC: WeLl, FuCk. :o(  
CCG: OH WAIT! I JUST THOUGHT OF SOMETHING ACTUALLY USEFUL YOU CAN DO, THOUGH.  
PAG: W8, seriously?  
PAG: Is Gamzee actually capa8le of doing ANYTHING useful????????  
CCG: AS A MATTER OF FACT, THERE’S EXACTLY ONE THING.  
CCG: HE’S ONE STEP ABOVE EQUIUS ON THE HEMOSPECTRUM, SO HE CAN TELL THIS SWEATY MUSCLEBEAST-FUCKER TO DO WHATEVER HE SAYS, AND HE’LL TRIP OVER HIS STOCKINGS TO DO IT LIKE THE SYCOPHANT HE IS.  
FCT: D --> Ghk  
CCG: SO HEY, GAMZEE!  
CCG: TELL EQUIUS THAT IF HE DOES ANYTHING TO INTERFERE WITH NEPETA’S INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT SHIPPING MISSION, YOU’LL CULL HIM FASTER THAN HE CAN GET DOWN ON HIS KNEES AND BEG FOR YOU TO DO IT.  
PTC: oH, uH.  
PTC: I mEaN, i NeVeR cUlLeD a MoThErFuCkEr BeFoRe, So I dOn’t KnOw WhAt I cAn ReAlIsTiCaLlY dO iT aS fAsT aS wHaT yOu’rE sPeWiNg.  
PTC: lIkE, i CoUlD pRoBaBlY dO iT sLoWlY?  
CCG: YEAH, THAT’S FINE.  
PTC: aLrIgHt, CoOl.  
PTC: wElL, eQuIuS, uH, dOn’t MeSs WiTh ThE kItTy BiTcH’S sHiPpInG mIsSiOn, Or I’Ll Do AlL tHaT sHiT wHaT kArKlEs SaId I sHoUlD uP aNd Do.  
FCT: D --> I  
FCT: D --> I  
FCT: D --> Yes, highb100d  
CCG: GOOD JOB!  
CCG: WELL, YOU’VE DONE YOUR ONE USEFUL THING FOR THE WEEK, GAMZEE, SO HOW ABOUT YOU JUST TAKE A BREAK AND HAVE A PIE?  
PTC: fUuUuUuUuUcK yEaAaAaAaH, mY bRoThEr FrOm AnOtHeR gRuBmOtHeR! tHaT sOuNdS pOsItIvElY dIvInE, sO iMmA cLiMb AlL uP iNsIdE tHaT bItCh RiGhT nOw!  
PTC: aNd I’Ll CaTcH aLl YoU bItChEs UpOn ThE fLiPsIdE.  
PTC: HoNk.  
PTC ceased responding to memo  
CCG: THANK FUCK.  
CAC: :33 < okay  
CAC: :33 < i literally JUST told him not to call me that, right?  
FCT: D --> Um  
FCT: D --> I should go, I think  
CCG: YEAH, I THINK YOU SHOULD.  
FCT ceased responding to memo  
PAG: God.  
PAG: Why do you think those guys suck so fucking much?  
PAG: Is it a high8lood thing? It must be a high8lood thing. Man, I’m glad I got in RIGHT at the not-shitty level and dodged that 8ullet.  
FCC: A)(-EM.  
PAG: Alright, fine, you’re cool too.  
FCC: T)(ank you. 38)  
PAG: Oh man, do you think we’re gonna m8ke it a triple play and get Eridan throwing a pity party in here too????????  
CAC: :33 < dont even say that as a joke!!!!  
CCG: YEAH, SERIOUSLY. I HEAR ENOUGH FROM THAT GUY IN PRIVATE.  
FGC: SO W41T 1M CUR1OUS  
FGC: N3P3T4, JUST HOW 1S TH1S "SH1PP1NG" OF YOURS GO1NG TO WORK?  
PAG: Oh right, we’re seriously discussing this. Uuuuuuuugh.  
FGC: SHOOOSH!!!  
FGC: VR1SK4 TH3 4DULTS 4R3 H4V1NG 4 CONV3RS4T1ON H3R3  
PAG: You’re actually calling Nepeta an adult.  
FGC: 1M *F1GUR4T1V3LY* C4LL1NG N3P3T4 4N 4DULT B3C4USE *YOUR3* B31NG 4 CH1LD1SH FUCK  
FGC: NOW C4N 1T!!!!  
CCG: YES, NEPETA, THE ONLY OTHER FIGURATIVE ADULT IN THIS CONVERSATION  
CCG: JUST HOW *ARE* YOU GOING TO DO THAT?  
PAG: You’re all hopeless.  
CAC: :33 < well  
CAC: :33 < to be purrfectly honest, i havent really thought about it that much!  
PAG: Shocker!  
CAC: :33 < can it vwiskers!!!!!!!!  
PAG: Okay, the oooooooonly reason I’m letting you get away with that is 8ecause Gamzee fucked it up four times in a row.  
PAG: Did anybody else notice that? Was he fucking with me????????  
FGC: 1 TH1NK G4MZ33 1S L1K3 4 DOG 4ND H3 JUST SORT OF DO3S TH1NGS 4RB1TR4R1LY  
CAC: :33 < i mean, i dont know if i should really be actively doing that much of anything?  
CAC: :33 < i dont want to just go around assigning people ships or something!  
CAC: :33 < that would be silly and purrobably not even work  
CCG: YEAH, THAT SOUNDS LIKE HOW VRISKA WOULD DO IT.  
PAG: Why the FUCK would I ever do that????????  
CCG: BECAUSE  
CCG: YOU LITERALLY MIND CONTROL PEOPLE???  
PAG: Look, if you ever catch me using my mind control powers to make my pathetic shipping fantasies come true, you have my permission to decapit8 me, 8ecause I’ve COMPLETELY lost it.  
FGC: 4ND WH4T 1F W3 DONT C4TCH YOU, BUT W3 KNOW YOUR3 DO1NG 1T 4NYW4Y?  
PAG: Well, fucking c8tch me then!!!!!!!!  
CCG: OKAY, LOOK, HOW ABOUT THIS.  
CCG: I’VE GOT ALL THESE SPINELESS INGRATES BREATHING DOWN MY NECK, BEGGING ME TO HELP THEM WITH THEIR QUADRANTS, AND I CAN BARELY GET A SINGLE GODDAMN THING DONE WITHOUT TRIPPING OVER ALL OF THESE PROSTRATING TORSOS.  
CCG: SO HOW ABOUT I DUMP ALL THIS RELATIONSHIP ADVICE DUTY ON YOU? IT SEEMS LIKE YOU’D ENJOY IT MORE THAN ANYTHING.  
CAC: :33 < oh  
CAC: :33 < oh yeah! yeah i can do that!!  
PAG: Pffffffff, assuming any8ody WANTS romantic advice from a cave-dwelling catgirl with more horns than successful rel8tionships.  
CCG: OH, SO ARE YOU OFFERING TO DO IT INSTEAD, VRISKA?  
PAG: Fuck no!!!!!!!!  
CCG: YEAH, BECAUSE THEY’D BE EVEN LESS INTERESTED IN GETTING ROMANTIC ADVICE FROM A PSYCHOTIC BLUEBLOOD WHO’S KILLED HALF THE PEOPLE SHE’S EVER KNOWN!  
PAG: Ooooooooh, you got me, Karkat. I’m 8ad at giving rel8tionship advice. Holy shit, I’m soooooooo 8urned.  
CAC: :33 < enough!!!  
CAC: :33 < anyway i think that is a good start!  
CAC: :33 < i will happily give romantic advice to anyone who s33ks it!  
PAG: Even Eridan?  
CAC: :33 < uh  
PAG: Even Gamzee?  
CAC: :33 < uhhhhhhh  
FGC: YOU D1D S4Y 4NYON3  
CAC: :33 < shit  
FUTURE centaursTesticle [FCT] 20 MINUTES FROM NOW responded to memo  
FCT: D --> Language  
CAC: :33 < uuuuugh  
FCT ceased responding to memo  
CAC: :33 < okay yes anyone!  
CAC: :33 < i stand by what i said, even if i know ill regret it later!  
FCC: W)(ale, Nepeta, I t)(ink t)(is is a GR--EAT idea, and I for one will be wis)(ing you t)(e best of luck!  
FCC: And if you ever need advice on your advice, I will )(appily give you the advice advice t)(at you need!  
CAC: :33 < aw thank you fefurry!  
FCC: But maybe t)(e B-EST t)(ing to do first would be to make s)(ore w)(ic)( s)(ips are in t)(e water already!  
FCC: I am PR-ETTY s)(ore t)(ere are at least two t)(at )(ave launc)(ed before now!  
CAC: :33 < hey yeah thats right!  
CAC: :33 < so me and equius are obviously meowrails  
CAC: :33 < and then you and sollux are  
CAC: :33 < uh?  
FUTURE twinArmageddons [FTA] 2:22 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo  
FTA: well, THII2 ii2 a fuckiing memo, huh.  
FCC: )(i Sollux!  
FTA: hey ff.  
FTA: ii don’t want two giive anyone the mii2guiided iimpre22iion that ii actually giive a 2hiit about any of thii2, because holy FUCK do ii not.  
FTA: but ii’m ju2t gonna drop iin two confirm that me and ff are mate2priit2, and that’2 ba2iically all there ii2 two 2ay on the matter.  
PAST caligulasAquarium [PCA] 3 DAYS AGO responded to memo  
PCA: you sure about that sol  
PCA: isnt there somebody you forgot to ask  
FTA: oh, 2hiit, yeah, you got me.  
FTA: ii TOTALLY forgot two a2k ff’s 2hiity ex-moiiraiil who got dumped by her liike two week2 ago and can’t 2eem two take the hiint, you got me dude.  
PCA: no you scumsuckin fuck im not talkin about me  
PCA: im talkin about fef  
FCC: O)(.  
FCC: -Eridan, water you talking aboat?  
PCA: i mean he said it but you nevver did  
PCA: so are you his matesprit or not  
FCC: I mean, yea)(, s)(ore I am!  
FTA: well, there you go, now you can fuck off.  
PCA: oh wwoww you got me  
PCA: "yeah shore" wwhat a RESOUNDIN vvote of confidence that is  
PCA: maybe you shouldnt be so quick to presume things about somebody wwhos so out of your fuckin league that youre playin TEE-BALL  
FTA: well, maybe YOU 2houldn’t be 2o quiick two pre2ume that we haven’t already dii2cu22ed our relatiion2hiip iin priivate and that you’re a better authoriity on iit than eiither of u2.  
PCA: wwell maybe you shouldnt be so quick to talk back to your betters you filthy fuckin mustardblooded peasant  
FCC: ---ENOUG)(!  
FCC: Bot)( of you, stop it! T)(is is neit)(er t)(e time nor t)(e plaice!  
FTA: yeah, 2eriiou2ly, dude, iit’2 2o tran2parent what you’re tryiing two do.  
PCA: excuse me  
PCA: just wwhat is it youre accusin me of here  
FTA: dude, iit’2 totally obviiou2.  
FTA: you’re 2o de2perate two be iin a quadrant of any kiind wiith ff that you’re ju2t tryiing two 2tart 2hiit iin order two make ff ashen for u2.  
FTA: iit’2 pretty pathetiic, actually.  
PCA: ok this is the most heinous fuckin slander ivve evver heard in my life  
PCA: i wwould NEVVER stoop so loww as to try some unbelievvable fuckin malarkey like that  
PAG: Ehhhhhhhh, I dunno, that sounds like a pretty Eridan move to me.  
PCA: oh dont you EVVEN get started on me vvris  
PCA: first of all youre completely out of your element so dont evven try to pretend you knoww jack shit about the situation  
PCA: and second wwhy the FUCK wwould i evver wwant fef as my AUSPISTICE  
FCC: )(ey! I t)(ink I would make a GR--EAT auspistice!  
PCA: wwell yes obvviously fef you wwould make the best auspistice and wwe all knoww it  
PCA: anywway you knoww wwhat i meant  
FCC: Yes, I know.  
PCA: wwell im pretty sure ivve made my feelings clear on the subject so im just gonna go  
PCA: but fef dont let this rat fuck wwalk all ovver you just because you think youre happy wwith him ok  
FTA: wow, niice, that’2 2ome totally 2oliid adviice comiing from 2omeone wiith ab2olutely no ulteriior motiive what2oever.  
FCC: Sollux, please.  
PCA: and good luck wwith your stupid shippin thing nep  
PCA: youre clearly gonna need it  
PCA ceased responding to memo  
CAC: :33 < ugh  
FTA: god, fuck that guy.  
PAG: Trust me, don’t.  
FTA: wow, holy FUCK, ii do not want to thiink about you two doiing that.  
CAC: :33 < yeah please k33p this memo sfw!!  
PAG: I never did!!!!!!!!  
PAG: I’m just saying, if you even give the IMPLIC8TION that you might want to quad with that loser, he’ll attach himself to your ankle like the world’s most pathetic lamprey.  
FTA: actually, hey, vk, ii don’t know when you got the iimpre22iion that we’re on 2peakiing term2, but could you maybe make an iimpre22iion on the neare2t wall wiith your forehead untiil you 2top talkiing two me, plea2e.  
PAG: Woooooooow, I’m just trying to give a little friendly advice. You don’t have to 8ite my head off, Captor.  
FTA: ugh.  
FTA: you 2ee why ii wanted two ju2t be iin and out?  
FTA: ii don’t want any part of thii2 drama bull2hiit, and ii 2ure a2 2hiit don’t want two have to iinteract wiith thii2 2piiderbiitch.  
FTA: 2o yeah, ii’m gonna head out two.  
FTA: 2ee you around, ff.  
FCC: S)(ore t)(ing! Bye, Sollux!  
FTA: <3  
FTA ceased responding to memo  
CAC: :33 < okay so  
CAC: :33 < the ships we have right now are!  
CAC: :33 < nepeta <> equius and sollux <3 feferi  
CAC: :33 < are there any others im furgetting?  
FCC: W)(ale, u)(...  
FCC: I’m not s)(ore aboat t)(is one, but...  
FCC: Doesn’t -Equius )(ave some kinda t)(ing wit)( Aradia?  
FGC: WH4T?  
FGC: DO3S H3?  
FCC: W)(ale, I don’t want to GOSSIP, but I’m... PR-ETTY s)(ore I’ve seen t)(em makoing out once or twice?  
FCC: Nepeta, am I completely off base )(ere?  
CAC: :33 < uhhhhhh  
CAC: :33 < look um  
CAC: :33 < equius and i dont really talk about the aradia thing  
CAC: :33 < its just kind of uncomfurtable fur both of us  
FCC: Is it a flus)(ed t)(ing or a pitc)( t)(ing?  
CAC: :33 < we dont talk about it!!!  
FGC: W3LL M4YB3 W3 SHOULD JUST 4SK 4R4D14 TH3N  
CURRENT apocalypseArisen [CAA] RIGHT NOW responded to memo  
CAA: ykn0w  
CAA: its actually really interesting  
FGC: OH!  
CAC: :33 < whats interesting?  
CAA: ive seen a c0nversati0n very similar t0 this 0ne in an0ther d00med timeline  
CAA: but everything is just slightly different in this versi0n  
CAA: and yet its still similar en0ugh t0 be c0mpletely rec0gnizable  
CAA: its like an hd remaster 0f this particularly stupid chain 0f events  
CAA: with a bunch 0f c0mpletely unnecessary changes made by tr0ll ge0rge lucas himself  
FGC: W41T WH4T  
FGC: D1D YOU S4Y W3R3 1N 4 DOOM3D T1M3L1N3?  
CAA: d0 y0u h0nestly think the alpha timeline inv0lves nepeta g0ing 0n a grand shipping quest  
FGC: 1 DONT KNOW HOW 4NYTH1NG GO3S 1N TH3 "4LPH4 T1M3L1N3" 4R4D14  
FGC: YOUR3 TH3 T1M3 PL4Y3R NOT M3  
CAA: ive said t00 much already  
CAA: anyway i just th0ught that was kind 0f funny  
CAA: im g0ing t0 g0 n0w  
FCC: )(ey, wait!  
CAA: what  
FCC: You never said w)(et)(er or not you and -Equius were a t)(ing.  
CAA: 0h  
CAA: y0ure right i didnt  
CURRENT apocalypseArisen [CAA] banned herself from responding to memo  
FCC: >38P  
FGC: W3LL 1 GU3SS 1TLL JUST R3M41N 4 GR34T MYST3RY  
CAC: :33 < yeah uh  
CAC: :33 < lets just ignore those two fur now!  
CCG: PLEASE.  
CAC: :33 < anyway um  
CAC: :33 < unless im furgetting something, i think thats all of the quadrants we have right meow?  
PAG: Um, yeah, you ARE forgetting something?  
CAC: :33 < what?  
CAC: :33 < well what is it  
PAG: Uhhhhhhhh, Kanaya? She’s kinda my moirail, dum8ass????????  
CAC: :33 < oh uh  
CAC: :33 < are you guys still a thing?  
CAC: :33 < i mean, i havent really s33n you two talking on memos or anything, or hanging out at all  
CAC: :33 < so i guess i just assumed that dissolved around when you died?  
PAG: Yeah, well, assume in one hand and shit in the other, and you’ll have the same amount of shit in 8oth!!!!!!!!  
PAG: We didn’t 8r8k up or anything, so we’re still moirails, end of story!  
PAST grimAuxiliatrix [PGA] 2:00 HOURS AGO responded to memo  
PGA: Is That Actually The End Of The Story Though  
PGA: Or Is It Just A Particularly Uninspired Chapter Somewhere In The Midpoint  
PGA: Because Really As An Avid Reader Of Stories It Seems An Awful Lot More Like The Latter To Me  
PAG: Kanaya!  
PAG: Wh8t are you doing here?  
PGA: Do You Know How Long Its Been Since We Last Spoke  
PAG: What? How the fuck should I know???????? I’ve 8een 8usy with stuff, okay?  
PGA: Yes Im Sure You Have  
PGA: Nepeta Would You Care To Venture A Guess  
CAC: :33 < uhhhh  
CAC: :33 < a w33k?  
PGA: Longer  
CAC: :33 < two w33ks?  
PGA: Thats Fairly Close Actually  
PGA: Its Been Fifteen Days Exactly  
CAC: :33 < oh j33z, thats a lot  
PAG: Kanaya, come oooooooon, how the FUCK is that any8ody else’s 8usiness???????  
PGA: Well I Just Think Its Strange Youre So Quick To Claim Me As Your Moirail When Youve Been So Noncommunicative  
CCG: YOU KNOW, SHE HAS A POINT, VRISKA.  
PAG: Karkat, stay the f8ck out of this!!!!!!!!  
PAG: And last I checked, YOU were the one who stopped talking to M8, so I don’t know where the FUCK you get off calling me the noncommunic8tive one!!!!!!!!  
PGA: That May Be The Case  
PGA: But I Still Cant Help But Detect A Great Deal Of Dissonance Between Your Claim To Our Moirallegiance And Your Actual Participation In It  
PAG: Look, I TOLD you, I’ve 8een 8usy, okay???????? I was doing some shit with Tavros, which, last I checked, I was SUPPOSED to 8e doing, and YOU were the one telling me to do it!  
PAG: And then, well, I got fucking MURDERED, so may8e you’ll forgive me if I haven’t 8een feeling all that socia8le l8tely!!!!!!!!  
PAG: So may8e stop condescending to me, 8ecause you don’t know SHIT a8out what I’ve 8een g8ing through!!!!!!!!  
CCG: WOW.  
CCG: DEFINITELY SEEMS LIKE A TOTALLY NORMAL AND HEALTHY MOIRALLEGIANCE HERE.  
CCG: MIGHT AS WELL GO AHEAD AND MARK THIS ONE DOWN, NEPETA, SINCE THERE’S CLEARLY NO ROOM FOR IMPROVEMENT.  
PAG: K8rkat, what the fuck did I J8ST S8Y!!!!!!!!  
FGC: 1 M34N, H3S K1ND4 R1GHT  
FGC: 1N F4CT, 1T K1ND4 SOUNDS L1K3 YOU COULD US3 4 L1TTL3...  
FGC: R3L4T1ONSH1P 4DV1C3?  
FGC: >8]  
PAG: ........No.  
PAG: No no no no no no no!  
PAG: No x56!!!!!!!!  
PAG: There is a8solutely NO F8CKING W8Y that I’m a8out to talk to fucking NEP8TA of all people a8out my quadrant life!!!!!!!!  
PAG: And there’s no way Kanaya is gonna do it either! Am I right?  
PGA: Well I Dont Know  
PAG: Wh8t!!!!!!!!  
PGA: I Mean Theres Clearly Some Sort Of Dysfunction Taking Place Here  
PGA: And I Think A Fresh Perspective Might Be Just What We Need  
PAG: And you think this feral fucking cat is gonna 8e a8le to help us in ANY way wh8tsoever????????  
PGA: Well I Think It Wouldnt Hurt To Consult With Her  
CAC: :33 < yeah come on vwiskers!  
CAC: :33 < its not as pawful as youre making it out to be  
CAC: :33 < i just wanna talk, thats all!  
PAG: No. Fuck this. Fuck 8LL of this!  
PAG: I can handle my quadrants my OWN f8cking self, and I don’t need ANY8ODY else’s help, ESP8CIALLY not a pathetic little olive8looded fre8k that doesn’t know SH8T a8out me!  
PAG: So take your ST8PID fucking shipping wall, cr8m it RI8HT up your n88k, and ST8Y TH8 F8CK O8T 8F M8 L8F8!!!!!!!!  
CAC: :33 < ill show you vwiskers!  
CAC: :33 < ill make you happy even if i have to drag you kicking and screaming the whole way!  
PAG: W8ll, y8u W8LL!!!!!!!!  
PAG: S8 j8st F8CK 8FF!!!!!!!!!  
PAG ceased responding to memo  
FCC: W)(ale...  
FCC: T)(AT was certainly... dramatic. 38/  
FGC: 1TS VR1SK4, WH4T D1D YOU 3XP3CT  
PGA: Honestly Im A Little Surprised Myself  
PGA: I Didnt Expect Her To React So Strongly To The Mere Implication That Our Moirallegiance May Be Under Threat  
PGA: Im  
PGA: Not Really Sure How To Interpret This  
CCG: WELL  
CCG: IT SEEMS LIKE WE’VE GOT A PRETTY OBVIOUS FIRST CASE ON OUR HANDS.  
PGA: What  
CCG: NEPETA!  
CAC: :33 < yes?  
CCG: WE’VE GOT A SHIPPING PROBLEM, AND YOU’RE THE SHIPPER.  
CCG: KANAYA AND VRISKA’S WHOLE PALE THING IS COMPLETELY FUCKED, AND ANYBODY CAN SEE IT, EVEN TEREZI.  
FGC: RUD3 >8P  
CCG: IT’S TRUE THOUGH.  
FGC: 1 M34N Y34H  
CCG: AND KNOWING VRISKA, IT'S PROBABLY HER FAULT SOMEHOW, BECAUSE EVERYTHING'S HER FAULT SOMEHOW.  
CCG: SO SHIP HER, NEPETA. SHIP THE EVERLOVING FUCK OUT OF HER. GET TO THE BOTTOM OF IT, AND FILE A REPORT WITH ME AFTERWARD.  
CAC: :33 < sir yes sir!!  
CAC: :33 < but  
CAC: :33 < j33z, im not even sure where to start with this one  
PGA: Well  
PGA: Given That Vriska Clearly Isnt All That Receptive To The Notion  
PGA: You Should Probably Start With Me  
CAC: :33 < oh yeah! i mean of course  
CAC: :33 < maybe we could talk after this?  
PGA: I Think  
PGA: I Think I Might Prefer To Speak In Person If Thats Alright  
PGA: Theres A Lot To Talk About  
CAC: :33 < uh yeah sure!  
PGA: How About You Come To My Hive On Loraf After Were Done Here  
PGA: I Have An Idea On How We Might Proceed But  
PGA: Well It May Come Off As A Little  
PGA: Devious  
CAC: :33 < hmmm  
CAC: :33 < well, despurrate times call fur despurrate measures!  
PGA: I Agree With Your Assessment Wholeheartedly  
PGA: Even If Im Not Entirely In Agreement With The Number Of Cat Puns Contained Therein  
CAC: :33 < h33 h33!  
PGA: Anyway Im Just Going To Tidy Things Up Around Here  
PGA: Just Tell Me When Youre On Your Way  
PGA: Though I Guess Im Two Hours Behind You So Ive Got Plenty Of Time Anyway  
CAC: :33 < okay!  
CAC: :33 < i think ill leave right meow actually  
PGA: Do Take Your Time  
FCC: Good luck wit)( your first s)(ipping fis)(ion, Nepeta!  
FCC: Wit)( t)(ese two espes)(oally, I t)(ink you’ll need it!  
CAC: :33 < aw, thanks fefurry!  
FCC: 38D  
FCC ceased responding to memo  
PGA: Hrm  
CAC: :33 < what?  
PGA: No Its Nothing  
PGA: Anyway I Suppose Ill See You Soon  
CAC: :33 < sure thing!  
PGA: Alright Then  
PGA: Goodbye  
CAC: :33 < s33 you kanaya!  
PGA ceased responding to memo  
CAC: :33 < *with her furst shipping mission, the rogue of heart steps out of her cave, climbing up the side of the entrance and perching on a purrticularly large cube of sugar*  
CAC: :33 < *and in the next moment, she leaps, great olive wings springing from her back and launching her into the air!*  
CAC: :33 < *there are ships to be shipped, and she will be the one to make them set sail!*  
CAC ceased responding to memo  
CCG: AND THERE SHE GOES.  
CCG: THIS IS GONNA BE A FUCKING TRAINWRECK, ISN’T IT?  
FGC: PROB4BLY  
FGC: BUT 4T L34ST 1TLL B3 R34LLY FUNNY  
CCG ceased responding to memo  
FGC ceased responding to memo  
  
CAC closed memo. 


	3. Arbitr8tion

Chapter 3

Arbitr8tion

"Kanaya, are you sure this is a good idea?"

The jadeblood bites her lip, though she's not looking at Nepeta as she asks the question. She's standing in the victualblock of her hive on the Land of Rays and Frogs, feeling the cat-troll staring at her from the main recreationblock as she watches a pot of tea, waiting for it to boil. There's a saying about that, but she's a little too anxious to regard it at the moment. "I... think it's for the best," she eventually responds.

Nepeta is sitting at the round table in the main room of the hive, one hand moving down to idly pick up one of the little biscuits Kanaya's laid out and nibbling at it. "Maybe," she supposes, looking a little nervous herself. "But... I've never done this kind of thing befur. Are you sure you trust me with this?"

"I think it would be best if the third party in this scenario wasn't particularly... involved with either of us," Kanaya explains, turning and opening one of her cabinets, then reaching in to grab the fine china. No reason to spare any expense for such an important occasion. "As you can imagine, that's a fairly short list."

"Yeah, I guess so," Nepeta has to admit, her other hand rubbing at the back of her neck anxiously. She gets the feeling she's gonna be doing that a lot in the future. "Still, I'm a little nervous. I mean, I'm not sure I can live up to your standards. This is kinda _your_ thing, right?" She looks back up at Kanaya, and then grimaces slightly. "Er! No offense."

Kanaya sighs, stepping into the victualblock to set out dishes and teacups for three. "No, you're right," she assures the oliveblood. "But don't worry, I'm sure you'll do fine. All you need to do is talk to both of us, make sure things don't get too heated, and just... try to work out these relationship troubles we've been suffering from. And last I checked, that was your mission from the outset, was it not?"

The oliveblood looks up at Kanaya with a little smile. "Yeah, I guess so!"

And in return, Kanaya offers a smaller smile of her own, gently moving her hand down to touch her wrist. "And if you need any assistance, I'll be more than happy to help you along."

Nepeta lets out a little giggle. "Thanks, Kanaya."

"Of course, dear," Kanaya replies warmly. But as she walks over to her own seat, she hesitates for a moment, and the look on her face slowly turns to one of grim resolution. She lets out another sigh as she pulls the chair out, beginning to sit. "Well... I suppose I should contact her, then."

Nepeta doesn't respond verbally, just letting out a little "hmm" and nodding slightly, and Kanaya takes that as the signal to proceed. She produces the captchalogue card for her lunchtop, and then after pondering it for a moment, she slips a hand under her dish and lifts it. Sure enough, the key for it has magically materialized beneath, and she quickly unlocks the card, producing her computer and pulling up Trollian. This should be a fairly short conversation, at least.

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling arachnidsGrip [AG].  
  
GA: Vriska  
GA: We Need To Talk  
AG: A8out what?  
GA: Oh I Dont Know Maybe  
GA: Literally Everything  
GA: Could You Please Come To My Hive As Soon As Possible  
AG: Look, if you’re going to 8r8k up with me, just do it already. I’m not flying aaaaaaaall the way out to your hive just to have to leave again immedi8tely.  
GA: Okay First Of All Im Offended At The Implication I Would Ever Sever Ties With A Quadrantmate Over Text Messages  
GA: And Second Im Not Breaking Up With You  
GA: Thats What I Need To Talk To You About  
AG: So if that’s not it, then wh8t?  
GA: Look  
GA: Ive Been Thinking About It  
GA: And I Think What We Might Need Is  
GA: An Auspisticism  
AG: Oh, come oooooooon, Kanaya.  
AG: Is this a8out Tavros? We seriously haven’t even interacted in over a week. You can ask him!  
AG: You don’t need to get ashen 8etween us anymore.  
GA: No You Misunderstand  
GA: I Think  
GA: You And I Need An Auspistice  
AG: ........What?  
AG: WH8T????????  
AG: Kanaya, are you........ f8cking KIDDING me????????  
AG: You can’t 8e s8rious!!!!!!!! You actually h8 me that m8ch????????  
GA: I Dont Hate You  
GA: But I Am Serious  
GA: I Believe That Things Have Become So Dysfunctional Between Us That This May Be The Only Way To Set Things Right  
AG: No. No, a8solutely not! This is fucking cr8zy!!!!!!!!  
GA: Im Sorry But Im Putting My Foot Down  
GA: Ive Made The Necessary Arrangements Already  
GA: Come To My Hive On Loraf And Be Prepared For A Mediation  
GA: And If You Dont Show Up Within The Next Hour  
GA: Consider Things Over Between Us  
AG: ........  
AG: F8ne. I’ll 8e there in eight minutes.  
GA: Thank You  
  
arachnidsGrip [AG] ceased trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA].  


Kanaya slumps back in her chair and sighs. "She's on her way." And before Nepeta can respond, the anxious thoughts dancing around in her head are interrupted by the sharp whistle of her tea kettle. She jolts up, quickly rising from her chair and going to remove it from the heat, bringing it into the victualblock. Chamomile tea is supposed to be calming, so they're probably going to need a lot of it.

***

It's exactly seven minutes and fifty-two seconds after Vriska's last message that she arrives at Kanaya's hive, and there's a perhaps-uncharacteristic look of distress on her face as she steps in. But as soon as she sees Nepeta, she's back to a more typical scowl. "What the fuck is _she_ doing here?" she immediately asks.

Kanaya sits in her chair with her hands in her lap, taking a deep breath in and out before speaking. "She's our auspistice," she answers calmly. Nepeta simply grins nervously and gives a little wave to the angry spidertroll.

"Are you..." She glances briefly between Nepeta and Kanaya, grinding her teeth. "You're... fucking _joking_ , right?! I trust her to be a decent auspistice as far as I can throw her!"

"Well, who would you rather have do it?" Kanaya asks in an annoyed tone. "Tavros? Maybe Terezi? Oh, or perhaps Aradiabot would be the most impartial mediator."

Vriska growls, and she just throws her hands up and turns back toward the door. "Fuck this. I don't need this."

But before she can leave, Kanaya bolts up from her seat, glaring a hole through the blueblood. " _Vriska Serket_ ," she says commandingly, "if you walk out that door, you are never going to walk back through it again. Is that clear?"

That's enough to make Vriska stop in place, her hand hovering over the doorknob for a moment before both arms drop to her sides. She lets out a deep sigh and walks over to the empty chair at the table, pulling it out and flopping down in it in a huff before crossing her arms. "Fine. This is gonna be a complete waste of time, though."

Satisfied, Kanaya slowly returns to her seat as well. "We'll see." She leans forward, lifting the tea kettle at the center of the table and filling Vriska's cup.

After a moment's hesitation, the blueblood lifts the cup and takes a sip. "It's bitter."

Kanaya doesn't look over at her as she sets the kettle back down. "That's because you didn't put any sugar in it."

Vriska just groans lowly, and she takes another sip without bothering to add any sugar to it. Maybe she's just in a bitter mood today.

There's a moment of awkward silence, and Nepeta can feel the tension in the room, hesitating for a moment before quietly clearing her throat. "Um, anyway! Vwiskers, thank you for-"

"If you call me 'Vwiskers' again, I'm culling you."

"Er... sorry, _Vriska_ ," the oliveblood corrects herself. Right, the cat puns will have to wait, then. "Thank you for coming. I know I may not be the best person for this, but... well, I just want to find out why you two have grown so far apart."

Vriska rolls her eyes, looking away. "Then ask Kanaya. She's the one who stopped talking to me."

Nepeta looks over to the jadeblood expectantly. "Is that true?"

Kanaya hesitates to answer immediately, her hands fidgeting with her own teacup for a moment, like she's about to take a sip of it, but she doesn't. "Well, maybe before we get into the particulars of who stopped talking to whom, we should establish how we got here."

The blueblood takes a sip of her tea. "Nice dodge."

Nepeta sighs. This is gonna be harder than she thought. "Well, maybe Kanaya's right," she figures. "So... you two have been moirails for...?"

"Three sweeps," Kanaya answers.

"Yeah, about three sweeps," Vriska confirms, staring down at her tea, and she lets out a bone-dry laugh. "And it's basically been the same shit the whole time, so hell if I know where it 'went wrong.'"

That makes Nepeta raise an eyebrow. "What do you mean?" Kanaya eyes the blueblood warily as she awaits her answer as well.

Vriska lets out an annoyed sigh. "You know, she's a busybody who bugs and fusses and meddles with me while I'm actually trying to get shit done," she summarizes. "Same as any other moirallegiance."

Nepeta frowns. "That doesn't sound like a very happy relationship."

"It's not about _happiness_ ," Vriska insists. "It's about needs. _Apparently_ , I'm a dangerous troll, so apparently, I _need_ a moirail, so I got one! Whatever."

Still, Nepeta isn't really pleased to hear this. She looks over to the jadeblood. "Kanaya, are you happy in your relationship?"

It's not an easy question to answer, and Kanaya has to take a deep breath in and out before answering. "Not particularly," she finally admits.

"Well, maybe if you actually did your job..."

Kanaya looks over at the muttering blueblood with a glare. " _Excuse_ me?"

Having been called out, Vriska rises in her seat and leans forward, glaring back at her supposed moirail. "You know, actually _stop me from doing bad things_ , instead of just letting me do whatever and then talking down to me after the fact?!"

The jadeblood flinches, taken aback for a moment before sighing and closing her eyes. "We've been over this before," she replies. "If I tried to stop you from doing things, you would regard me as an enemy, and I don't want to be your enemy."

"Well, why not?"

"Because I know what you do to your enemies."

Vriska's eyes widen, and for a moment, she honestly looks _insulted_. "What, you think I'm gonna _kill_ you?!"

Kanaya can see the hurt in her moirail's eyes, and she backs down, hesitating for a moment to answer. "I... no, of course not, I just..."

Vriska isn't satisfied. "Then what?"

Nepeta is looking at her expectantly as well, and she's silent as the two stare for an uncomfortably long moment, looking at the space between the two of them to avoid eye contact. "...Look, it doesn't matter, alright?" she eventually concludes, and she puts her hands down in her lap, looking away from the two of them. "That isn't even how we got into this mess in the first place."

The oliveblood thinks it matters a great deal, but things are getting a little heated, so they should probably change subjects anyway. She rises up a bit from her seat, putting a hand out toward Vriska and gesturing for her to back down, and Vriska does so with a sigh, her arms crossed once again. "So how do you think you got into this mess?" she asks.

"The same way everyone else did. The game," Kanaya answers. "Though in our case, it was less the game itself and more the players. Namely, Vriska's client player."

Nepeta stops to think about that for a moment. "...Tavros? What does he have to do with this?" Vriska isn't happy to hear the name, and she groans quietly, dramatically rolling her eyes.

Kanaya leans back in her chair and sighs, crossing her arms as well, though she clasps each forearm with the opposite hand close to the elbow rather than attempting to copy Vriska's more aggressively grumpy fist-under-each-elbow posture. "He has... _everything_ to do with this, I think," she replies. "I'm sure you're more than aware of their... troubled history together."

Now _that_ was the understatement of the century, and all of them know it, but Vriska can't bring herself to laugh at it. "Um... yeah," Nepeta responded simply.

"And, of course, Vriska being Tavros's server player certainly didn't help matters," the jadeblood goes on. "Naturally, it was only a matter of time before tensions were... exacerbated between them, and someone had to step in."

Nepeta blinks. "What do you mean?"

"She means she got _ashen_ ," Vriska mutters, and Kanaya lurches a bit in her seat, her face immediately flushing a bit jade.

This is news to Nepeta, and she looks over to Kanaya suspiciously. "You... you were their _auspistice_?" she has to ask.

The blush on Kanaya's face grows a bit darker, and she moves a hand up to her forehead and groans. "Well, _someone_ had to do it! And if not me, then who?" She appears to be getting genuinely flustered, just a bit, and Nepeta was a little surprised to see it.

"But... you're her moirail," she reminds Kanaya.

"I _know_ that," the jadeblood snaps, letting out a disgruntled sigh. "But the situation between the two of them was completely untenable. Someone had to step in, or she would've just spent the whole time tormenting him on his planet, and given that I was her server player, I was clearly the only one who could reasonably be expected to do so."

"Is _that_ why you did it, Kanaya?" Vriska asks, leaning forward and smirking at her supposed moirail. "Or is it just because you love to meddle in other people's business?"

Kanaya crosses her arms and looks away. "Say what you like, but I believe my reasons for doing what I did are perfectly clear and understandable."

"Hmm.... maybe you have a point," Nepeta admits.

"But you know what's funny?" Both of the other two trolls look over at Vriska, who seems to be staring into her cup of tea wistfully. "Just thinking back on it... it seems an awful lot like you did a much better job as an auspistice than you ever did as a moirail."

Kanaya flinches once more at that, and Nepeta winces a little. "She d..." the oliveblood begins to ask, but that seems a little rude, so she reformulates the question. "I mean... what makes you say that?" Yeah, that's what an auspistice would say.

Vriska lets out a dry laugh. "Well, for one, she actually stopped me from doing bad things for once!" she muses, and she looks up at Kanaya with a grin, but Kanaya isn't amused. "Remember that time you threatened to upend a load gaper over my head? Honestly, in retrospect, that was pretty awesome."

Despite her better judgement, Nepeta can't help but giggle at that, but she's immediately shut up as Kanaya glares in her general direction. "S-sorry."

Looking back toward Vriska, Kanaya replies. "So what is your point?"

"I'm just saying, it kinda looooooooks like you've been a lot more passionately ashen for me than you've ever been pale," Vriska just kinda throws out there with a noncommittal shrug.

Kanaya curls her knuckles tightly, clawtips digging into her palms. "You think I want to be your auspistice more than your moirail?" she practically growls.

Vriska hesitates to answer, so Nepeta speaks up. "Well... do you?"

"Of course not," the jadeblood immediately spits.

"Well... do you want to be her moirail?"

Kanaya huffs. "Certainly more than I want to be her auspistice."

That was an awfully long answer to a yes-or-no question, but Nepeta doesn't think to press it. It seems like this line of thought might also be wearing out its welcome, so it's probably best that she drops it for now. She sighs, sitting back in her chair and looking between the two of them. "Alright, so what happened after that?"

"Nothing, really," Vriska answers, leaning back and crossing her arms once more. "Tavros and I stopped fighting so much, and then I got murdered, and I haven't seen him since. And then Kanaya stopped talking to me." After saying it, she stops to think, looking at the ceiling in contemplation. "No, actually, she stopped talking to me before then."

Kanaya sighs, and Nepeta looks over to her expectantly. "So why _did_ you stop talking to her?"

But Kanaya doesn't look back at her. She's focused intently on Vriska. "Vriska, isn't there something you're leaving out of your summation?"

The blueblood looks back at her curiously. "What? No, I'm pretty sure that's everything."

"Really?" Kanaya asks, clearly not buying it. "There isn't anything that happened between our little ashen affair and my ceasing contact with you that you just happened to exclude?"

Vriska looks nervous now. "K-Kanaya, what are you talking about?"

Kanaya leans forward and slams a fist on the table, disturbing the teaware enough to spill a few drops on the tablecloth, and making Vriska and Nepeta both flinch. There's a cold fury in her eyes as she glares at her moirail, but she doesn't raise her voice. "Vriska, the key to a healthy auspisticism is honesty, and if you're going to just sit here and _lie_ to both of us, then you might as well just get up and walk out the door."

"I'm not lying!" Vriska insists, but she's beginning to sweat now. "Kanaya, seriously, what the fuck are you t-"

Kanaya cuts her off. "I'm _talking_ about the Pupa Pan incident."

Vriska's breath catches in her throat for a moment. "The... Pupa..."

"With the dress?"

Immediately, Vriska realizes she's been found out, and the look on her face turns from indignation to outright horror, a dark cobalt blush immediately coloring her cheeks. "How... how the _fuck_ do you know about that?!" she demands to know, hands gripping the side of the table so tightly, she might rip a few chunks out of it. "Did Tavros tell you?! I'm gonna fucking _kill_ him!"

"I saw it with my own two eyes, Vriska," Kanaya immediately answers.

"But how?! That's impossible!"

Kanaya's glare remains resolute. "The whole thing happened in your hive, and I'm your server player. I saw the whole thing."

As soon as she realizes that she never thought of that, Vriska collapses back in her chair, very nearly falling over as she covers her face with her hands in utter humiliation. "Fuck! Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck _fuck_!"

And as all of this happens, Nepeta is just sitting there, completely confused. "Um... okay, is anyone going to explain what this Pupa Pan incident was?"

"Well, Vriska? Would you care to explain?" Kanaya asks, crossing her arms in that particularly dignified way once more.

"Noooooooo," Vriska whines in response, not removing her hands from her face.

The jadeblood just lets out a sharp breath through her nose. "Then perhaps you'd like me to summarize? Though I should warn you, I will not be nearly as charitable."

"Well, uh, this involves Tavros, right?" Nepeta presumes, and she retrieves her drawing tablet computer. "Should we maybe... get his side of the story?"

She's just beginning to pull up Trollian when both of them turn to her and bark in unison, "No!" Nepeta immediately jumps back in her chair, dropping the tablet and the idea along with it.

"Okay, fine, I'll explain it!" Vriska finally concedes as she throws up her hands in defeat, her face still mostly flushed blue. "Is this want you want, Kanaya? To completely humiliate me in front of Nepeta?"

Kanaya's mouth curls in a little smile that doesn't look the least bit genuinely happy. "Perhaps."

Vriska lets out a groaning sigh as she leans back in her seat. "Okay. So Tavros was about to fly through his second gate on the little rocket chair I graciously gave to him," she begins, looking over at Kanaya with a sidelong glance, "so I decided I'd prepare a little surprise for him. Nothing bad! In fact, I was trying to something nice for him, _again_ , but see how _that_ fucking turned out."

"You have some very questionable ideas for nice things, Vriska," Kanaya added.

"Shoosh!" the blueblood said with a brief glare at her. "Anyway, we all know Tavros loves stupid fake stuff like faeries, right? So I had Kanaya make this cute little pixie dress for me, and I put it on and decided to wait for him to show up, as another little gift to him." Kanaya's hands once again curl into fists at the mention of the garment. "So when he crashed into my hive, I sprang up from my resting place and gave him the chance to be the troll I always thought he could be. Except apparently, I thought wrong!"

Nepeta raises an eyebrow. "What do you mean?"

"I _mean_ , I indulged him in all of his stupid fake fairy fantasies, and none of it made any difference," she replies, crossing her arms once more. "And then I tried to get him to man up for once and take the initiative on _something_ , but he just wouldn't do it! So I got fed up with him being such a coward, and I... I..."

"You kissed him," Kanaya finishes for her, and she closes her eyes and grimaces.

Nepeta is honestly a little surprised at that. "You did?"

Vriska sighs. "Look, it's not my proudest moment, okay?" she says, opening her eyes and looking briefly at Nepeta before looking away in embarrassment. "It's probably the dumbest thing I've ever done, and I wish I'd never done it, and I sure as _shit_ don't want to talk about it anymore!"

Kanaya's arms are crossed as well, and she's looking away from both of them when Nepeta turns to her. "So... is that why you stopped talking to Vriska?"

"Of course it is," Kanaya answers. "How could I even face her after she betrayed my trust like that?"

"Well... I guess that makes sense," Nepeta has to admit.

Vriska is just looking down at the table when she suddenly makes a face like she just smelled a rotten corpse. "No, wait a minute. That doesn't make any sense!"

"What?" Kanaya and Nepeta both ask in unison as they look over at her.

"Kanaya, how is it a 'betrayal of your trust' for me to kiss Tavros?" the blueblood asks, looking up at her moirail with a serious look on her face. "In fact, how is that any of your business at all?!"

Kanaya flinches, realizing that she's said too much, and she hesitates to answer, trying and failing to maintain eye contact with Vriska. "It... it's not that you kissed him, it's that you... went behind my back to do it," she eventually replies. "You just... violated the terms of our auspisticism. I had every right to be upset."

Vriska slams a fist on the table, and Nepeta gasps, but Kanaya just turns away from her. "No, fuck that! You said earlier you'd rather be my moirail than my auspistice!" she reminds her. "So if you saw me and Tavros kissing, you should've been happy for me! Or even if you were mad, you shouldn't have been mad enough to stop talking to me altogether!"

Kanaya puts a hand up to the side of her head, and after she doesn't respond, Nepeta leans closer. "Kanaya... is there something you're not telling us?" she asks quietly.

The jadeblood curses herself internally, one hand resting on the table while the other rubs at her temple. "N-no..."

Slowly, Nepeta slides both of her hands across the table, clasping them over Kanaya's, and she looks her in the eyes, even if she won't look back. "Kanaya... you said yourself that the key to a healthy auspisticism is honesty," the oliveblood reminds her, the look on her face pleading and earnest. "So please."

Kanaya lets out a hissing sigh through her teeth, wincing as she has her own words thrown back at her. Damn it, if only she'd been more careful, none of this would've happened. But no, she just had to go and reveal too much, and now she was left with no choice but to ruin everything.

Vriska is looking at her expectantly, leaning towards her from her seat across the table. "Well, come on, Kanaya, what is it?"

It honestly seems to Kanaya like it should be so _obvious_ , and she feels herself getting more and more frustrated as she realizes that Vriska somehow _still_ doesn't get it. She takes a deep breath in and out before speaking, her eyes closed. "You know, Vriska, for being a Light player, you are as dense as a black hole."

The blueblood blinks. "What the fuck is _that_ supposed to mean?"

Kanaya's fists are balled so tightly that her knuckles are beginning to turn white, and finally, she explodes. "It means I'm _flushed_ for you, okay?!" she shouts, the first time she's actually raised her voice in this entire meeting.

Nepeta gasps loudly, pulling her hands away from Kanaya to cover her mouth, and Vriska actually takes a moment to even process what Kanaya's just said. "W... _whaaaaaaaat?!_ " she practically shrieks.

"I-it's true," Kanaya insists. "And I have been this whole time. And you should've realized it sooner, if you weren't such an... _idiot_!" There are jade tears beginning to well in the corners of her eyes, but they aren't running down her face yet.

"You... I..." Vriska's hands move to cover her face once more, and she honestly has no idea how to respond to this. "You're... you can't be serious, right?! This is all just some kind of sick joke!"

Kanaya looks genuinely hurt at that. "Of course it's not a joke!"

"Then... why have you been pretending you want to be my moirail this whole time?!"

"Because..." The jadeblood looks down, two jade teardrops dripping down onto the tablecloth. "Because I wanted to be close to you. I thought you would never return my affections, so I... I thought this was the best I could do."

Vriska slowly moves her hands off of her face and down into her lap, staring at Kanaya with a look more bewildered than angry, but still a bit angry. "So you... you _lied_ to me."

Kanaya doesn't look up. "I know. I'm sorry."

There's a moment of awkward silence between the three of them. Vriska knows she has every right to get up and walk away, but... she can't do it. Eventually, she manages to speak up. "Look. Maybe we just needed to... clear the air here," she suggests, "and now everything can just... go back to normal."

"...No," Kanaya eventually responds, looking up at Vriska with two jade streaks running down her beautiful face, twisted in an expression that Vriska never wants to see her make again. "We can't."

Vriska's response is immediate. "What?!"

Kanaya looks her in the eyes for a long moment. "I..." And then she can't bear to look anymore, and she turns away. "I thought, if I waited long enough, these feelings would subside, and we could have something like a normal moirallegiance. But they haven't. If anything, they've just gotten worse."

"Kanaya..."

The jadeblood looks down once again. "I'm sorry," she says again. "I can't be the moirail you need. I never could, and I never will. I think..." She has to take a moment to gulp before she can continue. "I think it would be best for both of us if we just... ended it."

Immediately, Vriska's hands clench into fists, and her entire body trembles in her seat. "No... No!" She immediately lurches forward, wrapping both of her hands around Kanaya's, clasping it desperately. "Kanaya, you... you can't do this to me! I need you!"

Kanaya sighs, and she slowly begins to extract her hand from Vriska's grip. "Vriska, you... you need someone better than me," she insists, not able to raise her head and look her in the eye. "Someone who won't lie to you, who isn't such a coward... and I hope you can find them."

Vriska is unable to speak, completely despondent, her hair falling down to cover her face as her head hangs low. Nepeta has been quiet for a while now, but she finally speaks. "Kanaya..."

Kanaya looks up at the oliveblood, even more green rivulets running down her face, and she sighs. "Nepeta... you did the best you could," she eventually says, her voice as warm as she can manage. "I'm sorry it didn't turn out better."

Nepeta just frowns, and the jadeblood pushes her chair back and begins to rise from her seat. "I... I should go," she declares, and begins to walk toward the exit.

But she's suddenly stopped when a hand shoots out to grab her by the wrist.

"Kanaya... please..."

She can barely recognize the tone, but the voice is unmistakable. "Vriska..." Turning to look back at her... ex-moirail, she can't even see her face through the mess of hair obscuring it.

The blueblood's breathing is heavy, for reasons she's only just beginning to understand. "You can't... I need you..." Even if her words are the same is before, the anger and entitlement behind them is gone.

Kanaya sighs. "Vriska, I told you... I can't be your moirail-"

"Then _don't be my moirail!_ " she screams, and as she rises from her seat, Kanaya is shocked to see tears running down her face as well, two thick stripes of cerulean running down from her big, quivering eightfold eyes, staining her shirt and getting in her bangs. The only times she's ever seen Vriska like this were after she'd been horribly mutilated, and she'd certainly never expected her to end up in this state over a conversation about feelings.

She doesn't know what to say. So she just says... "Vriska..."

Vriska's breath is unsteady, but she's finally found her voice, even if it's trembling a bit. "Kanaya... if you can't be my moirail, then don't be," she tells the jadeblood, her... friend. "I didn't say I need you as a moirail... I need _you_." Slowly, she lets up her grip on Kanaya's wrist, sliding one hand under her own and gently gliding the other on top of it, and Kanaya takes in a shuddering breath at the sensation.

She can't find the words, so Vriska goes on. "If you have to walk away, then walk away. But... please don't let it be forever. Okay?" She's looking Kanaya right in the eyes now, and there's a look of desperation on her face. "You can't just abandon me after sticking with me for so long."

Kanaya lets out a dry little huff almost like a laugh. "...No, I guess not."

There's a long moment of silent understanding between the two of them before Vriska finally speaks up again. "Is it... too late?"

Kanaya blinks. "What do you mean?"

She isn't sure if she should be bringing this up, but... there's a part of her that has to know. "Well, you said that you've been flushed for me this whole time," she reminds Kanaya. "So... is it?"

Kanaya's eyes widen, and she honestly considers it for a moment before letting out a sigh. "Vriska, you don't have to pretend you feel the same way just for the sake of sparing my feelings-"

"I'm _not_!" Vriska immediately insists, one of her hands moving down to grip Kanaya's waist as she pulls her closer. "I... I like you, Kanaya. I enjoy being around you. You make me happy in ways that nobody else has. And..." The hand that was clasped around Kanaya's moves up to her face, and she wipes away her tears with her thumb. "...I didn't realize it, but there's nothing in this world I fucking _hate_ more than seeing you cry."

Kanaya sniffles, and her entire body trembles as Vriska's hand softly caresses her cheek, more gently than she's ever seen her do anything before. Despite all of her better judgements, she feels the beginnings of a smile starting to creep onto her face. "You... you mean..."

"Yeah. I..." For a moment, she can't find the words, but eventually, she manages to swallow down the lump in her throat, and she looks Kanaya right in the eyes, the edges of her mouth beginning to climb a bit as well. "I think I love you."

Nepeta has been silent this whole time, but now she's finding it difficult not to squeal, her hands clasped tightly over her mouth, her breath hot around her fingers as she watches this unfold.

Vriska slowly moves her hand up Kanaya's head, gently brushing her hair aside in that particularly romantic way. She wants to smile, but instead she finds herself frowning. "You must've shed so many tears over me already," she muses with a sigh. "Is there any way I can make it up to you?"

Kanaya takes a deep breath in and out, and she slowly slides her arms over Vriska's shoulders, hands clasping the back of her neck. "Well, you could start... by kissing me." But before Vriska can enthusiastically agree to that, Kanaya is moving in already, and in a fraction of a second, her lips are pressed against the blueblood's, her tongue thrusting into her mouth. Vriska's eyes shoot wide open, but she's more than happy to let it happen, wrapping her arms around Kanaya's waist as she does her best to return the favor, though it's clear that the jadeblood is just much, much more talented when it comes to kissing.

And finally, Nepeta can no longer remain silent, rising from her seat and squealing as the two of them make out in front of her, soon beginning to clap excitedly. "Eeeeee, this is the best thing that's ever happened!!"

As the two lovebirds are reminded that they had a spectator, they slowly, reluctantly break away from the kiss, their faces flushed jade and cobalt respectively. "Oh, right, Nepeta's here," the latter mutters rubbing the back of her neck in embarrassment.

"So does this mean you two are matesprits now?" Nepeta asks hopefully as she walks around the table toward the two of them, her hands clasped in front of her in excitement.

The two of them look at each other for a moment, sharing a look of silent understanding before they turn back to Nepeta. "Yeah... Yeah, I think so," Vriska admits.

Nepeta jumps in place, squealing a little more. "Yesss! I was so afraid you two were going to break up forever, but... well, now you have something even better!"

"Yes..." Kanaya takes a step forward, gently taking Nepeta's hand and wrapping both of her own around it. "And we couldn't have done it without your help. Thank you so much."

Vriska looks away and crosses her arms, though not in quite as grumpy a way as she has been. "Well, I dunno, I think we could've managed _something_..."

" _Vriska_ ," Kanaya says in a less-than-amused tone, turning to her matesprit. "Nepeta helped us. Don't be ungrateful."

"Okay, fiiiiiiiine," Vriska concedes, rolling her eyes. "Thanks for auspisticizing us and stuff, I guess. You could've done a worse job."

That was acceptable to Kanaya, but only because she was in a good mood. "You did a _great_ job," she insists, looking Nepeta in the eyes. "I think you've got a real gift for it."

That's high praise coming from Kanaya, and Nepeta knows it, looking away and blushing a little. "Hee hee, thanks," she replies bashfully. "I don't know if it's for me, though. It's pretty... stressful!"

"It does get that way at times," Kanaya has to admit. "Well, this may be a rather hollow promise to such a good-natured troll, but if you ever find yourself needing the services of an auspistice, you can call upon me any time and I will happily return the favor."

"Aw, thank you!" Nepeta replies with a smile. "I'm just happy to help, really. Especially if it involves shipping!"

Vriska gags a little at that, but Kanaya simply smiles and releases her hand. "Well, personally, I can't thank you enough."

Nepeta raises her hand to her head to give a little salute. "Just fulfilling my shipping mission!" Kanaya gives a sensible chuckle, and Vriska just rolls her eyes. "So, is there anything else you two need, or should I give you a little... purrivacy?"

Kanaya ponders it for a moment, but before she can come up with anything, Vriska snaps her fingers. "Oh, just one last thing," she says, pointing a finger at Nepeta. "Don't tell anybody about what happened here or I'll kill you!"

" _Vriska!_ " Kanaya turns and smacks her matesprit on the arm. "Stop threatening to kill Nepeta!"

"Okay, fine, just the past... five minutes or so," Vriska relents.

Kanaya isn't satisfied with that concession, and she crosses her arms. "Vriska..."

"Kanayaaaaaaaa, I can't just let her go and tell everybody about me doing all of this crying and stuff!" the blueblood insists. "People can't know that I'm capable of shedding tears! I have a reputation to uphold!"

The jadeblood rolls her eyes. "Vriska, I'm absolutely confident that everyone already knows that."

Regardless of Kanaya's insistences, Nepeta raises her hands in a plaintive gesture. "It's fine, it's fine!" she assures her. "I won't tell anybody about the specifics of what happened here. It's all confurdential!"

In response, Vriska stands up a little straighter, tugging down at the hem of her shirt. "Well, okay then. As long as we have an understanding."

For a moment, Nepeta wonders if her job is really done here. Sure, it's good that Kanaya and Vriska have found a quadrant that works better for them, but it seems a bit... dangerous for Vriska to be going without a moirail. Sure, Kanaya wasn't up to the task, but she wonders if she shouldn't have lined up a replacement first. She thinks back to Tavros, and wonders if she shouldn't have involved him in this somehow. There's a very small part of her that thinks that maybe Vriska's feelings for him leaned paler than she imagined, but... no, that would never, ever work. Shipping is hard work, and for just the briefest of moments, she wonders if maybe she isn't as cut out for it as she thought.

But then, while she's pondering all this, she sees Vriska out of the corner of her eye, turning to Kanaya and giving her a quiet little "hey." She moves her hand to her chin and tilts her head toward her, pressing a quick peck to her lips, and Kanaya looks so happy, she could melt into a puddle right then and there. And then Vriska smiles a little smile of her own, and it's the happiest Nepeta has ever seen her, and she realizes... this really _is_ the best thing that's ever happened. After making one happy couple like this, how could she possibly stop when there's ten more to go?

But for now, her job here is done, and she waves the two of them goodbye, the two matesprits sending her off with a smile as they close the door to Kanaya's hive. And as Nepeta begins to climb the stairs around Kanaya's tower on the way to the gate home, she can't help but take a moment to peek into the window and see just what they're doing.

Aww, she's brushing Vriska's hair, Well, some old habits die hard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to make this fic not horny, but then I went and dropped the ball and posted some filthy smut right at the end of this chapter. I'm so sorry, guys.


	4. A Serket Unbroken

Chapter 4

A Serket Unbroken

CURRENT arsenicCatnip [CAC] RIGHT NOW opened memo on board :33 < THE SHIPPING WALL.  
CAC: :33 < *the rogue of heart stands proud at the bow of her ship as she brings it into the harbor, her first ship successfully shipped!*  
CURRENT arachnidsGrip [CAG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CAG: Ooooooookay, let me stop you right there, Nepeta.  
CAC: :33 < what  
CAC: :33 < vriska you cant interrupt my introduction  
CAG: Look, I know what you're trying to do here, Nepeta, and it's very clever, 8ut I've just gotta get the first word in and set some stuff str8 8efore people go getting any silly ideas in their heads.  
CURRENT grimAuxiliatrix [CGA] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CGA: Vriska Could You Please Just Let Nepeta Do Her Job  
CAC: :33 < yes please just let me do my job!  
CAG: No!!!!!!!!  
CAG: Look, just let me explain it, okay? And if you have any reasona8le o8jections to my retelling, then you can make them.  
CAG: 8ut only AFTER I'm done, okay?  
CAC: :33 < ugh fine  
CAC: :33 < but make it quick  
CAG: Okay. So! As is o8vious to anyone with an eighth of a 8rain, me and Kanaya's moirallegiance was totally fucked. Completely unsalvaga8le.  
CAG: So we talked a8out it in priv8, like a couple of reasona8le adults, and it turns out that she's had a huuuuuuuuge flush crush on me for the longest time.  
CAG: Which, hey, who wouldn't, right?  
CAG: And honestly, Kanaya's kind of a total 8a8e too, soooooooo........  
CAG: Kanaya?  
CGA: Yes Were Matesprits Now  
CAG: 8oom!!!!!!!!  
CAG: And THAT'S the end of the story!  
CAC: :33 < hmm  
CAC: :33 < are you sure you arent furgetting anything?  
CAG: Oh, yeah, and Nepeta was there too, I guess. Whatever.  
CAG: There, you satisfied?  
CAC: :33 < no im not satisfied!!  
CAC: :33 < vwiskers that was the lamest story ive ever heard!!  
CAC: :33 < you left like EVERYTHING out!  
CAG: Look, I got everything important!!!!!!!!  
CGA: Honestly Vriska I Dont Understand Why You Feel The Need To Be So Ungrateful  
CAG: Uuuuuuuugh, Kanaya, don't drag me like this.  
CGA: Im Sorry But I Have To Drag You Exactly Like This  
CGA: Nepeta Is The Entire Reason This Was Able To Happen In The First Place And Acknowledging That Is Literally The Least You Can Do  
CAG: Oh, come oooooooon, literally any8ody could've done what she did!  
CGA: Name One  
CGA: Just From The Ten People We Know Who Arent The Two Of Us  
CAG: ........  
CAG: Feferi?  
PAST cuttlefishCuller [PCC] 33 MINUTES AGO responded to memo.  
PCC: 38)  
CGA: No  
PCC: 38/  
PCC: I would be offended, but I do not even know w)(at you guys are glubbing aboat yet.  
CGA: Well Then Perhaps I Should Be The One To Explain It  
CGA: Since Vriska Did Such A Terrible Job  
CAG: It wasn't that 8ad!!!!!!!!  
CGA: Nepeta Would You Mind  
CAC: :33 < no thats fine  
CAC: :33 < i think you can tell it better than i can!  
CAG: Okay, fine, I'll let you do it. 8ut only 8ecause I love you!  
CAG: And you 8etter leave the really em8arrassing stuff out!!!!!!!!  
CGA: Oh Dont Worry I Know Well Enough What To Exclude  
CGA: So Just As A Disclaimer Let Me Assure Everyone That Vriska Was Very Strong And Confident The Whole Time And Definitely Didnt Cry Once  
CAG: Okay, gr8, moving on!!!!!!!!  
CAC: :33 < h33 h33  
CGA: Yes Moving On  
CGA: So  
CGA: As Was Pretty Clearly Evidenced In Nepetas Last Memo The Moirallegiance Between Myself And Vriska Was Not Exactly In The Best State  
CGA: And Therefore I Decided To Enlist Nepetas Services As A Relationship Consultant Of Sorts  
CGA: Or More Specifically  
CGA: As An Auspistice  
PCC: 38O!!  
PAST caligulasAquarium [PCA] 4 DAYS AGO responded to memo.  
PCA: wwhoa wwhoa wwhoa hold on just one fuckin second  
CAC: :33 < ugh  
PCA: youre seriously tellin me NEP of all people auspisticized you twwo  
CGA: Yes Thats What Im Seriously Telling You  
CAC: :33 < yeah! you got a purroblem with that?  
PCA: no i dont got a purroblem wwith that  
PCA: but from wwhat i remember of your last silly memo wwhich is a lot considerin i literally just stopped respondin to it  
PCA: i distinctly remember you suspiciously omittin the darker quadrants from your frivvolous shippin mission  
PCA: so perhaps this is a bit of an ovverly presumptuous intuitivve leap but i was led to assume that you didnt particularly givve a shit about auspisticism  
CAC: :33 < i mean  
CAC: :33 < youre right i kinda dont  
PCA: so wwhy in the evverlovvin FUCK would you be actin as an ashen liaison betwween these twwo  
CGA: It Wasnt Her Idea  
CGA: It Was Mine  
CAC: :33 < yeah thats right!  
PCA: wwait wwhat  
PCA: that STILL doesnt make any sense  
PCA: kan wwhy wwould you trust this wwriggler to mediate betwween you and VVRISKA FUCKIN SERKET of all people  
PCA: like theres literally nothin to stop her from cuttin you both in half wwith one swword stroke just like mowwin the hivve peripheral designated roughage zone  
CAG: Hey num8nuts, did it occur to you that may8e I respect Kanaya too much to 8isect her in her own hive????????  
PCA: not really no  
CAG: Well I do! And don't you fucking forget it!!!!!!!!  
PCA: ok but still  
PCA: nep  
PCA: like really  
CGA: Yes Really  
CGA: And For Your Information She Did A Remarkable Job Considering It Was Her First Involvement In This Sort Of Entanglement  
CGA: I Would Happily Enlist Her Services As An Auspistice In The Future  
CGA: Though Shes Made It Clear She Likely Wont Be Seeking Such An Arrangement Anytime Soon  
PCA: yeah figures she doesnt havve wwhat it takes for a long term triad  
CAC: :33 < more like i dont have what it takes to give a shit!  
PAST centaursTesticle [PCT] 3 MINUTES AGO responded to memo.  
PCT: D --> Language, Nepeta  
CAC: :33 < grrrr  
PCA: nep wwho givves a shit about this guy just say wwhatevver you wwant  
PCT: D --> No  
PCT: D --> Don't do that  
CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CCG: I'M GONNA AGREE WITH ERIDAN HERE, ACTUALLY.  
PCT: D --> Hrk  
CCG: ANYWAY, THERE'S SUDDENLY A LOT OF ACTIVITY IN THIS MEMO. WHAT THE FUCK'S GOING ON?  
CCG: IS THERE A SHIPPING UPDATE HAPPENING? DON'T TELL ME THERE'S ACTUALLY A SHIPPING UPDATE HAPPENING.  
CAC: :33 < hi karkat!  
CAC: :33 < theres a shipping update happening  
CCG: WELL, SHIT. HANG ON, I'M JUST BROWSING THE LOG HERE  
CCG: WAIT  
CCG: NEPETA, YOU'RE AUSPISTICIZING KANAYA AND VRISKA??  
CAC: :33 < well i was  
CAC: :33 < but im not anymore  
CCG: THAT'S  
CCG: OKAY, SO WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? GIVE ME A SUMMARY, ASAP. THAT'S AN ORDER.  
CAC: :33 < yes sir!  
CAC: :33 < i auspisticized betw33n kanaya and vwiskers in hopes of saving their meowrallegiance  
CAC: :33 < but it soon purroved to be unsalvageable  
CAC: :33 < but!!  
CAC: :33 < a newer, better ship would rise in its place!  
CCG: AND THAT IS?  
CAC: :33 < kanaya <3 vriska of course!  
CCG: WAIT  
CCG: THEY'RE MATESPRITS NOW?  
CCG: SERIOUSLY??  
CAG: Karkat, that's literally the second thing Kanaya said in this entire memo.  
CCG: OH, I GUESS SO  
CCG: SORRY, THAT WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF A BUNCH OF SELF-AGGRANDIZING CERULEAN DRECK, SO MY EYES KIND OF BLURRED OVER AND I JUST ASSUMED SHE WAS TELLING YOU TO SHUT UP.  
CAG: Yeah, yeah, laugh it up all you want, Vantas. I'm just gonna 8e over here kissing my super hot jade8lood m8sprit until you've had your fill.  
CGA: Mmn  
CGA: Oh Sorry It Seems My Finger Brushed The Push To Talk For That One  
CAG: <33333333  
CCG: I  
CCG: I MEAN, OKAY, BUT  
CCG: HOW THE FUCK????  
CGA: I Was Just Explaining That Actually  
CCG: OH, OKAY, SORRY.  
CCG: BY ALL MEANS, DO GO ON.  
CGA: Right  
CGA: Well  
CGA: It Was My Idea For Us To Be Auspisticized  
CGA: And I Believed That Nepeta Would Be The Closest To A Neutral Party I Could Find For The Two Of Us  
CGA: So After I Invited Her Over I Asked For Her To Mediate And She Agreed  
CGA: And Then I Delivered An Ultimatum To Vriska To Either Attend Or Consider Our Relationship Over  
CGA: And Then She Came Over And  
CGA: Well  
CGA: Im Not Sure How Much Detail I Should Go Into Here  
CCG: OKAY, WELL THAT ALL SOUNDS PRETTY STANDARD, HONESTLY  
CCG: BUT... HOW THE HELL DID THAT RESULT IN THE TWO OF YOU BECOMING MATESPRITS?  
CAG: Dude, I already explained that.  
CCG: YEAH, AND I TRUST YOUR EXPLANATION ABOUT AS FAR AS I CAN THROW IT  
CCG: WHICH IS THE EXACT DISTANCE FROM WHERE I AM SITTING TO MY GARBAGE CAN, BECAUSE THAT'S THE ONLY PLACE YOUR SHITTY STORY BELONGS.  
CAG: Uh huh.  
CAG: Mmmmmmmm.  
CAG: Oops, sorry, I'm the one who totally accidentally pushed-to-talk this time.  
CGA: Ha  
CGA: Well I Suppose I Could Exposit On That But  
CGA: I Was Told To And I Quote Leave The Really Em8arrassing Stuff Out Followed By No Less Than Eight Shout Poles  
CGA: And This Is Definitely The Most Embarrassing Part By Far  
CGA: Though I Realize That That Order Was Almost Certainly Only Limited To Any Hypothetical Humiliating Actions Or Admissions On Vriskas Part And Not Mine  
CGA: And I Get The Feeling That Its A Bit Of Necessary Backstory To Explain Just How We Got To This Point In The First Place  
CAG: Kanaya, you don't have to tell them shit if you don't want to.  
CAG: It's perfectly fine if you want to say, "We're m8sprits now, and it's none of your fucking 8usiness why."  
CAG: Actually, you SHOULD say that. It'd 8e super hot.  
CGA: I Appreciate The Sentiment But  
CGA: No I Feel Like I Need To Come Clean  
CGA: The Truth Is  
CGA: My Moirallegiance With Vriska Was A Sham From The Very Beginning  
CGA: I Was Flushed For Her The Entire Time  
CGA: But I Couldnt Bring Myself To Confess My True Feelings  
PCC: 38O  
PCC: Seariously???  
CGA: Yes  
CCG: HOLY SHIT.  
CCG: BUT  
CCG: YOU GUYS WERE TOGETHER FOR SWEEPS. WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ANYBODY?  
CCG: WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?  
PCA: kar trust me it wwasnt a matter a personal trust ok this broads lips wwere sealed tighter than troll davvy jones locker  
PCA: she wwouldnt evven talk to me about it evven though she kneww i wwas in the EXACT same situation an i had her PEGGED  
CGA: It Was Not The Exact Same Situation  
PCA: howw wwas it any different from my situation  
CGA: Well  
CGA: Um  
CGA: Okay For One I Didnt Go Around Slaughtering Anyones Lusii  
PCA: oh ok i see howw it is youre just gonna immediately start vvirtue signalin about howw youvve killed less people than me  
CGA: Honestly I Would Rather Not Talk About This At All If You Dont Mind  
PCA: yeah yeah wwhatevver  
PCC: W)(ale, I mean...  
PCC: S)(e's rig)(t, it IS different, but probubbly not in t)(e way s)(e is t)(inking.  
PCA: wwhat  
CGA: What  
PCC: I mean... You were supposed to be responsible for )(er, rig)(t? To kelp )(er be a functional member of Alternian society and not krill TOO many people?  
PCC: But if you entered a morayeelegiance wit)( )(er under false pretenses and ended up being too lenient wit)( )(er, and s)(e krilled a few trolls too many as a result...  
PCC: W)(ale, t)(e blood is KIND OF on your fins, isn't it?  
CGA: I  
CGA: Excuse Me  
PCC: I'm just saying!  
CGA: Feferi Peixes Just What The Hell Are You Accusing Me Of Here  
CGA: If Youve Got Something You Want To Say To Me Then How About You Say It Directly Instead Of Cowardly Couching It Behind Hypothetical Ethical Quandaries  
PCC: I'm not!!! >38O  
CGA: And Frankly I Think This Is Absolutely Rich Coming From You Of All People  
CGA: Just How Many Innocent Lusii Did You Have Eridan Murder Simply For The Sake Of Feeding Glbgolyb Hmmm  
PCC: ---EXCUS---E M----E????  
PCC: I )(AD to feed my lusus, or everybody on Alternia would )(ave DI-----ED!  
PCC: And I could have ------E------ELSILY let ---Eridan murder every last lusus on the planet if I wanted to!!  
PCC: But I acs)(oally did my JOB, unlike SOM--------E P--------EOPL--------E!!  
CGA: You  
CGA: Absolute  
CAC: :33 < guys stop it!!!!!  
CAC: :33 < i dont know where all this came from  
CAC: :33 < but im absolutely not allowing this kind of fighting on my memo!  
CAC: :33 < so if you have to k33p it up then take it somewhere private  
CAC: :33 < this is a happy place!  
CGA: I  
CGA: Okay Perhaps I Lost My Composure A Bit  
PCC: Rig)(t, I'll drop it. Saury, Nepeta.  
CAC: :33 < its fine, just  
CAC: :33 < lighten up guys, j33z  
CAG: I dunno, I think it was kinda hot.  
PCC: 38?  
CGA: Vriska Please  
CAG: Yeah, yeah.  
CCG: SO  
CCG: IS THAT IT? YOU CONFESSED YOUR TRUE FEELINGS, AND VRISKA JUST IMMEDIATELY FLIPPED FROM PALE TO RED FOR YOU?  
CGA: Well No It Wasnt Quite That Simple  
CGA: I Mean  
CGA: I Cant Really Fully Summarize What Happened After That As Thats Well Into The Weeds On Things That Should Remain Private  
CGA: But I Will Simply Say That After That I Was Convinced That There Was No Hope Of Us Remaining Together In Any Way  
CGA: And Yet  
CGA: Vriska Proved Me Wrong  
CGA: And I Couldnt Be Happier  
CAC: :33 < awwww  
PCC: I'm not s)(ore I get it, t)(oug)(.  
PCC: Vriska, since w)(en were YOU flus)(ed for )(--ER?  
PCC: You didn't just agree to be )(er matesprit for t)(e )(ake of not makoing )(er eel bad, did you???  
CAG: Of course I didn't!!!!!!!!  
CAG: 8ut........ The first question is a little more complic8ted.  
CAG: I don't know if I've 8een flushed for her this whole time, 8ut........ I don't know if I've 8een pale for her, either.  
CAG: I know I liked her, though.  
CAG: I liked the way she would 8ug and fuss and meddle over me, even if I pretended not to.  
CAG: And I liked the way she would always insist on organizing all the gar8age I left around my hive whenever she came over. It was cute.  
CAG: And I looooooooved those occasional peaceful nights we'd spend together, me just leaning 8ack on her and complaining a8out whatever stupid 8ullshit was happening to me while she just quietly listened and 8rushed my hair.  
CAG: Seriously, my hair would 8e in soooooooo much worse shape if it weren't for her.  
CAG: And I guess I just realized........ If we were m8sprits, we could still do all that stuff, just without any of the other stupid 8ullshit.  
CAG: And I knew there was a chance it wouldn't work out, 8ut........ I had to try.  
CAG: And I'm soooooooo glad I did.  
CGA: <3  
PAST gallowsCalibrator [PGC] 13 MINUTES AGO NOW responded to memo.  
PGC: WOW  
PGC: GUYS 1 TH1NK VR1SK4 1S BROK3N  
PGC: N3P3T4 WH4T D1D YOU DO TO H3R  
CAC: :33 < i didnt do anything to her!!!  
CAG: She didn't do anything to me!!!!!!!!  
PGC: SORRY 1M NOT BUY1NG 1T  
PGC: HON3STLY 1S TH1S 4CTU4LLY H3R?  
PGC: 1T S33MS 3QU4LLY L1K3LY TH4T N3P3T4 JUST GOT 4 HOLD OF H3R COMPUT3R SOM3HOW 4ND TH1S 1S 4LL JUST 4 V3RY 3L4BOR4T3 ROL3PL4Y  
CGA: Yes Thats A Very Amusing Hypothesis Terezi  
CGA: But Then How Would You Explain My Involvement  
CGA: You Know Perfectly Well I Wouldnt Voluntarily Play Along With Such A Fantasy  
PGC: SH3 H4S YOUR COMPUT3R TOO  
PGC: TOO 34SY  
CAG: Terezi, I think we 8oth know damn well that Nepeta isn't that good at roleplaying.  
CAC: :33 < hey!!  
CAG: Look, you're fine, okay? 8ut you're nowhere neeeeeeeear the level that you'd 8e a8le to capture my character voice as well as I do with every line I post on this memo.  
PGC: YOU M4Y H4V3 4 PO1NT  
PGC: BUT SOM3TH1NG 4BOUT TH1S WHOL3 TH1NG ST1NKS  
PGC: JUST WH3N D1D YOU G3T SO SOFT?  
CAG: I'm not soft!!!!!!!!  
CAG: Kanaya so happens to like me 8ECAUSE I'm rough around the edges!  
CAG: And I'm already kicking myself enough for not realizing it sooner, so you'll just have to get in line!!!!!!!!  
CCG: OH SHIT, IS THERE A KICKING VRISKA LINE???  
CCG: NOW THIS IS ONE LIST I ACTUALLY WANT TO BE AT THE TOP OF! TEREZI, LET ME IN FRONT OF YOU.  
CAG: Oh, what was that, Karkat? You wanted moooooooore auto-transcriptions of Trollian trying to parse actual words from sloppy m8keout noises????????  
CCG: NO!!!!  
CAG: My finger is hovering over the push-to-talk, Karkat........  
CCG: OKAY, FINE, I'LL KEEP MY PLACE BEHIND TEREZI. ARE YOU HAPPY?  
CAG: More than you can possibly imagine.  
PGC: S3R1OUSLY THOUGH K4RK4T, DONT YOU TH1NK TH1S WHOL3 D3V3LOPM3NT 1S 4 L1TTL3 W31RD?  
CCG: HONESTLY? I THINK IT'S INCREDIBLY FUCKED UP.  
CCG: BUT I DON'T THINK I'M WILLING TO LOOK THIS PARTICULAR GIFT HOOFBEAST IN THE CHOMP MAW.  
PGC: >8?  
CCG: LOOK, AS A TROLL WITH AN INVESTMENT IN THE VAGARIES OF TROLL ROMANCE, I HAVE, AT TIMES  
CCG: AND *PURELY* AS AN INTELLECTUAL EXERCISE, I MUST STRESS  
CCG: I HAVE ATTEMPTED TO WORK OUT POSSIBLE QUADRANT CONFIGURATIONS AMONGST THE PEOPLE I WOULD CONSIDER MY "FRIEND GROUP"  
CAC: :33 < wait a minute  
CAC: :33 < karkat you mean  
CAC: :33 < youre a shipper too???  
CCG: NO!!!!!  
CCG: I MEAN  
CCG: LOOK, I DON'T WRITE "FRIEND FICTION" OR ANYTHING, OR DRAW LITTLE PICTURES OF THEM HAVING HYPOTHETICAL ROMANTIC INTERACTIONS  
CCG: LIKE, SURE, I MAY PRODUCE THE OCCASIONAL GRID OR WEB OF SH  
CCG: *MATCHES*  
CCG: BUT THEY'RE SOLELY FOR THE PURPOSES OF VISUAL AIDS, OKAY?  
CCG: I'M NOT A "SHIPPER".  
CAG: I dunnoooooooo, Karkat.  
CAG: What you've descri8ed 8asically sounds exactly like shipping.  
CCG: BUT YOU, VRISKA  
CCG: YOU WERE ALWAYS A STICKING POINT.  
CAG: Excuse me?  
CCG: LIKE, I WRACKED MY THINK PAN TRYING TO THINK OF WHO COULD POSSIBLY BE YOUR MATESPRIT, AND I COULD NEVER COME UP WITH A GOOD ANSWER.  
CCG: FRANKLY, I DIDN'T EVEN THINK YOU WERE *CAPABLE* OF RED ROMANCE TO BEGIN WITH, LET ALONE THAT THERE WAS ANYBODY INSANE ENOUGH TO RETURN YOUR AFFECTIONS.  
CCG: THERE WERE SO MANY WOULD-BE PERFECT CONFIGURATIONS THAT WERE COMPLETELY FUCKED BECAUSE, HEY, WHAT ABOUT VRISKA'S FLUSHED QUADRANT, DUMBASS?  
CAG: Karkat, if this is supposed to 8e a 8urn, it's definitely the weakest 8urn you've ever m8de 8y far.  
CCG: I UNDERSTAND WHY YOU'D INTERPRET IT THAT WAY, BUT IT'S NOT.  
CCG: SERIOUSLY, THIS WHOLE THING IS INCREDIBLY CONVENIENT FOR ME. IF I'D KNOWN KANAYA WAS FLUSHED FOR YOU FOR SOME GODFORSAKEN REASON, THAT WOULD'VE MADE MY ROMSPEC WORK *SO* MUCH EASIER.  
CCG: SERIOUSLY, KANAYA, WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME ABOUT THIS BEFORE?  
CGA: I  
CGA: If I Was Willing To Allow Myself To Speak With Anyone About It You Definitely Wouldve Been The First  
CGA: In Fact Actually  
CGA: I Did Speak With You About It  
CGA: But It Was A You Far Into The Future From Now  
CCG: WAIT, SERIOUSLY?  
CGA: Yes  
CCG: WELL  
CCG: WHAT DID I SAY?  
CCG: OR WHAT WILL I SAY, I GUESS?  
CGA: Well Your Advice Seemed Fairly Reasonable At The Time  
CGA: You Insisted That Vriska Was A Shithive Broad And That The Best Course Of Action Would Probably Be To Wash My Hands Of Her Entirely  
CGA: And That I Could Do Better  
CCG: YEAH, THAT DEFINITELY SOUNDS LIKE THE KIND OF ADVICE I'D GIVE.  
CCG: BUT  
CCG: KNOWING WHAT WE ALL KNOW NOW, I GUESS IT'S ACTUALLY PRETTY SHITTY ADVICE, HUH?  
CCG: SO, UH, SORRY ON BEHALF OF MY DUMBASS FUTURE SELF. GOD, YOU CAN NEVER TRUST THESE ALT-TIMELINE VERSIONS OF YOURSELF, HUH?  
CGA: Thats Fine I Dont Blame You  
CGA: Or Him Even  
CGA: Hopefully Ill Be Able To Meet With Him And Resolve The Matter In Person  
CURRENT apocalypseArisen [CAA] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CAA: 0h s0rry hes l0ng g0ne n0w  
CGA: What  
CAA: we actually branched 0ff a l0ng time ag0  
CAA: that c0nversati0n y0u had with him is c0mpletely parad0xical at this p0int  
CAA: the wh0le situati0n is really weird here actually but n0ne 0f the 0ther aradias seem t0 kn0w anything ab0ut it  
CAA: im pretty sure 0ne 0f us sh0uld have died by this p0int  
CAA: n0t c0unting vriska 0bvi0usly  
CAG: Nice to see you too, Aradia.  
CAA: n0t really  
CAA: anyway s0rry t0 interrupt this c0mpletely p0intless r0mantic exp0siti0n y0u all seem t0 find s0 captivating  
CAA: im g0ing t0 keep l00king int0 it and see if i can figure 0ut whats g0ing 0n here  
PGC: 4R4D14 W41T!  
CAA: what  
PGC: DO YOU, UH  
PGC: N33D 4NY H3LP W1TH TH4T?  
CAA: n0t really  
CAA: ive been handling this all 0n my 0wn anyway  
CAA: ill be 0k  
CAA: thanks f0r 0ffering th0ugh  
CAA: im pretty sure y0ure the first 0_0  
CAA: ribbit  
CAA ceased responding to memo.  
PGC: >8/  
CCG: TRUST ME, I FEEL EXACTLY THE SAME WAY  
CCG: BUT AFTER A WHILE, YOU'VE JUST GOTTA STEP BACK AND LET ARADIA DO HER WEIRD TIME SHIT ON HER OWN.  
PGC: 1 DUNNO  
PGC: SOM3TH1NG 4BOUT 4LL OF TH1S WORR13S M3  
PGC: K4N4Y4 1M JUST CUR1OUS  
PGC: WH4T 3X4CTLY W4S 1T TH4T M4D3 YOU 4CTU4LLY CONF3SS TO VR1SK4?  
PGC: FROM WH4T 1M H34R1NG 1M G3TT1NG TH3 F33L1NG TH4T 1TD T4K3 4 S3T OF TORTUR3 1MPL3M3NTS TO PRY 1T OUT OF YOU  
CGA: Well Youre Not Far Off The Mark On That Conclusion  
CGA: It Was A Fairly Torturous Conversation  
CGA: And I Foolishly Ended Up Revealing Just A Bit Too Much Information Regarding My Feelings And The Two Of Them Seized Upon It  
CGA: But Ultimately  
CGA: It Was Nepeta Who Finally Got Me To Admit It  
PGC: R34LLY  
CGA: Yes  
CGA: She Took Me By The Hand And Told Me That The Key To A Healthy Auspisticism Was Honesty  
CGA: A Truism Id Stated To Vriska Not Four Minutes Earlier When She Was Being Particularly Untruthful Herself  
CGA: But So Was I And Nepeta Knew It  
CGA: So She Asked Me To Be Honest  
CGA: And I Did  
PGC: 1 S33  
PGC: BY TH3 H4ND, YOU S4Y? 1NT3R3ST1NG  
CAC: :33 < i dont s33 whats interesting about that  
PGC: TH4TS B3C4US3 1TS NOT YOUR JOB TO S33  
CGA: Anyway Thats Basically The Entire Story  
CGA: Unless You Want To Hear All The Details Of The Haircare Regimen To Which Ive Been Subjecting Vriska  
CAG: Oooooooor you could talk a8out all the m8king out we did after that!  
PGC: PL34S3 DONT  
CCG: YEAH, AGREED.  
CCG: I MEAN, DON'T GET ME WRONG, KANAYA, IF YOU'RE ACTUALLY INTO HER AND ALL, THEN I'M HAPPY FOR YOU, BUT  
CCG: SHE'S KINDA DONE SOME HEINOUS SHIT, Y'KNOW?  
CCG: YOU SURE YOU'RE ACTUALLY OKAY WITH THAT?  
CGA: Well  
CGA: I Kind Of Wanted To Address That Here Actually  
CGA: Vriska  
CAG: Uuuuuuuugh. Yes?  
CGA: I Understand Youre Not Looking Forward To This  
CGA: But I Feel Like Its Something You Need To Do If Our Relationship Is Going To Continue  
CAG: Yeah, yeah, I know, you're pro8a8ly right.  
CAG: No, I mean, you're definitely right. 8ut still, this suuuuuuuucks.  
CGA: Sorry  
CGA: Do You Know Where He Is  
CAG: Yeah, he's right here, sound asleep in his hive.  
CAG: One second, I'll w8ke him up.  
CGA: Okay He Says Just Give Him Three Minutes To Wake Up  
CGA: Or No Actually  
FUTURE adiosToreador [FAT] 3 MINUTES FROM NOW responded to memo.  
FAT: uH, yES, i'M HERE,  
FAT: hELLO,  
CAG: Hi Tavros.  
FAT: oH, uHHH,  
FAT: vRISKA, hI,  
CAG: Look, don't freak out, okay? I'm not gonna yell at you or anything.  
CAG: Kanaya's here, and Nepeta's not gonna let me 8e a COMPLETE piece of shit in this memo.  
CAG: So, I just wanted to say........  
CAG: I'm sorry, alright?  
CAG: For 8r8king your legs, o8viously. And for 8ullying you, and harrassing you, and........  
CAG: Well, for all the other stuff I did that I'm not gonna mention here 8ecause it'd be too humili8ting for both of us.  
CAG: Looking 8ack on it all, it was really gross and shitty, and if I could go 8ack and undo it all, I would in a heart8eat.  
CAG: 8ut I can't, so I guess the 8est I can do is apologize.  
FAT: i, uH,  
FAT: i SEE,  
CAG: Look, I don't expect you to forgive me, or even accept my apology.  
CAG: I just needed to get it out there that I know what I did was wrong, and........  
CAG: Well, I'd try to m8ke it up to you somehow, 8ut I think it'd pro8a8ly 8e for the 8est if we just........ didn't interact anymore.  
CAG: I'm o8viously not any good for you, and I think you're 8ad for me too. Not that I'm 8laming you for anything.  
CAG: I mean, Kanaya's my m8sprit now, so I'm not interested in THAT anymore, and........  
CAG: Well, I guess if you REALLY want to get revenge and kill me sometime, you're perfectly welcome to try.  
CGA: Actually Tavros You Arent Welcome To Try That At All  
CGA: Sorry To Interrupt  
CAG: Okay, fiiiiiiiine, if you want to get revenge and kill me sometime, you'll have to t8ke it up with Kanaya, then.  
CAG: 8ut yeah, unless you really want to 8e friends for some godfors8ken reason, we should pro8a8ly just end things.  
CAG: Alright, I'm done. How was that, Kanaya? Good apology?  
CGA: It Was Acceptable  
CGA: A Little More Genuine Remorse Would Be Nice But Grub Steps I Suppose  
CAG: Gr8! Tavros, you have the floor.  
FAT: uH, rIGHT, wELL,  
FAT: tHANK YOU FOR THE, tHOUGHTFUL APOLOGY, vRISKA,  
FAT: i APPRECIATE IT, i GUESS,  
FAT: tHOUGH i'M NOT SURE IF, yOU HAD TO APOLOGIZE FOR, aBSOLUTELY EVERYTHING,  
FAT: aND MAYBE i SHOULD ALSO BE, uH, aPOLOGIZING FOR SOME THINGS,  
CAG: What?  
CAG: No, Tavros, you don't have to apologize to me.  
FAT: wELL, i MEAN,  
FAT: yOU'RE KIND OF RIGHT, aBOUT ME BEING WEAK, aND NOT BRAVE,  
FAT: aND, wELL, bEING CRIPPLED,  
CAG: Tavros, don't apologize for being paralyzed!!!!!!!!  
CGA: Vriska You Said You Wouldnt Yell At Him  
CAG: I know, 8ut come on!  
CAG: I'm literally the one who paralyzed him! He can't apologize for that!!!!!!!!  
FAT: oH YEAH, uH, i GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT,  
FAT: sO SORRY FOR, aPOLOGIZING INAPPROPRIATELY,  
CAG: Don't apolo........  
CAG: Fuck. This was supposed to 8e a simple cut-and-dry apology, 8ut now I'm getting right down in the 8ullshit I was trying to get out of in the first place!  
CAG: I don't see how this could possi8ly go any worse.  
FUTURE terminallyCapricious [FTC] 69 SECONDS FROM NOW responded to memo.  
FTC: aWwWwWwWwW sHiIiIiIiT, mY bRoThErS aNd SoPoR sIsTeRs, I nEvEr ThOuGhT i'd Up AnD lOoK aT tHe DaY, bUt It SeEmS aS lIkE mY mAiN sPiDeRsQuEeZe VrIsKa Is FiNaLlY aLl OuT aNd ApOlOgIzInG tOwArDs My MaIn BoY tAvBrO!  
CAG: Oh, for fuck's s8ke!!!!!!!!  
FTC: nOw I dOn't KnOw If Y'AlL bItChEs KnOw ThIs ArOuNd Me, BuT tHeRe AiN'T nOtHiNg In PaRaDoX sPaCe WhAt I'M a BiGgEr SuCkEr FoR tHaN a MoThErFuCkEr GeTtInG a PrOpErLy ReAlIzEd ReDeMpTiOn ArC.  
FTC: AnD i DoN'T kNoW wHaT tHeRe's AnY hYsTeRiCaL dAmE iN tHiS uNiVeRsE bEiNg In NeEd Of A cHoIcE rEdEmPtIoN tHaN gOoD oL' TwErKeT rIgHt HeRe.  
FTC: sO i SaY fUcK yEaH iN tHe GeNeRaL dIrEcTiOn Of ThIs ApOlOgY, aNd SaY y'aLl TwO sHoUlD uP aNd SeAl ThE dEaL wItH aN oLd-MoThErFuCkIn-FaShIoNeD kIsS aNd MaKe Up.  
CAG: No. Gamzee, that is not what's happening.  
FTC: WhAt?  
CAG: We're not kissing and m8king up. Hell, we're not even really m8king up.  
CAG: I'm just saying sorry, and then hopefully leaving Tavros's life forever, 8ecause the whole thing 8etween us is completely fucked.  
FTC: oHhHhHhH.  
FTC: BuT hErE i WaS tHiNkIn ThErE wAs SoMe MaD sExUaL tEnSiOn BeTwIxT tHe TwO oF yOu MoThErFuCkErS.  
CAG: I mean, kinda, yeah? 8ut it's over. Kanaya is my m8sprit now.  
FTC: aHhHhHhHhH, i SeE, sO aIn't No FlUsHcRuSh On ThE wOrKs No MoRe. I gOtChA, sIsTeR.  
FTC: BuT mAyHaPs ThE lAdY bE hArBoRiNg SoMe AfFeCtIoNs UpOn AnOtHeR qUaDrAnT, mE mOtHeRfUcKiN tHiNkS?  
CAG: Look, if you're suggesting we start up a kismesissitude, I'm a8solutely not interested anymore.  
FtC: wElLlLlLl, NoW a BiTcH iS gOiNg AnD jUmPiNg ToWaRdS cOnClUsIoNs, NoW aIn't ShE?  
fTc: No, SeE, i'm AbOuT tO lAy DoWn AnOtHeR cHoIcE mOtHeRfUcKiN sEcReT tHaT y'aLl MoRe As LiKeLy As NoT dOn't KnOw ArOuNd Me, BuT... i'm A cHiLl MoThErFuCkEr.  
CCG: THAT'S NOT A SECRET.  
FTC: aNd SeEiN wHaT aS wHaT a ChIlL mOtHeRfUcKeR i Am, I tHiNk I kNoW a ThInG oR tWo WhEn It CoMeS tO aMeLiOrAtOrY sEnTiMeNtAlItY.  
FTC: AnD bAsEd On WhAt I'Ve HeArD aBoUt My MaIn SpIdErBiTcH'S iNtErAcTiOnS wItH tAvRoS, i ThInK iT'S sAfE tO sAy WhAt A mOtHeRfUcKeR iS wAxInG mAaAaAaAaAd PaLe.  
CAG: I........  
CAG: Fucking EXC8SE me????????  
FTC: cOmE oN, cHiCa, YoU dOn't HaVe To DeNy It.  
FTC: i KnOw YoU'Re AlL hArD uP oN wAnTiNg To MaKe My BoY tAvBrO sTrOnGeR, wAnTiNg HiM tO uP aNd GeT hIs SpUrS oN aNd ReIn In A cRaZy BiTcH pRoPeR.  
FTC: AnD iF tHaT aIn't PiNiNg FoR dIaMoNdS, tHeN wHaT tHe FuCk Is?  
CAG: This is so fucking stupid, oh my g8d.  
FTC: aNd HeY, i ThInK tHe TwO oF y'aLl CoUlD mAkE wHaT fOr A cHoIcE mOtHeRfUcKiN mOiRaLlEgIaNcE wItH a LiTtLe WoRk.  
CAG: Gamzee.  
CAG: I know you must hear this a lot, so I want to 8e a8solutely crystal clear that I'm not even exagger8ting when I say:  
CAG: That is the dum8est fucking thing I've ever heard in my entire life.  
FTC: aWwWwWw, CoMe On, NoW, yOu DoN'T gOtTa Be So QuIcK tO jUmP tHe GuN aNd ShOoT iT dOwN oUt Of HaNd.  
CAG: No, I actually do.  
CAG: Gamzee, he literally just apologized to me for me paralyzing him. How the F8CK could we POSSI8LY have a healthy moirallegiance????????  
FTC: wElL, tHaT'S pReTtY mOtHeRfUcKiN sImPlE, sIsTeR.  
FTC: If YoU wAnT a BrOtHeR tO gRoW a SpInE, tHeN...  
FTC: ThEn GrOw HiM a SpInE.  
CAG: What?  
FTC: iT aIn't ToO fAr To My BrO'S qUeSt ReCuPeRaCoOn.  
FTC: aNd AlL yOuR sInS cOuLd Be WaShEd AwAy WiTh A sInGlE sLiCe.  
CAG: !!!!!!!!  
FTC: :o)  
FAT: gAMZEE,  
FAT: i KNOW YOU PROBABLY, uH, mEAN WELL, bUT,  
FAT: i DON'T WANT THIS,  
FTC: YoU DoN'T?  
FAT: nO,  
FAT: i MEAN, i KNOW, tHAT THAT WOULD BE, a REASONABLE COURSE OF ACTION,  
FAT: bUT,,,  
FAT: aND i'M SORRY, iF THIS IS A WEAK, oR COWARDLY THING TO SAY, bUT,  
FAT: i DONT,,, wANT TO DIE,  
FTC: bUt YoU'D cOmE rIgHt BaCk, My BrOtHeR.  
FAT: i KNOW, bUT,  
FAT: i JUST DON'T THINK, i'M READY,  
FAT: i KNOW THAT, i SHOULD, pROBABLY, oBJECTIVELY SPEAKING,  
FAT: bUT i,  
FAT: cAN'T,  
CCG: OKAY, SORRY, I'VE GOTTA BUTT IN.  
CCG: THIS CONVERSATION JUST GOT **SUPER** CREEPY ALL OF A SUDDEN.  
CCG: TRUST ME, TAVROS, NOBODY ELSE IS ALL THAT JAZZED UP TO GO LAY DOWN ON A COLD STONE SLAB AND GET DISEMBOWELED, OKAY? THIS DOESN'T REPRESENT SOME UNIQUE MORAL FAILING ON YOUR PART.  
CCG: AND JUST, DON'T WORRY ABOUT NOT CONTRIBUTING TO THE TEAM, ALRIGHT? I'M SURE WE CAN MANAGE SOMEHOW.  
CCG: IF WE REALLY DESPERATELY NEED YOU ON TWO FEET, WE CAN PROBABLY GET EQUIUS TO MAKE YOU SOME ROBO-LEGS OR SOMETHING.  
PCT: D --> Do I a%ually have to do that  
CCG: THAT DEPENDS. DO YOU HAVE TO FOLLOW MY ORDERS, BECAUSE I'M YOUR LEADER AND YOU HAVE TO DO WHATEVER I SAY?  
PCT: D --> I  
CCG: DON'T ANSWER THAT.  
PCT: D --> Fine  
CCG: GOOD JOB!  
CCG: ANYWAY, I GUESS GETTING YOUR LEGS HACKED OFF ISN'T THAT MUCH OF A STEP UP FROM JUST STRAIGHT UP DYING, BUT AT LEAST IT'S SOMETHING, RIGHT?  
FAT: hEH,  
FAT: yEAH, i GUESS SO,  
FAT: tHANKS, kARKAT,  
CCG: DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.  
CCG: ANYWAY, I'M IN AGREEMENT WITH VRISKA HERE THAT YOU TWO BEING IN ANY KIND OF QUADRANT IS A HORRIBLE IDEA, AND YOU SHOULD ABSOLUTELY JUMP ON THE OPPORTUNITY TO COMPLETELY WASH YOUR HANDS OF HER.  
FAT: wELL,  
FAT: yEAH, yOU'RE PROBABLY RIGHT,  
FAT: sORRY TO, sHOOT DOWN YOUR IDEA, gAMZEE,  
FTC: nAh, I'M tHe MoThErFuCkEr WhO'S sOrRy, BrOtHeR.  
FTC: GuEsS i ShOuLd'vE uP aNd ThOuGhT aBoUt HoW yOu MiGhT fEeL aRoUnD iT bEfOrE gOiNg AnD sPoUtInG mY dUmBfUcK iDeAs.  
CAC: :33 < its not THAT bad of an idea  
CAC: :33 < it just n33ds  
CAC: :33 < a lot of work ://  
FAT: aNYWAY, uH,  
FAT: iS THAT EVERYTHING,  
CAG: I mean, I guess. Unless you wanted to say anything else.  
FAT: uHH,  
FAT: nOT REALLY,  
FAT: i'M JUST GOING TO, gO BACK TO SLEEP, tHEN,  
CCG: RIGHT, UM  
CCG: JUST HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN SLEEPING, ANYWAY?  
FAT: oH, uH, yOU KNOW,  
FAT: jUST A FEW, eR,  
FAT: dAYS,  
CCG: SERIOUSLY??  
CCG: WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU LEFT YOUR HIVE?  
FAT: uHHHHH,  
FAT: lIKE, a WEEK, pROBABLY,  
CCG: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME???  
CAG: No, he's 8een sleeping like a gru8 every time I've checked for the past seven days.  
CCG: ALRIGHT, NO, WE'VE GOTTA DO SOMETHING ABOUT THAT.  
CCG: TAVROS, IF YOU DON'T WANT TO DO ANY QUESTING OR ANYTHING, THAT'S WHATEVER, BUT YOU'VE GOTTA GET OUT OF THERE AND GET SOME FRESH AIR.  
CCG: LIKE, TAKE AN ABLUTION, GET A CHANGE OF CLOTHES, AND JUST GO SOMEWHERE, EVEN IF IT'S JUST TO SLEEP IN SOMEBODY ELSE'S HIVE. THINK YOU CAN MANAGE THAT?  
FAT: i MEAN,  
FAT: yEAH, pROBABLY,  
CCG: GREAT. ANY VOLUNTEERS, PEOPLE?  
FTC: wElL, sHiT, bRoThEr, If YoU'Re LoOkInG fOr A pLaCe To StAy On, YoU kNoW mY hIvE iS aLwAyS oPeN.  
FAT: oH, tHANKS gAMZEE,  
FAT: bUT, wELL,  
FAT: yOUR WORLD IS KIND OF,,,  
FAT: nOISY,  
FtC: nAh, MaN, i'vE gOt A pLaCe HiGhEr Up In ThE tOwEr ThAt's ToTaLlY hOnKpRoOf, MaRk My MoThErFuCkIn WoRdS. sAfEsT pLaCe On LoTaM.  
fTc: AnD yOu KnOw I mAdE tHaT sHiT hAnDiCaPaBlE-aCcEsSiBaBlE. :o)  
FAT: wELL,  
FAT: yEAH, oKAY,  
FAT: tHAT SOUNDS, kINDA NICE, i GUESS,  
FTC: hEeEeEeElL yEaH! tAkE yOuR tImE cOmIn At HeRe, My InVeRtEbRoThEr.  
CCG: YEAH, THAT'S FINE, I GUESS.  
CCG: JUST DON'T... MURDER HIM IN HIS SLEEP OR ANYTHING?  
FTC: aW c'mOn NoW kArKiTtY, yOu KnOw I'D nEvEr Do A tHiNg To HuRt My MaIn MaN tAvBrO.  
FAT: iT'S FINE, kARKAT,  
FAT: i'LL BE THERE IN A BIT,  
FAT: i'VE JUST GOT TO, gET TO THE ABLUTION TRAP,  
CAG: Which means it's a8out time for me to close the server program, gotcha.  
CAG: Have fun at your little slum8er party, Tavros.  
FAT: uH, yEAH, tHANKS,  
FAT: aNYWAY,  
FAT: bYE, fOR A WHILE, i GUESS,  
FAT ceased responding to memo.  
FTC: aNd I gUeSs I bEtTeR, uH.  
FTC: ClEaR oUt AlL tHe EmPtY fUcKiN fAyGo BoTtLeS aNd ShIt FrOm My SaFeRoOm.  
FTC: bUt HeY, iF aNy Of Y'AlL oThEr BrOtHeRs AnD sIsTeRs ArE lOoKiNg To Up AnD cHiLl AnD sHiT, hIt Me Up On My HiVe In LoTaM. aLwAyS hApPy To KiCk BaCk AnD cRaCk A fAyGo WiTh A fElLoW nInJa.  
CCG: UH, YEAH, WE'LL ALL BE SURE TO KEEP THAT IN MIND, GAMZEE.  
FTC: aNyWaY, cAtCh AlL y'aLl MoThErFuCkErS uPoN tHe FlIpSiDe.  
FTC: hOnK hOnK.  
FTC ceased responding to memo.  
CAG: Hoooooooo, thank fuck that's over. What a trainwreck.  
CAG: 8etween that and the 8lood loss, I'm completely exhausted.  
PCC: Wait, w)(at? Blood loss?  
PCC: Fis)(ka, w)(at )(appened?  
CAG: Oh! It's just, uh........  
CGA: Basilisk Ambush  
CAG: Right, a 8asilisk am8ush! Sneaky 8astards, those 8asilisks.  
CAG: Nothing to worry a8out, though! Kanaya patched me right up, and she knows perfectly well I've got no shortage of vital fluids over here.  
CGA: Yes  
CGA: Shes A Practically Infinite Wellspring Of Delicious Cobalt Blood  
PCC: I'm saury, W)(AT was t)(at??  
CGA: Right Well Anyway  
CGA: I Believe That Should Conclude The Shipping Update  
PCA: wwell noww hold on just a second there  
CGA: What  
PCA: noww kan dont get me wwrong im vvery happy for you finally sealin the deal wwith vvris over there  
PCA: but this quadrant flip a yours does mean that vvris doesnt have a moirail anymore wwhich certainly seems like a bit of a disaster wwaitin to happen to me  
CCG: WELL, SHIT. I HATE TO SAY THIS, BUT ERIDAN ACTUALLY MAKES A GOOD POINT.  
CCG: NEPETA, YOU DID A BANG-UP JOB WITH THIS MATESPRITSHIP YOU'VE SET UP, AND YOU'VE GOT EVERY RIGHT TO BE PROUD OF IT  
CCG: BUT YOUR ORDERS ARE STILL TO SHIP THE FUCK OUT OF VRISKA SERKET, AND THAT MEANS YOU'VE GOT ONE OBJECTIVE LEFT TO FINISH.  
CAG: Hey, excuse me, if I may?  
CAG: Noooooooo. Fucking. Thanks.  
CCG: EXCUSE ME?  
CAG: Like, look. Nepeta, thanks for helping me and Kanaya hook up, I guess? She certainly seems to think you're the whole reason it happened.  
CAG: 8ut as far as I'm concerned, you just got lucky. And that's pro8a8ly just luck that you somehow stole from me, 8ecause I'm the one with all the luck!  
CAG: So I'm sorry to say, 8ut this is where this particular mission of yours has to end. Vriska Serket will 8e shipped no more!  
CAG: 8ecause from now on, I'M the one in charge of my quadrants, and there isn't a damn thing you or Karkat or any8ody else can do a8out it! You got that????????  
CAC: :33 < what??  
CAC: :33 < j33z vwiskers, i just want to help  
CAC: :33 < you dont have to be so overdramatic about it  
CAG: Yes I do!!!!!!!!  
CAG: Look, if I need to get a proper moirallegiance, then I can do it 8y my own damn self!  
CAG: I'm an eligi8le pale 8achelorette, and we all knoooooooow I'm a total catch, so I can find a moirail in a heart8eat!  
PCC: I mean, s)(e's kinda rig)(t.  
PCC: S)(e IS a bit of a... diamondt)(rob. 380  
CAG: Hell yeah I am! Finally, someone who can appreci8 it!  
CAG: Hey, Feferi, you don't have a moirail, right? Think you might want to........ try something out?  
CGA: Wait Hold On What  
PCC: You know... I t)(ink I just MIG)(T!  
PAST twinArmageddons [PTA] 22 MINUTES AGO responded to memo.  
PTA: whoa whoa whoa, ff, 2low your FUCKIING roll for a 2econd here.  
PTA: you can't be moiiraiil2 wiith vk, 2he'2 a fuckiing p2ychopath.  
PCC: Um, Y-EA)(! T)(at IS w)(y s)(e needs one, rig)(t?  
PTA: well, yeah, but that'2 al2o why 2he need2 a moiiraiil who II2N'T FUCKIING YOU, liike come on.  
PCC: Sollux, PL-EAS-E. I know )(ow to )(andle a dangerous morayeel.  
PCC: I was wit)( -Eridan for )(ow many sweeps? And Fis)(ka's not reely any more dangerous t)(an )(im!  
CAG: I mean, I 8eg to differ.  
CAG: 8ut still, come the fuck on, Captor, I'm not gonna kill her if she's my moirail! How stupid do you think I am????????  
PTA: well, giiven your track record wiith your 2uppo2ed "friiend2," ii'm thiinkiing you're a complete fuckiing iidiiot.  
CAG: Woooooooow, low 8low, Solluxander.  
PTA: ii can go lower.  
PCC: Please DON'T!!  
PCC: Sollux, I understand your conc)(cerns, but keep in mind t)(at I'M a girl wit)( needs too, and I need a morayeel just as badly as S)(-E does!  
PTA: well, maybe, but couldn't you ju2t do iit wiith 2omebody who ii2n't 2uch a 2hiithiive crazy loo2e cannon?  
PTA: 2omebody who'2 2iigniifiicantly le22 liikely two get you kiiled, liike... fuck, ii don't know, tv or 2omethiing?  
PCC: W)(ale, if you don't want me to be wit)( Fis)(ka so badly, t)(en w)(y don't YOU just be my morayeel, )(u)(?????  
PTA: ff, you know ii love you and all, but there ii2 ab2olutely no fuckiing way that we are EVER goiing two be moiiraiil2, ii'm 2orry.  
PCC: W)(ale, t)(en maybe you s)(oald just ST-EP ASID-E!  
CGA: Look Everyone Hold On Okay  
CGA: Vriska Your Pale Quadrant Hasnt Even Been Vacant For Twenty Four Hours  
CGA: So Maybe You Shouldnt Just Go Hopping Into Something So Brazenly  
PCC: I mean, if you could even call w)(at you two )(ad a morayeelegiance at all. 38P  
CGA: I Wasnt Talking To You So Ill Thank You To Keep Your Foolish Comments To Yourself  
CAG: Look, Kanaya, we're just talking here. I'm still pro8a8ly gonna play the field for a 8it here.  
CAG: 8ut you can't deny that Feferi would 8e a hell of a pale catch too.  
CGA: Yes I Can Deny That  
PCC: >38I  
PTA: yeah, you go ahead and ju2t talk.  
PTA: ii'm not gonna go raii2iing a biig 2hiit2torm iin a publiic memo about thii2, 2o ii'm ju2t gonna 2ay, ff, we need two talk about thii2, iin priivate.  
PCC: Fine, then.  
CAG: Yeah, and once you're done talking with that nerd, we can set up our first d8!  
PTA: don't get your hope2 up.  
PTA: anyway, ii'm out.  
PTA ceased responding to memo.  
PCC: Yea)(, I suppose I s)(oald be going too.  
PCC: But good job wit)( your first s)(ipping mission, Nepeta!!  
CAC: :33 < oh thank you!  
PCC: We s)(oald DOLP)(INAT--ELY talk s)(ipping sometide soon, t)(oug)(!  
PCC: Maybe even after t)(is memo, if you're not too busea!  
CAC: :33 < oh sure thing!  
CAC: :33 < im purretty sure ill be fr33  
CCG: ACTUALLY, NEPETA  
CCG: WOULD YOU MIND IF I TALKED TO YOU AFTER WE'RE DONE HERE?  
CCG: IN PRIVATE?  
CAC: :33 < oh!  
CAC: :33 < of course not karkat!  
PCC: W)(ale, t)(en, I'll wait my turn.  
PCC: Anywave, sea you all later! -Espes)(oally you, Fis)(ka.  
PCC: 38;)  
PCC ceased responding to memo.  
CAG: Hell yeah.  
CGA: Hrm  
PCA: honestly i gotta say  
PCA: i find the idea of vvris an fef bein moirails absolutely fuckin HILARIOUS for some reason  
PCA: youvve gotta go for it vvris if for no other reason than to make sol piss himself to death wwith anger  
CAG: Hahahahahahahaha, of course I'm gonna!  
CAG: Honestly, what a tool.  
PCA: i KNOWW right  
PCA: anywway congrats again you twwo  
PCA: especially you kan  
PCA: you deservved this more than anybody  
CGA: Oh  
CGA: Well Thank You Eridan  
PCA: at least one of us got wwhat wwe wwere anglin for right  
CGA: Hmm  
CGA: I Suppose  
PCA: anywway im gonna shovve off too  
PCA: good luck wwith your next silly shippin mission nep  
PCA: im positivve youre gonna need it  
CAC: :33 < huh?  
PCA ceased responding to memo.  
CAC: :33 < hm  
CAC: :33 < why did i just f33l the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end?  
PGC: B3C4US3 YOU JUST R3M3MB3R3D YOUR3 GO1NG TO H4V3 TO SH1P H1M 4T SOM3 PO1NT  
CAC: :33 < oh god damn it  
PCT: D --> Language  
CAC: :33 < equius why are you even still here!!!  
PCT: D --> Because no one ordered me to leave  
CAG: Hey Equius, remem8er that time you said I'd kill Nepeta 8efore I let her ship me? And how you were completely fucking wrong????????  
PCT: D --> I said you probably w001d  
PCT: D --> And I stand by my previous assessment  
PCT: D --> Especially given your refusal to a%ept further help  
CAG: Well, I still wouldn't fucking kill her!!!!!!!!  
CAG: Come on, I'm not THAT ungr8ful.  
PCT: D --> I still believe this to be a f001's errand  
PCT: D --> But I suppose it worked out for the best this one time  
PCT: D --> Karkat  
PCT: D --> Are you going to order her to continue  
CCG: AFTER THIS ROUSING SUCCESS? PROBABLY, YEAH.  
CCG: THOUGH I MEAN, HER STANDING ORDERS *WERE* TO CONTINUE SHIPPING THE FUCK OUT OF VRISKA, BUT...  
CAG: Noooooooot gonna happen.  
CCG: YEAH, THAT.  
CAG: Relaaaaaaaax, Karkat, I got this. You saw how Feferi was 8iting at my pale quad like a piranha. I'll get a moirail in no time at all, piece of cake!  
CAC: :33 < well, i dont know  
CAG: Oh, come on, Nepeta, I'm doing you a favor here! And then we'll 8e even for this whole thing with Kanaya, and I won't owe you shit!  
CAC: :33 < vwiskers you dont owe me anything  
CAC: :33 < i just wanted to help, really!  
CAG: Oh, suuuuuuuure you did.  
CAG: Anyway, it's 8een fun and all, 8ut I think we've talked a8out everything we need to here, and this hot 8a8e on my couch isn't gonna kiss herself! She's pro8a8ly getting imp8tient.  
CGA: Vriska I Would Think That If This Entire Incident Taught You Anything Its That Im An Overwhelmingly Patient Person  
CGA: But I Suppose I Would Enjoy A Little Extra Attention  
CGA: <3  
CAG: Ha! If anything, you're TOO p8tient!!!!!!!!  
CAG: 8ut if you weren't, then I guess you would've dumped me like a 8ag of murderous pot8toes a sweep or two ago, huh?  
CAG: So I won't complain that much. <33333333  
CAG: Anyway, I've got kissing to do. 8ye, losers!  
CAG ceased responding to memo.  
CGA: Ooh  
CGA: Well I Suppose I Should Be Leaving As Well  
CGA: But Thank You Again For Everything Nepeta  
CAC: :33 < of course!  
CAC: :33 < it was my purrleasure!  
CGA: I Dont Think You Could Possibly Be As Pleased As I Have Been For The Past Few Hours But I Appreciate The Sentiment  
CGA: And I Wish You The Best Of Luck In Your Future Shipping Endeavors  
CAC: :33 < thank you! bye kanaya!  
CGA ceased responding to memo.  
PGC: M4N  
PGC: THOS3 TWO 4R3 K1ND4 S1CK3N1NG NOW, HUH?  
CCG: I'D CALL IT AN IMPROVEMENT, PERSONALLY.  
PGC: 4GR33 TO D1S4GR33, TH3N  
CCG: DON'T MIND HER, NEPETA. SHE'S JUST WISHING SHE WAS THE FIRST ONE TO BE SHIPPED.  
PGC: L13S 4ND SL4ND3R!!! >8O  
CAC: :33 < you can be next if you want!  
PGC: TH4NKS BUT NO TH4NKS  
PGC: 1N F4CT, 1 B3L13V3 1LL JUST B3 GO1NG NOW  
PGC: BUT TH1S 1SNT TH3 3ND, ROGU3!  
PGC ceased responding to memo.  
CCG: COWARD.  
CCG: ANYWAY, NEPETA. I THINK YOU CAN JUST GIVE THE VRISKA THING A REST FOR A WHILE. TRYING TO SHIP HER ANY FURTHER WOULD PROBABLY DO MORE HARM THAN GOOD.  
CCG: AND BESIDES, YOU'VE CERTAINLY EARNED YOURSELF A BREAK AFTER FIXING UP THE DISASTER BETWEEN HER AND KANAYA.  
CAC: :33 < h33 h33, thanks karkat!  
CAC: :33 < but yeah im kinda beat after all that  
CCG: THEN YEAH, FEEL FREE TO PUT YOUR SHIPPING DUTIES ON HIATUS FOR THE MOMENT.  
PCT: D --> Thank goodness  
CCG: BUT!!!!!  
CCG: ONCE YOU'RE READY, YOU GET RIGHT BACK ON THAT SHIPPING MISSION, GOT IT?  
CAC: :33 < yes sir!!  
PCT: D --> Ugh  
CCG: AND MAYBE TALK TO YOUR MOIRAIL ABOUT AN ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT.  
PCT: D --> That won't be necessary  
PCT: D --> Though I abso100tely would like to speak with you  
CAC: :33 < yeah of course equius!  
CAC: :33 < maybe not right away  
CAC: :33 < ive got a purretty long waiting list here, h33 h33  
PCT: D --> Take your time  
PCT ceased responding to memo.  
CCG: WELL  
CCG: THAT SEEMS LIKE THE MEMO.  
CCG: WANT TO JUST SWITCH TO PRIVATE?  
CAC: :33 < sure!  
CAC: :33 < just let me post an outro  
CCG: OH, OF COURSE. THAT SEEMS IMPORTANT.  
CAC: :33 < its extremely impurrtant!!  
CAC: :33 < *the rogue of hearts leaps from the bow of her ship as it pulls into harbor, the first to sail, but defurnitely not the last!*  
CAC: :33 < *landing deftly on the pier below, she quickly absconds into the depths of her shipping cove, visions of future ships dancing in her head*  
CAC: :33 < *her furst mission may have b33n successful, but her work has only just begun!*  
CAC ceased responding to memo.  
CCG ceased responding to memo.  
CAC closed memo.  


***

Nepeta lets out a relieved sigh as she closes the memo, collapsing back into the pile of furs she was resting on in her hive. Jeez, shipping is exhausting work. It really is like… attempting to wrangle a bunch of unruly felines. Thankfully, she seems to have earned a rest for at least a moment. But then her drawing tablet buzzes once more, a little message lighting up from Karkat. Right! That.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling arsenicCatnip [AC].  
  
CG: HEY AGAIN.  
AC: :33 < hi karkat!  
CG: WHAT, NOT GONNA DO A LITTLE ROLEPLAYING INTRO?  
AC: :33 < honestly, i am just  
AC: :33 < tired  
CG: YOU MEAN "PAWNESTLY"?  
AC: :33 < fuck  
AC: :33 < im too tired fur cat puns even!  
CG: WELL, AFTER A MEMO LIKE THAT, I DON'T BLAME YOU.  
CG: NOT TO MENTION THE WHOLE THING YOU DID WITH KANAYA AND VRISKA YESTERDAY.  
CG: I DON'T HAVE ANY FIRST-HAND EXPERIENCE, BUT FROM WHAT I'VE HEARD FROM KANAYA, AUSPISTICIZING IS... DRAINING WORK.  
AC: :33 < tell me about it  
AC: :33 < i dont think im cut out fur it, really  
CG: HEY, KANAYA SAYS YOU'VE GOT A KNACK FOR IT, AND IF THERE'S ANYBODY LEFT IN EXISTENCE THAT'S AN AUTHORITY ON ASHEN ROMANCE, IT'S HER.  
CG: DON'T BE SO QUICK TO KNOCK YOURSELF DOWN, OKAY?  
CG: THAT'S EQUIUS'S JOB.  
AC: :33 < h33 h33  
AC: :33 < yeah youre right  
AC: :33 < thanks karkat  
CG: HEY, NO PROBLEM.  
CG: SERIOUSLY, YOU DID SOME ABSOLUTELY TOP-NOTCH WORK WITH THIS SHIPPING THING.  
CG: I DON'T THINK I'VE EVER SEEN KANAYA THAT HAPPY BEFORE. IT'S NICE.  
AC: :33 < awwww  
AC: :33 < i didnt know you were such a big softie karkat!  
CG: HEY, DON'T GET THE WRONG IDEA!  
CG: I'M NOT SOFT, I'M A DEADLY THRESHECUTING MACHINE, AND DON'T FORGET IT.  
AC: :33 < you know karkat  
AC: :33 < you can be cute AND a killing machine  
AC: :33 < just look at me! >:33c  
CG: OH  
CG: UH, YEAH I GUESS SO.  
AC: :33 < h33 h33!  
CG: YOU KNOW  
CG: THAT'S ACTUALLY KIND OF WHAT I WANTED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT, NEPETA.  
AC: :33 < oh?  
CG: YEAH.  
CG: IT'S JUST, UH  
CG: I DON'T THINK THERE'S REALLY A NICE WAY TO SAY THIS, BUT  
CG: FOR THE LONGEST TIME, I DIDN'T REALLY TAKE YOU SERIOUSLY. LIKE, AT ALL.  
AC: :33 < oh  
AC: :33 < well, i mean  
AC: :33 < i think nobody really takes me seriously  
CG: OKAY, SURE, BECAUSE YOU ROLEPLAY IN PUBLIC AND DO WEIRD CAT STUFF, SO PEOPLE PROBABLY NATURALLY CONSIDER YOU TO BE KIND OF A SILLY PERSON BECAUSE YOU DELIBERATELY CULTIVATE THAT PERSONALITY.  
CG: BUT EVEN BEYOND ALL OF THAT, I KIND OF... BARELY EVEN THOUGHT OF YOU AS A TROLL, REALLY.  
CG: I THINK I THOUGHT OF YOU MORE LIKE...  
AC: :33 < a joke  
CG: YEAH.  
CG: BUT!!  
CG: I MEAN, THE WHOLE REASON I'M TALKING TO YOU RIGHT NOW IS BECAUSE I REALIZED, ESPECIALLY IN LIGHT OF THIS REALLY COOL THING YOU JUST DID, THAT THAT WAS KIND OF SHITTY OF ME.  
CG: SO, I JUST WANTED TO  
CG: APOLOGIZE, I GUESS?  
CG: ON BEHALF OF PAST ME, ANYWAY, WHO WAS JUST A COMPLETELY INSENSITIVE ASSHOLE ABOUT THAT WHOLE THING.  
AC: :33 < its okay karkat!  
AC: :33 < i dont really blame you  
AC: :33 < i kinda f33l like  
AC: :33 < until recently, i havent b33n taking anything seriously either  
CG: WELL, YOU TAKE SHIPPING SERIOUSLY.  
AC: :33 < not even that really!  
AC: :33 < it was just a silly little hobby  
CG: BUT NOW YOU'RE *REALLY* TAKING IT SERIOUSLY.  
AC: :33 < hm  
AC: :33 < yeah, i guess so  
CG: AND WHILE I'M BEING HONEST, I KIND OF CONSIDERED THIS WHOLE "SHIPPING MISSION" TO BE A JOKE, TOO  
CG: SOMETHING TO GET PEOPLE OFF MY BACK ABOUT ROMANCE SO THAT I COULD FOCUS ON ACTUALLY ACCOMPLISHING SOMETHING IN THIS STUPID GAME  
CG: BUT, GIVEN HOW DEFTLY YOU HANDLED THE ISSUES BETWEEN KANAYA AND VRISKA, I CAN'T TREAT IT LIKE A JOKE ANYMORE.  
CG: IT'S JUST... GENUINELY INCREDIBLE, HONESTLY.  
AC: :33 < oh, its not that big a deal  
CG: HEY, WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST SAY ABOUT KNOCKING YOURSELF DOWN???  
CG: I AM TELLING YOU THAT THIS WAS AN AMAZING THING YOU DID, AND AS YOUR LEADER, I ORDER YOU TO FUCKING ACKNOWLEDGE IT. YOU GOT THAT?  
AC: :33 < oh, well i cant refuse an order from you  
AC: :33 < yes sir! it was amazing, sir!  
CG: NOW *THAT'S* WHAT I LIKE TO HEAR!  
AC: :33 < h33 h33!  
AC: :33 < well, thanks karkat  
AC: :33 < i really appurreciate it  
CG: WELL, YOU'VE EARNED IT.  
AC: :33 < i mean, especially coming furom you!  
AC: :33 < since youre the quadrant master and all  
CG: YEAH, THAT'S THE WHOLE REASON I'M TELLING YOU THIS.  
CG: HONESTLY, AS MUCH AS I WANT TO THINK OF MYSELF AS SOME KIND OF RELATIONSHIP EXPERT, I HAVEN'T REALLY DONE SHIT TO HELP ANYBODY.  
CG: PROBABLY THE MOST I'VE DONE IS TOLD SOLLUX HE SHOULD TRY DOING SOMETHING WITH FEFERI WHEN IT WAS OBVIOUS SHE WAS REALLY INTO HIM.  
CG: LIKE, SERIOUSLY, SHE KISSED YOUR FRESHLY-EXPLODED CORPSE TO BRING YOU BACK TO LIFE. HOW MUCH MORE BLATANT CAN YOU GET?  
CG: SOME PEOPLE ARE JUST COMPLETELY HOPELESS.  
AC: :33 < h33 h33!  
AC: :33 < i know, right?  
CG: HEY, SO I'M JUST CURIOUS  
CG: I KNOW EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED BETWEEN YOU THREE IS PROBABLY CONFIDENTIAL AND ALL, SO I'M NOT GONNA PRY TO DEEP INTO IT  
CG: BUT... WHY'D YOU AUSPISTICIZE BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM?  
CG: I MEAN, I KNOW KANAYA ASKED, BUT WHY AGREE TO IT?  
AC: :33 < hmm  
AC: :33 < honestly im not sure  
AC: :33 < sorry, pawnestly  
CG: HAHA.  
AC: :33 < but i mean, it s33med like kanaya really cared about vwiskers  
AC: :33 < and vwiskers fur her part still s33med to be purretty invested in their relationship  
AC: :33 < even if she acted like she wasnt  
CG: YEAH, I GUESS SO.  
CG: THINGS MUST'VE GOTTEN PRETTY HEATED, THOUGH.  
AC: :33 < oh they did  
AC: :33 < i wasnt sure if i could handle it!  
CG: BUT YOU STUCK WITH IT.  
AC: :33 < yeah, i guess  
CG: WHY?  
AC: :33 < i  
AC: :33 < i dunno  
AC: :33 < i guess on some level, i just felt  
AC: :33 < like they still really cared fur one another  
CG: YOU KNEW THEY WERE FLUSHED THE WHOLE TIME.  
AC: :33 < no!!  
AC: :33 < it was a complete surprise to me too!  
CG: WELL, MAYBE CONSCIOUSLY, YOU DIDN'T KNOW  
CG: BUT I THINK ON SOME LEVEL, YOU MUST HAVE PUT TWO AND TWO TOGETHER.  
AC: :33 < hmmm  
AC: :33 < maybe  
AC: :33 < there was a point, i guess  
AC: :33 < where i just knew kanaya wasnt being truthful with her f33lings  
CG: AND SO YOU CALLED HER ON HER BULLSHIT, AND EVERYTHING FELL INTO PLACE, RIGHT?  
AC: :33 < no not really!  
AC: :33 < if anything, it s33med like that was gonna ruin things betw33n them furever!  
AC: :33 < but then, well  
AC: :33 < vwiskers surprised me  
CG: MAYBE  
CG: OR MAYBE YOU KNEW SHE WAS WAXING RED BACK.  
AC: :33 < karkat i think you might be giving me way too much credit here!  
CG: NEPETA, LISTEN.  
CG: I THINK YOU HAVE AN HONEST-TO-GOD TALENT FOR THIS KINDA THING, OKAY?  
CG: YOU DON'T JUST TAKE A MOIRALLEGIANCE THAT'S BEEN FAILING FOR THREE SWEEPS AND TURN IT INTO ONE OF THE MOST SICKENINGLY LOVEY-DOVEY MATESPRITSHIPS I'VE EVER SEEN UNLESS YOU KNOW YOUR SHIT  
CG: EVEN IF YOU DON'T KNOW THAT YOU KNOW YOUR SHIT.  
AC: :33 < well  
AC: :33 < maybe, but  
AC: :33 < im afraid i might have just messed everything up  
CG: HEY, NOBODY DIED, RIGHT?  
AC: :33 < well, no  
CG: THEN AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED, YOU DID FINE.  
CG: LOOK, I WANT YOU TO CONTINUE THIS SHIPPING MISSION.  
CG: IF YOU NEED TO TAKE A BREAK FOR NOW, THAT'S FINE. TAKE AS LONG AS YOU NEED. BUT ONCE YOU THINK YOU'RE UP FOR IT, GET RIGHT BACK TO IT. OKAY?  
CG: ON SOME LEVEL, IT STILL SEEMS STUPID AS HELL, BUT  
CG: I THINK IF ANYBODY CAN DO IT, IT'S YOU.  
AC: :33 < oh  
AC: :33 < well  
AC: :33 < is that an order?  
CG: ONLY IF YOU WANT IT TO BE.  
AC: :33 < ...  
AC: :33 < alright  
AC: :33 < ill do it!  
CG: YES! I'M GLAD TO HEAR IT.  
CG: AND HEY, DO YOU THINK MAYBE  
CG: WE COULD TALK MORE?  
CG: ABOUT QUADRANTS AND STUFF?  
AC: :33 < !!  
AC: :33 < you really want to?  
CG: YEAH, I KINDA DO.  
CG: I KINDA FEEL LIKE ALL OF THESE OTHER NOOK-HUFFING IMBECILES COULDN'T TELL A HEALTHY QUADRANT FROM A HOLE IN THE GROUND. A HOLE FULL OF DEADLY, POISONOUS SCORPIONS.  
CG: BUT... AS CRAZY AS IT SOUNDS, I KINDA FEEL LIKE WE'RE  
CG: KINDRED SPIRITS, Y'KNOW?  
AC: :33 < karkat  
AC: :33 < you have no idea how happy i am to hear you say that!  
AC: :33 < im seriously honored!  
CG: OH, COME ON NOW.  
AC: :33 < no i mean it!  
AC: :33 < i mean, j33z, where do i even start?  
CG: WELL, IF YOU'RE ABOUT TO START GUSHING ABOUT ME, I ORDER YOU TO STOP.  
AC: :33 < okay okay  
AC: :33 < but yes i would love to talk with you more karkat!!  
CG: AWESOME. ANYTIME YOU WANNA HIT ME UP, FEEL FREE.  
CG: MY DOOR'S ALWAYS OPEN FOR YOU, ALRIGHT?  
AC: :33 < of course! thank you karkat  
CG: NO, THANK YOU.  
CG: FOR KANAYA, I MEAN.  
CG: SERIOUSLY, SHE'S LIKE, ONE OF MY BEST FRIENDS, AND SHE DESERVES ALL THE HAPPINESS IN THE WORLD.  
CG: SHE GETS SO MUCH SHIT ALL THE TIME, AND IT'S LIKE NOBODY EVEN CARES ABOUT HER. IT'S ABOUT TIME SOMETHING NICE CAME HER WAY.  
AC: :33 < awwwww  
AC: :33 < i didnt know you were such a sw33tie karkat!  
AC: :33 < okay thats a lie, i already knew that  
AC: :33 < but s33ing it in purrson is just so cute :33c  
CG: LOOK, THE ONLY REASON I'M TELLING YOU THIS IS BECAUSE I KNOW NOBODY WOULD BELIEVE YOU IF YOU TOLD THEM I SAID IT.  
AC: :33 < karkat literally everyone would believe it  
CG: NO THEY WOULDN'T!!!!  
AC: :33 < h33 h33  
CG: WELL, ANYWAY  
CG: I'VE SAID ALL I'VE NEEDED TO SAY, AND SOUNDS LIKE YOU'VE GOT A LOT ON YOUR PLATE, SO I THINK I'LL JUST LEAVE YOU TO IT.  
CG: SERIOUSLY, ANYTIME YOU WANNA TALK, PING ME, OKAY? I LIVE FOR THIS SHIT.  
AC: :33 < will do!  
CG: GOOD.  
CG: AND ONCE YOU'RE READY FOR IT, GET BACK IN THE SADDLE AND GET RIGHT BACK INTO SHIPPING ALL THESE HOPELESS WRIGGLERS. GOT IT?  
AC: :33 < sir yes sir! <33  
CG: GOD, THAT NEVER GETS OLD.  
CG: ANYWAY! DISMISSED. <3  
  
carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling arsenicCatnip [AC].  
  
AC: :33 < !!!!!  
  
arsenicCatnip [AC] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]. 

She very nearly drops her tablet when she sees that last little symbol from him, the hand that was holding her stylus immediately dropping it to cover her mouth in shock, a deep olive blush growing on her face. It's… well, it could mean anything, right? It's just an innocuous little heart, she shouldn't read too much into it.

But… at long last, she can't control herself. With both arms, she clutches the tablet close to her chest and lets out a delighted little squeal, rolling from side to side on the pile.

If there were any doubts left in her mind, they're gone now. She can do this! Recovering from her blissful little fit, she reaches down and picks up the stylus from where she'd dropped it in between a few pelts, just in time for her to notice a certain seadweller's symbol popping up on Trollian. A shipper's work is never done, it seems.


	5. Two Fish and a Loaf

Chapter 5

Two Fish and a Loaf

cuttlefishCuller [CC] began trolling arsenicCatnip [AC].  
  
CC: )(ey Nepeta!  
CC: Karcrab gave me a quick pinc)( to tell me )(e was done glubbing at you.  
CC: )(e said you seamed a little out of it, t)(oug)(, so if you want to talk later, t)(at would be ocray wit)( me!  
AC: :33 < oh no no now is still fine  
AC: :33 < i f33l really energized all of a sudden!  
CC: GR-EAT! 38D  
CC: Prawnestly, I eel a little seally for not talking to you earlier!  
AC: :33 < really?  
CC: Y-EA)(! I mean, we AR-E t)(e only two girls on t)(e Blue Team, rig)(t? I mean, seaside from Aradia.  
CC: But s)(e's... y'know.  
AC: :33 < yeah  
CC: But we )(ave so muc)( in common!  
AC: :33 < uh  
AC: :33 < like what?  
CC: W)(ale...  
CC: We bot)( love puns!  
AC: :33 < h33 h33, i suppaws that is true!  
AC: :33 < but i mean  
AC: :33 < aside furom that, i cant really think of anything  
AC: :33 < i mean except you s33m furry nice and furiendly, and i like to think of myself that way as well  
CC: O)(, you are!  
CC: But ocray, maybe you are rig)(t, we DON'T )(ave t)(at muc)( in common.  
CC: BUT! T)(at is kind of w)(at I wanted to talk to you aboat!  
AC: :33 < oh?  
CC: Y-EA)(! I've wanted to say t)(is for a w)(ale, but I never reely got t)(e c)(ance. T)(ere was always one seally t)(ing or anot)(er distracting me.  
CC: It ALMOST seems like t)(ere is some vast, cosmic force beyond our compre)(ension t)(at is preventing the two of us from talking AT ALL!  
AC: :33 < yknow  
AC: :33 < i kinda know exactly what you mean!  
CC: RIG)(T???  
AC: :33 < yeah! so lets stick it to em!!!  
CC: T)(AT'S t)(e spirit!!! 38D  
AC: :33 < so!  
AC: :33 < what did you want to talk about?  
CC: W)(ale, ROMANC-E, of course!  
AC: :33 < of course!  
AC: :33 < so did you want to talk about sollux then?  
CC: Pff, w)(at is t)(ere to talk aboat? We are matesprits and we are )(appy and it's fine!  
CC: No, no, I'm MUC)( moray interested in morayeelegiance!  
AC: :33 < oh!  
AC: :33 < well thats not something you hear furry often  
CC: I guess not, )(u)(? I suppose I romanticize it a little moray t)(an most people do.  
CC: Or a LOT more. 38P  
CC: I mean, matesprits)(ips are FIN-E and all, I guess, but t)(ey just don't seem as... IMPORTANT.  
CC: But maybe I am just saying t)(at because I )(ad so muc)( trouble finding one in t)(e first plaice.  
AC: :33 < really?  
AC: :33 < i figured people would be lining up to fill your quadrants!  
CC: )(e)(e, s)(ore, I )(ad NO s)(oretage of flus)(ed and pitc)( would-be suitors, don't get me wrong.  
CC: But my pale quadrant? W)(ale, being morayeel to an )(eiress is KIND of an intimidating set of reefsponsibilities to bear. Not to mention DANG-EROUS!  
AC: :33 < oh  
AC: :33 < yeah i guess so  
CC: And -Eridan did )(is duties w)(ale enoug)(, but... I was never reely )(APPY wit)( )(im. And I don't t)(ink )(e was )(appy wit)( me eit)(er.  
AC: :33 < thats why you stayed with him fur as long as you did, isnt it?  
AC: :33 < you had to take what you could get  
CC: -EXACTLY!  
CC: But once we were in t)(e game and off of Alternia, I knew it was time to end t)(ings.  
CC: I figured -Eridan would eel the same wave, but, w)(ale...  
AC: :33 < y3333ah  
CC: ANYWAV-E! -Enoug)( aboat t)(e past! Let's talk aboat t)(e FUTUR-E!  
AC: :33 < agr33d!  
CC: A)()()(, I'm acs)(oally R--E--ELY --EXCIT--ED aboat trying somefin wit)( Fis)(ka!!! I t)(ink we mig)(t be JUST w)(at eac)( otter needed t)(is w)(ole time!  
AC: :33 < oh yeah, um  
AC: :33 < can we talk about that?  
AC: :33 < you and vwiskers?  
CC: W)(at? Do you not approve eit)(er?  
CC: Would I be acting in defiance of your DIVIN-E S)(IPPING D-ECR-E-E, O mistress of s)(ips???  
AC: :33 < no no no its nothing stupid like that!  
AC: :33 < you can romance whoefur you want, im not your lusus  
AC: :33 < im just here fur advice is all  
AC: :33 < and  
AC: :33 < well, it s33ms like youre kinda rushing into things here  
CC: Ocray, ocray, I know it may S-EAM t)(at wave.  
CC: But I )(ave known Fis)(ka for a long time! W)(ale, perip)(erally, anywave, just based off of w)(at I )(eard aboat )(er from -Eridan and Kanaya.  
CC: And I know t)(at S)(-E )(as needed a proper morayeel for just as long as I )(ave, and probubbly even MOR-E t)(an I did too!  
CC: And I didn't even R-E-ELIZ-E we were in t)(e same boat w)(en it came to fake morayeels angling for anot)(er quadrant!  
CC: Kanaya and -Eridan were bot)( pulling t)(e -EXACT same con on us!!  
AC: :33 < hey hey hey, WAIT A SECOND  
CC: 38?  
AC: :33 < youre not seriously comparing kanaya to ERIDAN, are you?  
CC: )(ow are t)(ey any different?  
AC: :33 < theyre totally diffurent!!  
AC: :33 < kanaya is kind and polite and sw33t, and eridan just  
AC: :33 < well he sucks!!  
CC: W)(y are you getting so D-EFINSIV-E on Kanaya's be)(alf?  
AC: :33 < im not!!  
AC: :33 < im just saying comparing her to ampurra of all people is just  


Before Nepeta can finish that thought, she's suddenly jolted out of it by a buzz coming from her tablet, alerting to her to someone else attempting to troll her. Oh, who is it this time? It's not Equius bugging her, is it? But looking over at the trollslum, she sees the icon lighting up right by her fuchsia friend's, and her heart immediately sinks. _Oh god, not this asshole._ She's considering just ignoring him, but then the tablet buzzes again, and again. He's not gonna leave her alone until she acknowledges him, is he? With a sigh, she dictates a quick message to Feferi... 

AC: :33 < oh speak of the idiot  
AC: :33 < sorry one sec  
CC: 38O  


...and then reluctantly tabs over. 

caligulasAquarium [CA] began trolling arsenicCatnip [AC].  
  
CA: oh for FUCKS SAKE howw much longer are you gonna be wwastin my time wwith this asinine drivvel  
CA: here i wwas bein polite to my friend kar and lettin him finish debriefin you or wwhatevver the fuck he wwas doin  
CA: and i coulda SWWORN you wwere finished wwhen you glommed onto your tablet an gigglesqueed like a fuckin twwo swweep old that just got into the mind honey  
CA: am i gonna havve to drop a fuckin bathtub on that thing to get you to pay attention to me  
AC: :33 < okay furst of all its called an ablution trap  
AC: :33 < and second of all eridan what the fuck do you want!!!  
CA: wwhoa somebodys gettin feisty  
AC: :33 < only beclaws somebodys getting annoying and stupid!  
CA: you really shouldnt talk about yourself that wway nep  
AC: :33 < i was talking about you dumbass!!!!!!  
CA: boy you are gettin really aggressivve right from the outset here huh  
CA: startin to wwonder if you dont havve some kinda ulterior motivve  
CA: like dont get me wrong nep im flattered but im pretty sure wwe both know im outta your league  
AC: :33 < grgrhghrghhhrgh  
AC: :33 < eridan fur the last time I AM NOT FLIRTING WITH YOU!! XOO  
CA: wwell you couldvve fooled me  
AC: :33 < fur your infurmation, even though its none of your business  
AC: :33 < i was right in the middle of talking to a seadweller who DOESNT suck  
AC: :33 < right befur you rudely interrupted me!  
AC: :33 < and youll furgive me if i dont really f33l like talking to you  
AC: :33 < and after the gross cr33py thing you tried to pull befur i dont actually care if you furgive me or not!  
CA: wwait wwait wwait hold on  
CA: youre talkin to fef  
AC: :33 < yes!  
CA: wwell wwhat are you talkin about  
AC: :33 < thats none of your business!  
CA: are you talkin about me  
CA: because if youre talkin about me then no that actually literally is my business  
AC: :33 < look if youre just here to snoop in on my confursation then im just going to ignore you and get back to it  
CA: no wwait  
AC: :33 < and why should i?  
AC: :33 < why shouldnt i just block you ampurra?  
CA: because  
CA: im your servver player  
CA: an if you try to block me ill just trap you in a box of unbreakable obsidian until you unblock me  
AC: :33 < well go ahead and try it!  
AC: :33 < ill just tell equius and hell break me out of it  
AC: :33 < and then hell break all the bones in your body!  
AC: :33 < oh actually wait  


Suddenly, a devious thought crosses her mind, and she tabs back to Feferi. 

AC: :33 < is eridan in his hive?  
CC: U)(, yea)(, )(e's on )(is computer. W)(y?  
AC: :33 < can you do me a favor?  
AC: :33 < just start building a big box of obsidian around him?  
CC: Um...  
AC: :33 < you dont have to finish it!  
AC: :33 < hes just threatening to do it to me, so  
CC: O)(! Okay, s)(ore! )(e)(e)(e.  


And she tabs back to Eridan. 

CA: wwait on wwhat  
CA: nep wwhat are you doin  
AC: :33 < you realize who else im talking to right?  
CA: wwhat  
CA: yeah i knoww youre  
CA: hey wwait  
CA: wwait WWAIT WWAIT NO  
CA: YOU CANT DO THIS TO ME  


She flops back on the pile and giggles loudly. Even if she can't see the big black blocks stacking up around him, she can picture him squirming just from his words alone, scrambling to escape from the glassy prison beginning to entrap him, and there's something just... _viscerally_ satisfying about it. She enjoys the brief moment of silence, not at all minding when Feferi breaks it. 

CC: )(a)(a)(a)(a, )(e's flopping like a fis)(! It's GILLARIOUS!  
AC: :33 < h33 h33 h33!! X33  


Soon enough, Eridan is buzzing once more. 

CA: ok ok FINE i wwont do that  
AC: :33 < h33 h33, thats right!  
AC: :33 < maybe you should think twice befur making idle threats  
CA: you are EVVIL nep  
AC: :33 < it was your idea!  
CA: really though i just wwanted to talk  
AC: :33 < then give me a REASON to talk!  
CA: ugh  
CA: come on nep you knoww the reason already  
AC: :33 < its about shipping, right?  
CA: its about ROMANCE you uncultured swwine  
CA: honestly as a lifelong seafarer callin this shit shippin is just dowwnright fuckin INSULTING ok  
CA: i LIVVE in a ship an i can tell you dont knoww SHIT about ships  
AC: :33 < i know more shit about ships than you efur will!!  
CA: look if you wwanna sit here an argue about terminology wwe can but somehoww i dont think youd be interested in that  
AC: :33 < yeah youre right  
CA: ok then lets stop wwastin time and start wworkin out how wwere gonna pull this shippin thing off again  
AC: :33 < wait, what  
AC: :33 < pull what off?  
CA: oh come on nep you knoww exactly what im talkin about  
AC: :33 < look, if you want romantic advice, i can give you that  
AC: :33 < is that what you want?  
CA: no i dont wwant fuckin ADVVICE from some peasantblooded wwriggler wwho knowws FUCK ALL about romance  
CA: i just wwant you to for me wwhatevver you did for kan  
AC: :33 < what?  
CA: you knoww do wwhatevver bullshit you did to hook her up wwith vvris  
AC: :33 < i  
AC: :33 < eridan i didnt do anything special to hook them up  
CA: oh cmon dont play dumb wwith me  
CA: i know kan has been wwaxin flushed for her for swweeps an vvris nevver gavve a SHIT about her an wwe both knoww it  
CA: clearly you had to do some kinda wweird hearty thing to seal the deal  
AC: :33 < what!!!  
CA: look im not about to judge you for it  
CA: i think wwe both agree kan deservves to be happy an i dont actually givve a shit about vvris one wway or the other  
AC: :33 < no no no hold on  
AC: :33 < i didnt use some kind of mind control on her or something!!  
CA: ok sure wwhatevver you say nep  
AC: :33 < i didnt!!!!!  
CA: look wwill you do it or not  
AC: :33 < well, who do you want me to hook you up with?  
CA: wwell fef obvviously  
CA: i knoww she might THINK she happy wwith that fuckin disgustin mustardblood but he doesnt knoww SHIT about wwhat she needs an wwe all knoww it  
AC: :33 < okay, so  
AC: :33 < you want me to mind control feferi into loving you?  
CA: wwhat  
CA: no of course thats not wwhat i wwant  
AC: :33 < are you sure?  
AC: :33 < i mean, you said you wanted me to do for you what i did for kanaya  
AC: :33 < and you appurrently dont believe i didnt mind control vwiskers  
AC: :33 < sooooo  
CA: no no NO youre takin me COMPLETELY outta context  
AC: :33 < then what IS the context?  
AC: :33 < enlighten me ampurra  
CA: look the only reason i think you did somethin to vvris to fuck wwith her think pan is  
CA: wwell its because shes an enormous bitch  
CA: an yet in that memo she wwas actin like a completely different person  
CA: practically eatin outta your hand like a broken beast a burden  
AC: :33 < she wasnt that diffurent  
AC: :33 < i mean  
AC: :33 < shes still kind of a bitch  
CA: wwell yeah but shes measurably less of a bitch noww  
CA: an its fuckin wweird an i dont knoww howw else to explain it  
AC: :33 < well, maybe thats just beclaws shes happier now!  
AC: :33 < beclaws she loved kanaya the whole time, but they were just in the wrong quadrant  
CA: wwell fine then can you just do somethin like that for me an fef  
AC: :33 < i mean, if she loves you, sure!  
CA: wwell then find out if she lovves me or not  
AC: :33 < what, you want me to just ask her??  
CA: youre talkin to her arent you  
CA: if you can convvince her to attempt to encase me in obsidian then you can convvince her wwe could be matesprits  
AC: :33 < im not gonna try to convince her to do anything!!  
AC: :33 < but  
AC: :33 < i can ask her about it i guess  
CA: ok just dont make it so fuckin obvvious that youre askin for my sake  
AC: :33 < i wont!  
CA: then get to it  


Nepeta sighs. She definitely _doesn't_ like taking orders from Eridan as much as she likes taking them from Karkat, but she supposes she's going to have to talk to Feferi about this eventually. And when she takes a little too long decompressing after talking to him so much, she's snapped out of her attempt to relax by a heavy block of thick black glass slamming down onto the ground next to her, making her jump a bit in place. She makes a very rude gesture with her hand in the direction she assumes Eridan is watching from before returning to her tablet. 

AC: :33 < hey fefurry  
CC: O)(! Is -Eridan done glubbing your ear off?  
AC: :33 < not really ://  
AC: :33 < can we talk about him?  
CC: UG)(. I suppose.  
AC: :33 < trust me i dont want to either  
AC: :33 < but i am gonna have to ship this guy at some point  
AC: :33 < and i f33l like you know him better than anybody  
CC: Reely? Because I eel like I don't know )(im AT ALL.  
AC: :33 < really?  
CC: I mean, I know we spent so many sweeps as morayeels, but we were never reely CLOS-E, you know?  
CC: )(e was always so DISTANT. And w)(enever I tried to reac)( out to )(im, )(e would just SLAP my fin away!  
CC: And all t)(e w)(ale, I )(ad to CONSTANTLY endure )(is -EXAGG-ERAT-ED -EMOTIONAL T)(-EATRICS!  
CC: Prawnestly... I t)(oug)(t )(e )(AT--ED me!  
AC: :33 < but he loved you!  
CC: Did )(e, t)(oug)(?  
AC: :33 < well  
AC: :33 < he says hes b33n flushed fur you this whole time, right?  
CC: Yea)(, I know )(e SAYS t)(at.  
CC: But does )(e ACS)(OALLY?  
CC: Or does )(e just T)(INK he s)(oald be my matesprit because I'm a fuc)(sia and )(e's a violet, so )(e's obviously t)(e most "suited" to t)(e role?  
CC: Because of t)(e STUPID )(---EMOSP---ECTRUM!!!  
AC: :33 < :oo  
CC: )(e KNOWS I )(ate t)(e )(emospectrum, and )(e KNOWS I don't t)(ink it makes anybody any betta t)(an anybody else, but )(e N--EV--ER LIST--ENS!  
CC: You would t)(ink, after ALL t)(is time, )(e would listen to me at least ONC--E, but )(e )(as N--EV--ER )(eard me out! NOT ON--E TIM--E!  
CC: If )(e "LOV--ES" me so muc)(, t)(en t)(at's t)(e L---EAST )(e could do!!!  
AC: :33 < oh j33z  
AC: :33 < do you not want to talk about this?  
CC: No, no, it's fine.  
CC: I )(ave been needing to get t)(is off my c)(est for a W)(AL-E, acs)(oally.  
CC: See, T)(IS is w)(y I need a morayeel. 38P  
AC: :33 < h33 h33!  
AC: :33 < yeah, i guess so  
CC: Prawnestly, I'm R-E-ELY envious of you, Nepeta.  
CC: It seams like you and -Equius )(ave such a STRONG relations)(ip. I reely wis)( I )(ad somefin like t)(at!  
CC: I... reely look up to you two, you know?  
AC: :33 < :oo  
AC: :33 < really?  
CC: W)(ale, Y-EA)(! )(ow long )(ave you two been toget)(er? And you two seem P-ERC)(F-ECT for eac)( otter!  
AC: :33 < well, its not purrfect by any means  
AC: :33 < but yeah, equius is a good meowrail  
AC: :33 < even if he drives me crazy sometimes :PP  
CC: )(e)(e!  
CC: Yea)(, I can T-ELL )(e's a great morayeel, based on )(ow you turned out!  
AC: :33 < !!!  
AC: :33 < fefurry, stop, youre making me blush!  
AC: :33 < i dont want sollux getting jealous  
CC: O)(, alrig)(t.  
AC: :33 < so you think you and vwiskers could have something like that?  
CC: W)(ale, it's wort)( a s)(ot! And perc)(sonally, I t)(ink we will get along SWIMMINGLY!  
AC: :33 < but sollux doesnt s33m happy about it  
CC: Nepeta, I love Sollux, but if )(e doesn't like it, t)(en )(e can STUFF IT!  
CC: And if )(e is T)(AT desperate to stop )(er from being my morayeel, t)(en maybe )(e shoald just do it )(IMS-ELF!  
AC: :33 < yknow  
AC: :33 < thats not the first time youve said that  
AC: :33 < are you  
AC: :33 < fefurry, are you pale fur him?  
CC: ...  
CC: Look, don't tell anyone I said t)(is, ocray?  
CC: But... yea)(, I t)(ink I kinda am.  
AC: :33 < :oo!!!  
CC: BUT!!!  
CC: I'm not s)(ore, reely. I MIG)(T lean more towards pale t)(an flus)(ed, but I am )(appy to be )(is matesprit, reely. I just...  
CC: I kinda worry aboat )(im, y'know?  
AC: :33 < well  
AC: :33 < yeah, i guess i can kinda s33 why  
CC: I KNOW, rig)(t??  
AC: :33 < yknow  
AC: :33 < between eridan, sollux, and now vwiskers  
AC: :33 < it kinda s33ms you have a type  
CC: ...FUCK, maybe I do. 38P  
AC: :33 < h33 h33!  
AC: :33 < its fine though! as long as you know what youre getting into  
CC: I t)(ink I do! I'm s)(ore if anybody can )(andle Fis)(ka, it's me!  
CC: It'll be R-E-EFR-ES)(ING to )(ave somebody I can always talk to aboat stuff like t)(is!  
AC: :33 < hmmm  
AC: :33 < you sure you dont want to try something with sollux?  
AC: :33 < something pale i mean?  
CC: W)(ale...  
CC: Don't tell anyone aboat t)(is eit)(er?  
AC: :33 < of course!  
CC: Ocray, it's just...  
CC: I DO want to, but... )(e R--E--ELY doesn't like talking aboat morayeelegiance.  
CC: W)(enever I bring up t)(e idea of )(im finding a morayeel, )(e ALWAYS s)(oots it down wit)(out fail.  
CC: And not even me, just ANYBODY!  
CC: T)(e w)(ole t)(ing is just a reely sore subject for )(im, and I'm not s)(ore w)(y.  
AC: :33 < hmmm  
AC: :33 < thats really weird  
CC: I know, rig)(t?  
CC: I'm not reely s)(ore w)(at to do about it mys)(ellf. I just figure it's somefin you'll )(ave to worry aboat down t)(e line.  
AC: :33 < yeah i guess so!  


She's suddenly jolted by another buzz from her tablet. Oh, for fuck's sake. She tabs back to Eridan. 

CA: ok howw FUCKIN long does it take to ask about this  
CA: unless shes wwritin an entire fuckin dissertation on howw much she lovves or does not lovve me you shouldvve gotten the required information by noww  
CA: so wwhy are you still just layin here like a loaf gabbin awway wwith her  
AC: :33 < excuse me!  
AC: :33 < fur your infurmation, i am NOT laying like a loaf!  
AC: :33 < thats a very specific way of laying, and  
AC: :33 < okay its not purrticularly conducive to opurrating a drawing tablet  
AC: :33 < but its like  


Setting the tablet down on the pile, Nepeta quickly flips over onto her stomach, curling her knees up and tucking her arms beneath her in something approximating the way her lusus would sit down, before returning to her original position 

AC: :33 < like that!  
CA: god you are so fuckin ridiculous  
CA: ok fine thank you for the incredibly important terminology lesson  
CA: noww wwould you fuckin ask if shed evver be matesprits wwith me or not like i asked you to the first fuckin time  
AC: :33 < okay fine!!!  


Personally, Nepeta thinks she already knows the answer, but she tabs back over to Feferi anyway. 

AC: :33 < sorry, a little distracted  
CC: Yea)(, I bet.  
AC: :33 < so  
AC: :33 < i hate to just come out and ask like this  
AC: :33 < but  
AC: :33 < is there any chance youd ever want to be eridans matesprit?  
CC: ...  
CC: It's -EXTR-EM-ELY slim, I t)(ink.  
AC: :33 < yeah i figured  
CC: It's just... )(e would )(ave to c)(ange a LOT for me to be comfortable wit)( t)(e idea, reely.  
CC: And I t)(ink )(e can! But it will take a lot of time, and a lot of effort. And I don't know if )(e is willing to put t)(at in.  
CC: And I don't reely expect )(im to.  
AC: :33 < hmm  
AC: :33 < is it okay if i tell him that?  
CC: S)(ore, if )(e's willing to listen.  
AC: :33 < alright  
AC: :33 < im going back in  
AC: :33 < thisll purrobably be a while  
CC: Good luck! 38P  


Nepeta takes a deep breath in and out as she tabs back over to her conversation with Eridan. This isn't going to be fun. 

AC: :33 < okay  
CA: so wwhatd she say  
AC: :33 < well  
AC: :33 < i dont think its gonna happen eridan  
CA: wwhat  
CA: wwhat the fuck is that supposed to mean  
CA: like is that just your professional opinion as a shipper cause if it is i dont particularly givve a FUCK about it  
AC: :33 < look im not just gonna copy over everything she said  
AC: :33 < but she said the chances were  
AC: :33 < "-EXTR-EM-ELY slim"  
CA: look dont do her fuckin quirk ok  
AC: :33 < im not! i just copy and pasted that  
CA: wwell wwhy the fuck wwould she say that  
AC: :33 < j33z, i dunno eridan!  
AC: :33 < maybe its because you were nothing but shitty and annoying with her the entire time you were together?  
CA: hey excuse me wwhat the FUCK do you knoww about wwhat our moirallegiance wwas like  
AC: :33 < i know enough!  
AC: :33 < she told me that you were always distant and standoffish with her  
AC: :33 < and that every time she tried to reach out to you you just pushed her further away  
AC: :33 < she thought you hated her!  
CA: WWHAT  
CA: wwhy in the EVVERLOVVIN FUCK wwould she think that  
AC: :33 < why wouldnt she!!  
AC: :33 < you two have nothing in common!  
AC: :33 < you love the hemospectrum and she thinks its stupid!  
AC: :33 < she likes landdwellers, and you want to kill all of them!  
AC: :33 < and if youre always complaining and criticizing her and her ideas, then why the FUCK would you think she would love you???  
CA: i  
CA: fuck  
CA: ivve completely dug my owwn burial trench  
CA: i dont havve a fuckin chance wwith her anymore an its all my fault isnt it  
AC: :33 < kind of yeah!  
CA: i  
CA: shit  
CA: i cant do this  
AC: :33 < what?  
CA: if i cant be wwith fef then wwhats the point of goin on livvin  
CA: i might as wwell just end it all  
CA: just wwalk outta my hivve an let the angels take me  
AC: :33 < WHAT????  
CA: dont try an stop me nep  
CA: theres no reason for me to go on in this wworld  
CA: fef wwas the only thing that mattered to me an noww shes outta my reach for good  
CA: so i might as wwell just fuckin DIE ok  


Seeing those words, Nepeta is filled with... anger. Deep, intense, _unfathomable_ anger, more than she's ever felt in her life. Her hands grip the drawing tablet so firmly that she's afraid she might break it, before she begins to type. Her hands almost seem to move on their own, fingers a blur of taps on the on-screen keyboard.

AC: oh for fucks sake, would you just STOP IT!!!!!  
CA: wwwwhat  
AC: this is just more of your overdramatic bullshit!  
AC: youre not gonna kill yourself over a fucking breakup!  
AC: so sit down and listen up because youre not going fucking anywhere!!  
CA: but nep  
CA: you dont understand  
CA: it hurts  
AC: you think i dont understand how terrible it feels to love someone without them loving you back?? ME of all people???  
AC: thats literally been my entire life, you FUCKING IDIOT!!!  
CA: wwhat  
AC: but i didnt let it twist me into an angry little ball of hate like YOU did!!  
AC: and honestly do you even really love her?  
CA: wwhat of course i do wwhy would you evven ask that  
AC: because it seems like you dont even LIKE her!!  
AC: all you ever did when you two were moirails was constantly wear her down and pick apart all of the things she considered important to her!!  
AC: what do you even like about her???  
CA: wwell wwhat kinda stupid fuckin question is that  
CA: i like literally evverythin about her shes perfect  
AC: SHE IS NOT PERFECT!!!  
AC: shes bossy and shes pushy and shes condescending and she thinks she knows whats best for everyone even when she doesnt!!  
CA: hey wwhat the fuck  
AC: im not saying shes a bad person, but shes got flaws!  
AC: and if you cant admit to that, then youve got no right saying you love her!!  
AC: because you DONT!! youre lying to me, and youre lying to yourself!!  
AC: the truth is, the only reason you became so infatuated with her in the first place is because of the color of her blood!!  
AC: and you thought you were ENTITLED to her because nobody else was WORTHY of her, but guess what, thats not how love works!!!  
AC: and if you even stopped to think about it for FIVE FUCKING SECONDS, youd realize that you two are the LEAST compatible matesprits possible!!  
AC: literally ANYONE ELSE would be a better fit for your flushed quadrant and you know it!  
AC: frankly, you two have so many irreconcilable differences, im honestly surprised you two arent kismesisses by now!!  
AC: but you were so focused on this big perfect matespritship youd built up in your head that you refused to see any of it!!  
AC: and the truth is, you never really cared about her AT ALL!!  
AC: hell, even in this conversation, you didnt care about her! you just wanted me to set her up with you, and you didnt care if i had to mind control her to do it!!  
AC: and dont even give me any of that bullshit about context, because we BOTH know what you meant!!  
AC: shes a person, eridan! with feelings! and her feelings are that she doesnt love you, and you just have to fucking DEAL WITH IT!!!  
AC: just accept that your stupid little fantasy relationship can never be and move on with your life!!  
AC: pick yourself up off the ground and try to do improve things for yourself instead of constantly throwing this stupid little pity party of yours!!!  
AC: and DONT FUCKING KILL YOURSELF, YOU STUPID PIECE OF SHIT!!!!!!!  


She's practically been in a fugue state as she's been typing, and with that last line, she snaps out of it. Her breathing has gotten heavier and heavier, to the point where it's beginning to fog up the screen of her tablet just a bit, and a deep olive flush climbs to her cheeks as she looks at everything she's just typed. Where did all that even _come_ from? If Equius saw her talking like this, he'd have an aneurysm. 

Eridan is silent for longer than Nepeta expected, and she's a little shocked when her tablet buzzes with a message from Feferi. She quickly tabs over. 

CC: U)(, Nepeta, is everyfin alrig)(t? -Eridan is just staring at )(is screen in a kinda... creepy wave.  
CC: You're not... naked or somefin, are you?  
AC: feferi not right now  
CC: 38O  


Nepeta doesn't even wait for a further response before she tabs back. After a few more awkward seconds, she sees him finally begin to type something in response. 

CA: nep  
CA: i  
CA: holy shit  
AC: :33 < ...sorry  
CA: no no i mean  
CA: youre right  
CA: like youre basically one hundred percent right about evverything  
CA: i think  
CA: i think i might havve needed to hear somethin like that for a wwhile  
CA: so thanks for bein the one to finally properly rip into me  
AC: :33 < youre  
AC: :33 < youre thanking me fur yelling at you?  
CA: look nep i knoww you havve trouble appreciatin anything that isnt all moonlight an rainbowws but sometimes the only thing that can kick somebody out of a rut is a properly furious tirade  
CA: an lemme tell ya theres nobody that properly enjoys a particularly incisivve screed than yours truly  
CA: i really didnt think you had it in you honestly im impressed  
AC: :33 < i mean, im a little embarrassed  
CA: no no no nep its nothin to be ashamed of  
CA: these are all perfectly normal feelins for a troll to havve  
CA: an frankly betwween your cloyingly swweet facade an that moirail a yours havvin such authoritarian control ovver you i wworry that you havvent got a proper outlet for your trollish aggressions  
CA: that can only lead to bad things trust me i knoww from personal experience  
CA: yknoww i might be wwillin to help you wwith that  
AC: :33 < hey!  
AC: :33 < im not the one who n33ds help here  
AC: :33 < last i checked, you were the one begging ME fur help!  
CA: ok ok grub steps grub steps ill drop it  
AC: :33 < you s33m like youre in a weirdly good mood  
AC: :33 < considering how suicidal you just were  
CA: ok first of all i wwasnt REALLY suicidal i wwas just bein an ovverdramatic piece a shit i thought you kneww that  
CA: an second this is the most attention ivve gotten in wweeks so ill take wwhat i can get  
CA: evven if it is from a mewwlin grub wwho stinks like a dead cholerbear  
AC: :33 < fur your infurmation i smell fine!!  
CA: yeah sure you do  
AC: :33 < look, do you want my help or not?  
CA: yeah yeah of course i do  
CA: i mean im wwillin to hear you out in any case  
AC: :33 < well then i might be willing to  
AC: :33 < but!  
AC: :33 < i have a few conditions  
CA: ugh  
CA: like wwhat  
AC: :33 < ok, furst of all  
AC: :33 < i dont take orders from you  
AC: :33 < ill give you my help and advice, but you cant just tell me to hook you up with whoefur you want, ok?  
CA: yeah fine i guess  
CA: as long as youre wwillin to hear suggestions  
CA: so at least wwere equals  
AC: :33 < hmm  
AC: :33 < okay, i guess thats fine  
AC: :33 < just dont push it!  
CA: an wwhat if i do push it huh  
AC: :33 < well  
AC: :33 < then ill tell everyone what a cr33p you were when i furst got to your planet  
AC: :33 < and ill post the chatlogs to prove it!  
CA: hey hey hey wwait a minute  
CA: nep i wwas just engagin in a little friendly teasin you dont gotta go an bring actual fuckin blackmail into the picture  
AC: :33 < then dont push it!!!  
CA: alright alright fine message receivved  
AC: :33 < oh, and speaking of that  
AC: :33 < i want an apawlogy  
CA: wwhat  
CA: ugh nep come on that wwas ages ago youre not seriously still mad about it are you  
AC: :33 < it was really cr33py eridan!!  
AC: :33 < id only been in the game fur a few hours and id just gotten off lolcat  
AC: :33 < and suddenly i have to deal with a seadweller threatening to cull me if i dont become his matespurrit!  
AC: :33 < so yes im still mad, and i want you to apawlogize  
CA: god nep youre really twwistin the knife here huh  
AC: :33 < h33 h33, what can i say?  
AC: :33 < i just like s33ing you squirm fur some reason!  
CA: ok look im not proud of it either  
CA: id just gotten dumped by fef an i wwas in a pretty bad place emotionally  
CA: an i wwasnt evven really serious either like wwhy the hell wwould i like somebody like you for a matesprit  
AC: :33 < more like why would i want somebody like YOU for a matespurrit!!!  
CA: yeah yeah go ahead an act like i aint a catch  
AC: :33 < only if i were fishing fur a meal!  
CA: wwoww yeah nep just owwn the shit outta me by bringing up your vvore fetish ok  
AC: :33 < what!!  
AC: :33 < thats not what i meant, shut up!!!  
CA: yeah yeah alright ill admit i wwas outta line  
CA: so yeah im sorry  
CA: it wwas a pretty shitty thing to do an i hope you can find it in your expandin and collapsin bladder based aquatic vvascular system to forgivve me  
AC: :33 < call it a heart  
CA: wwhat wwhy  
AC: :33 < beclaws furst of all im a landdweller and i dont even have one of those  
AC: :33 < and second im not the rogue of expanding and collapsing bladder based aquatic vascular systems!!!  
CA: ok fine in your heart then wwhatevver  
AC: :33 < okay  
AC: :33 < thank you fur apawlogizing, eridan  
AC: :33 < i furgive you!  
CA: ok cool  
CA: so wwere back to square one here  
AC: :33 < well, not completely  
AC: :33 < but close enough!  
CA: alright ill take wwhat i can get  
CA: so wwhats the next step here  
CA: like forget about the fef thing  
CA: shes wwith sol an she seems happy enough an evven if she wwerent i think wwevve pretty wwell established that ivve burned my bridge there  
CA: though come to think of it ivve burned a lotta bridges  
CA: at this point im pretty sure im just an island surrounded by an unfathomable amount of charred lumber  
CA: an strewwn wwith no shortage of angel corpses an empty soda bottles  
CA: perhaps the local sea creatures havve adapted to this drastic change to their envvironment and begun to interwweavve the offending flotsam into a vvast an expansive reef structure replete wwith its owwn complex ecology  
CA: an noww i cant evven build another bridge for fear of protests from envvironmentalist extremists in this longwwinded metaphor ivve devveloped  
AC: :33 < h33 h33!  
AC: :33 < you paint a funny picture ampurra  
AC: :33 < but i dont think its as bad as you say!  
AC: :33 < i think its less youve burned your bridges and more  
AC: :33 < well, have you efur heard the saying, when life closes a door, it opens a window?  
CA: wwell yeah  
CA: somethin to that effect wwith vvaryin and highly disputed attributions  
AC: :33 < well  
AC: :33 < youve just  
AC: :33 < closed a lot of doors  
CA: but ivve opened a lot of wwindowws  
AC: :33 < exactly!  
CA: great  
CA: no wwonder all these fuckin angels are gettin in here then  
AC: :33 < h33 h33!  
CA: an wwindowws arent exactly designed for convvenient access by evvery poor schlub lookin to infiltrate them  
CA: so wwhat youre sayin is ivve got a lotta vvery awwkwward climbin to do to actually get back into this metaphorical towwer of romance  
AC: :33 < yeah something like that  
AC: :33 < youve still got plenty of oppurrtunities  
AC: :33 < theyre just not the ones you might expect!  
CA: or wwant  
AC: :33 < yeah, or that  
CA: hrm  
CA: man im not evven sure wwhere to start  
CA: all this time ivve thought fef wwas the only troll in the wworld for me  
CA: an im only noww just realizin that it wwas all just a particularly powwerful delusion ivve been subjectin myself to for swweeps  
CA: it fuckin sucks  
CA: like wwhat do i evven do  
AC: :33 < well  
AC: :33 < you want my advice?  
CA: yeah sure  
AC: :33 < i think maybe  
AC: :33 < you shouldnt think about flushed romance fur now  
AC: :33 < i f33l like youre not ready fur it yet  
CA: hmm  
CA: normally id take that as an insult  
CA: but i think you might be right  
AC: :33 < when i was talking to fefurry  
AC: :33 < she said you would have to change a lot fur her to want to be matespurrits with you  
AC: :33 < but she thought you could do it!  
AC: :33 < and i do too!  
CA: she said that  
AC: :33 < yeah!  
CA: huh  
CA: so theres still a chance  
CA: evven if its the absolute longest of long shots  
AC: :33 < well  
CA: yeah yeah i knoww  
CA: i shouldnt evven be thinkin about her right noww givven all this horseshit between us and that shes wwith sol and all  
CA: its just an encouragin thought is all  
AC: :33 < right  
CA: so  
CA: yeah wwe should just put the ruddier stuff on the backburner i guess  
CA: so wwhat do wwe do in the meantime then  
CA: youre not about to fix me up wwith a kismesis are you  
AC: :33 < of course not!!  
AC: :33 < i dont care about blackrom, youre on your own with that  
CA: god nep youre so naivve  
CA: trust me i can handle my blacker quadrants just fine by myself an im not about to make you privvy to ANY a those schemes  
AC: :33 < bluh  
AC: :33 < well as long as they dont mess with my ships, you can do whatefur you want  
CA: trust me i wwas gonna  
AC: :33 < anyway no im not interested in your black quadrants  
AC: :33 < im thinking about your pale one!  
CA: ugh  
CA: you wwant me to find a moirail  
AC: :33 < yes!  
AC: :33 < i think a good meowrail is just what you n33d  
CA: wwhats the point its not like ivve got all that many trolls to be stopped from murderin  
CA: an last i checked nobodys got a livvin lusus that requires mass patricide to be committed to feed it  
AC: :33 < thats not all a meowrallegiance is about!  
AC: :33 < its about having somebody you can rely on fur emotional support  
AC: :33 < somebody you can talk to and trust with your d33pest secrets  
AC: :33 < and who can help you become a better purrson!  
CA: huh  
CA: wwhen you put it that wway i guess it sounds kinda nice  
CA: though i think you might be ovverromanticizin it a little bit  
AC: :33 < im not!  
CA: really  
CA: so are you an eq like that  
AC: :33 < of course!  
CA: wwell it seems to me like you havvent been puttin your wwork in at least because that guy is a massivve tool  
AC: :33 < hey shut up!!  
AC: :33 < equius is great  
AC: :33 < even if he is kind of annoying at times  
CA: more like all the time  
AC: :33 < ok thats enough!  
CA: alright fine  
CA: ok so im not completely opposed to the idea but wwho the fuck is supposed to be my moirail exactly  
AC: :33 < well im not really sure  
AC: :33 < but fefurry and sollux are out pawbviously  
CA: wwell yeah no shit  
AC: :33 < hmmm  
AC: :33 < oh! what about kanaya?  
AC: :33 < her pale quadrant is fr33 now, and you guys are friends, right?  
CA: hmm yeah i guess  
CA: but then again im not really sure  
CA: like ivve kinda nagged her for a wwhile an im not sure wwe wwere alwways on the best terms  
CA: an same wwith kar really hed be a great moirail too but  
CA: i dont wwant to feel like theyre just puttin up wwith me yknoww  
AC: :33 < yeah, i know that f33ling  
AC: :33 < but j33z, that kinda takes all the easy options off the table, huh?  
CA: yeah  
AC: :33 < well  
AC: :33 < maybe what you n33d is an entirely fresh start!  
AC: :33 < if youre afraid of your old friends judging you  
AC: :33 < then maybe you just n33d some new friends!  
CA: huh  
CA: yknoww i hate to say it but you might havve a point  
CA: but wwhere the FUCK am i supposed to find any neww friends  
CA: like goin dowwn the list i feel like ivve kinda established a reputation wwith evverybody as kind of a piece a shit  
CA: at this point wwhos even left  
AC: :33 < well  
AC: :33 < hmm  
AC: :33 < oh wait! ive got it!!  
CA: got wwhat  
AC: :33 < on that memo just now  
AC: :33 < gamz33 said that anybody who wanted to chill out was welcome to come to LOTAM  
AC: :33 < and no offense eridan, but youre DEFINITELY a purrson who n33ds to chill out!  
CA: wwhat  
CA: you wwant me to hang out wwith gam  
AC: :33 < yes!  
CA: are you fuckin kidding me  
CA: like wwhy the fuck wwould i wwant to associate wwith this ridiculous clowwn man  
AC: :33 < well dont be so quick to judge!  
AC: :33 < i mean, you want somebody wholl listen to all your overdramatic bullshit, right?  
AC: :33 < well, who better than gamz33?  
AC: :33 < hell just sit there and listen to efurrything!  
CA: yeah assumin he isnt so stoned outta his elongated cucurbitaceous vvegetable that it just goes in one ear an out the other  
AC: :33 < well, that can be something to work on!  
CA: ugh  
CA: i dont knoww about this nep  
CA: like on the one hand gam might be my only real option here  
CA: but that guy is an absolute piece a wwork  
CA: i already wwent to him for advvice once an the best he could do is suggest i slam a faygo  
CA: wwhich i just happened to havve layin around so i did but still  
AC: :33 < ew  
CA: wwhat  
CA: oh dont you evven get started on this  
CA: its just soda  
CA: like its not some uniquely awwful clowwn poison its just a carbonated caffeinated bevverage just like any other  
AC: :33 < so youre a faygo drinker now?  
CA: i mean yeah i guess  
CA: its wwhat i had on hand so i alchemized some more so wwhat  
AC: :33 < well, pursonally i think thats kinda horrible, but  
AC: :33 < it is one thing you two have in common!  
CA: yeah itll be an relationship built entirely upon soda  
CA: definitely a wwinnin strategy  
AC: :33 < its a start!  
CA: alright tell you wwhat  
CA: ill humor this little idea of yours and go ovver to gams  
CA: BUT  
CA: only if you go wwith me  
AC: :33 < what!!  
CA: cmon nep you cant expect me to go ovver there alone can you  
CA: youvve gotta make sure i dont just SAY ill hang out wwith him an then fuck off to wwhere the fuck evver else right  
AC: :33 < well, yeah, but  
AC: :33 < i mean  
AC: :33 < i dont like gamz33 ://  
CA: oh come ON arent you the one tryin to convvince me hes not that bad  
AC: :33 < look i dont hate him or anything!  
AC: :33 < theres just something about him that makes me  
AC: :33 < uncomfurtable  
AC: :33 < and its not just the pawbvious stuff, just  
AC: :33 < something i cant put my finger on  
CA: ok be that as it may im puttin my foot dowwn here  
CA: if you wwant me to chill wwith gam then youvve gotta be wwillin to be my plus one its literally the least you can do  
AC: :33 < ugh  
AC: :33 < i mean  
AC: :33 < i dont have to stay there the whole time right?  
AC: :33 < like if you guys want to get into some really purrsonal stuff, surely youll want some purrivacy, right?  
CA: hmm  
CA: yeah ok maybe youvve got a point  
CA: if things actually wwork out an wwe do really get into things youre definitely the last person id wwant there  
AC: :33 < whats that supposed to mean?  
CA: dont wworry about it  
CA: anywway you drivve a hard bargain but ill givve you this one  
CA: you can just stay for a bit an then if wwe establish a proper rapport then you can skedaddle ok  
AC: :33 < alright, deal  
AC: :33 < when do you want to do it?  
CA: wwell ivve got fuck all to do at the moment  
CA: so howw about right noww  
AC: :33 < oh!  
AC: :33 < thats a bit fast but  
AC: :33 < okay sure!  
CA: great  
CA: howw about you meet me at my hivve wwhile i prepare some stuff an then wwe set out together  
CA: no attempted quadrant coercions this time i promise  
AC: :33 < i should hope not :PP  
CA: but if you come onto me thats a different story  
AC: :33 < ha! in your dreams, ampurra!  
CA: yeah wwell see about that  
AC: :33 < alright, gimme a second and ill be on my way  
CA: take your time  
CA: ill be spendin some time at the alchemiter before i go to gams  
CA: god only knowws hes probably got nothin proper to eat in his hivve  
CA: but hey wwe should talk more  
CA: anytime you feel like lettin loose some of that raww bestial rage over trollian dont evven hesitate to hit me up ok  
AC: :33 < um  
AC: :33 < ill think about it?  
CA: yeah you do that  
CA: anywway see you in a bit  
AC: :33 < s33 you soon!  
  
arsenicCatnip [AC] ceased trolling caligulasAquarium [CA].  
  
CA: i think this is the start  
CA: of a beautiful relationship  
  
caligulasAquarium [CA] ceased trolling arsenicCatnip [AC]. 

Nepeta lets out a relieved sigh as she ended the conversation, relaxing a bit on the pile... and then suddenly her tablet buzzes once again. Oh right, Feferi. She tabs over. 

CC: )(ey. Done wit)( -Eridan?  
AC: :33 < oh yeah! howd you know?  
CC: W)(ale, )(e just got up and stepped away from )(is computer, for one!  
CC: It's funny, since t)(e last time I messaged you, )(e seems so muc)( more... -EN-ERG-ETIC t)(an I've sean )(im in a w)(ale.  
CC: In fact, I t)(ink I mig)(t )(ave even sean )(im... SMIL-E?  
CC: Waterever you said to )(im, I t)(ink it reely kelped!  
AC: :33 < oh  
AC: :33 < yeah, its uh  
AC: :33 < i mean thats good!  
CC: Saury to peep, but I worry aboat )(im, you know? -Even if we aren't morayeels anymore, I can't kelp mys)(ellf.  
CC: But I t)(ink )(e's in good fins now! 38)  
AC: :33 < hey, hes not in MY fins!  
AC: :33 < im actually looking fur a meowrail fur him right now  
CC: O)(! Yea)(, t)(at's probubbly a good move!  
AC: :33 < and by right now i mean  
AC: :33 < i literally n33d to go m33t him right now  
CC: O)(, so you can't keep c)(atting?  
AC: :33 < probably not, sorry! 33:  
CC: But we didn't even get to discussing t)(e possibilities for YOUR flus)(ed quadrant!  
AC: :33 < oh, uh  
AC: :33 < yeah i guess not huh  
AC: :33 < maybe next time!  
CC: W)(ale, you know...  
CC: Don't tell Sollux I said t)(is, but if I weren't wit)( )(im...  
CC: 38;)  
AC: :33 < :OO!!!!!  
CC: Anywave, bye! )(ave fun wit)( -Eridan! <3  
  
cuttlefishCuller [CC] ceased trolling arsenicCatnip [AC].  
  
AC: :33 < wait!!  
AC: :33 < you cant say something like that and just end the confursation!!!!  
  
arsenicCatnip [AC] ceased trolling cuttlefishCuller [CC]. 

She feels the slightest olive blush growing in her cheeks as she closes the Trollian window. Jeez, are _all_ seadwellers like this? It's a bit much. And she still has to go and meet up with Eridan at his hive. But still, for as much as she kinda dreads the idea of meeting him in person again, there's still some small part of her that's... looking forward to it? Well, she just wants to scratch another ship off the list, surely. She stuffs the drawing tablet into her captchalogue and leaps onto her feet, setting off towards the ascent to her first gate. And as she does, she's got a smile on her face, too... but it's definitely _not_ because of Eridan! 


	6. Of Fools and Clowns

Chapter 6

Of Fools and Clowns

caligulasAquarium [CA] began trolling terminallyCapricious [TC].  
  
CA: hey gam you there  
TC: AwWw ShIt, If It AiN’T mY oCeAnIc BrOtHeR fRoM oVeR tHe HiGh SeAs! HoW’S tHe WaTeR, mY sCuRvY sEaDoG?  
CA: i havvent been in wwater for wweeks noww  
TC: Oh YeAh, YoU gOt LeFt AlL hIgH aNd DrY aLl Up On YoUr FuCkEd Up AnGeL pLaNeT, hUh?  
CA: yeah but wwhatevver its not a big deal  
CA: anywway just wwanted to check to make sure youre still runnin your lil open house ovver there on lotam  
TC: FuCk YeAh, My AqUaTiC aMiGo. ThE pArTy DoN’T sToP uNtIl We RuN oUt Of FaYgO, wHiCh, Uh...  
TC: sHiT, aRe We RuNnIn OuT oF fAyGo? HoLd Up, LeT mE cHeCk.  
CA: nah no need to wworry about that ivve got supplies  
CA: anywway if you dont mind me an nep are gonna come ovver for a bit  
TC: Oh ShIt, YoU aNd ThE kItTyBiTcH cOmInG oVeR, hUh?  
TC: wAiT, hOlD uP, wHy ArE yOu AnD nEpS cOmInG tOgEtHeR? yOu TwO dIdN’T gO aNd HoOk Up Or SoMeThInG, dId YoU?  
CA: heh no not yet  
CA: shes just gonna be here to keep tabs on me an shell head off after a wwhile  
TC: OhHhHhHh, I gEtChA, bRoThEr. ThIs SoMe KiNdA sHiPpInG tHiNg, ThEn?  
CA: look it may or may not havve somethin to do wwith her inane shippin mission i wwont try to deny that  
CA: but really i just need to get outta my owwn head for a bit an i figure youre one of the feww thatll tolerate my presence at this point  
TC: HeLl YeAh, MoThErFuCkEr. GeT yOuR gIlLs OvEr HeRe AnD wE cAn KiCk BaCk AnD cRaCk A cOuPlE fIzZy OnEs AnD sHoOt ThE sHiT lIkE iT’S oNe Of YoUr FuCkEd Up CoNsOrTs.  
CA: haha yeah noww youre speakin my language  
CA: anywway wwere gonna be comin in through your first gate  
CA: see you in a bit  
TC: SeE yOu SoOn, HoMiE!  
TC: HoNk HoNk. :o)  
  
caligulasAquarium [CA] ceased trolling terminallyCapricious [TC]. 

***

It's a very long trip from the Land of Wrath and Angels to the Land of Tents and Mirth, and not an incredibly eventful one. Eridan was more than happy to offer to Nepeta to handle the underling-slaying duties to "pick up her slack," an offer seemingly perfectly tailored to piss her off, as she insisted that she could handle herself better than _he_ could, and the result was a particularly competitive rampage across six worlds until they finally reached Gamzee's planet.

As they approach the surface end of Gamzee's first gate, the score is dead even, 32 and 32, which Nepeta swears is only because he's been stealing her kills with that overpowered rifle of his. The gate itself is guarded by a particularly imposing giclops, but Nepeta isn't deterred in the slightest as she advances on it. Just as she's about to get to it, a bolt of bright white from Ahab's Crosshairs pierces the beast's stomach... but it's not enough to kill it! With a grin, she pounces at the massive underling, deftly scaling its torso and climbing up onto the dazed creature's shoulder.

Giclops hides are tough, so simple slashes won't do it. Instead, she takes both of her claws and puts them together back to back, then presses the points right against its neck. Then she rams them forward hard, fully piercing the creature's neck. And then all it takes is her pulling both claws to the sides to finish the job, cutting the flesh of its neck to ribbons and decapitating it in a glorious spray of purple blood. The underling's head lands on the ground with a thud, and Nepeta remains poised on its neck as its headless body topples over and crashes into the earth. And then, finally, the remains vanish in a rewarding puff of build grist, Nepeta alighting gracefully on the ground.

The bloodstained catgirl looks up at Eridan with a grin, as if to say _this could be your blood_ , and he finds it difficult to breathe for a moment. "That's thirty three!" she declares as she stands once again, thrusting a triumphant thumb at her own chest. "I win!"

Eventually, Eridan shakes himself out of his spell, his expression shifting to a more familiar sneer. "Yeah, whatever, you only got that one cause I softened him up," he's quick to insist.

"Yeah, softened up its guts, maybe," Nepeta replies skeptically. "I cut its _head_ off, Eridan!"

He puts his rifle away and crosses his arms. "Yeah, alright, so you're not as defenseless as you seem," he eventually concedes.

Nepeta smiles widely, and she prods a defiant finger in his direction. "And don't you furget it!" With that matter settled and the grist collected, all that's left is for the two of them to go through the gate to Gamzee's tower. The pair slowly approaches, but come to a stop before crossing through it properly.

The oliveblood looks over at Eridan. "You, uh, ready?"

"Course I'm ready," he's quick to answer once again. "I spent all the time it took you comin' to my hive preparin'." The seadweller looks over at her, and seeing the blood-covered state she's in, he frowns. "Are _you_ ready? Sure you don't need a bath?"

"Oh, what, this?" she asks, gesturing at herself. "No, this is fine! I can just wipe it off. In fact..." She reaches over and grabs the end of Eridan's scarf and begins to wipe the bloodstains off her coat.

He sputters a bit in disbelief before he finally speaks up. "H-hey! No!" he protests, snatching the now-bloody scarf and yanking it out of Nepeta's hand. "My scarf ain't a shammy cloth for wipin' up your filthy fuckin' messes!"

She just giggles at that. "Oh! So you want me to use your cape instead?" she asks teasingly, beginning to reach for it already, but he quickly slaps her hand away, and she drops it. Unlike some people, she's not all that fussy about bloodstains.

"Honestly," Eridan mutters as he looks at his scarf, taking it in both hands and wringing some of the blood out of it onto the ground. "I use a ranged weapon so I can avoid shit like this."

Nepeta smiles. "Well, you've got other scarves, right?" she assures him. "And if you don't, well, just have Kanaya make you a new one!"

He lets out a little growl. "Look, if you're honestly fine with presentin' yourself like that, then let's just go already."

She _is_ fine presenting herself like this, and she holds her head high as she marches toward the gate, Eridan quickly following behind. The two of them find themselves deposited on the lower levels of Gamzee's tower, and the first thing to come to their attention is... "Oh! It _is_ handicap-accessible!" Nepeta observes, walking up to the entrance of a great wheelchair ramp that seems to spiral around the entire building.

"Well, Tav _is_ his server player," Eridan points out, though he's impressed by the sheer scope of it. "But why'd he put so much effort to it when he'd have to go through ten planets to get here? Why would he even _go_ to the bottom levels?"

"Well, that's easy," Nepeta replies. "In case he wanted to hang out with Gamzee!" Does Eridan even know the two of them are friends? Well, whatever. Her attention is focused on a little control panel at the end of one of the handrails on the wheelchair ramp, and she curiously reaches over and presses one of the buttons. She's shocked when a large, flat platform suddenly slides up from the bottom of the ramp and stops right at her feet. "Oh!" The stares at the platform for a moment before stepping on, turning around to face Eridan and gesturing to the empty space next to her. "Shall we?"

Eridan shrugs and steps onto the platform, and with another button press, the platform begins to slowly move down the ramp. "Huh. Didn't even know you could make stuff like this," the seadweller remarks. In his defense, he's known that Tavros had a flight-capable rocket chair since before he reached his second gate, and the brownblood basically never left his hive these days anyway.

The two stand in silence as the platform carries them along, eventually coming to a stop right at the front door to Gamzee's hive. Nepeta looks over at Eridan, who simply nods in the direction of the door, and she approaches and gives it a knock... only to find that it's already open. Pushing it forward, the two of them are unsurprised to see Gamzee sitting in his respiteblock, leaning on his side on a sack-chair full of leguminous protein objects in front of his coffee table. Who they _are_ suprised to see, though, is Tavros, leaning forward in his wheelchair and doing something with a set of cards atop the table.

As the door creaks open, both trolls look over at their new visitors, and Gamzee raises his hand in a lazy wave, giving them a wide, hazy grin. "Oh, hey, motherfuckers."

Nepeta is the first to wave back. "Uh, hi, Gamzee!" she says cheerily, but a little nervously. "And... Tavros! I... didn't realize you'd be here!"

"Oh, uh, yeah, hi," Tavros mumbles in response, raising his hand in something approximating a wave as well. "I was, um, asleep, but then I woke up, and... well, I decided to hang out."

Seems reasonable enough to Nepeta. She looks over at Eridan, as if to ask if he's okay with Tavros there, and he just shrugs. "Well, he was here before we were," he admits, looking over to Gamzee. "We still good to hang out?"

"Sure as shit, my brother," the indigoblood assures him, leaning down to pick up his half-empty bottle of grape Faygo to raise in a toast. "Tavs here was just tryin' to teach me this card game while waited off ya, but... I think this shit's above me."

Eridan cocks an eyebrow as he approaches the table. "What card game?"

"Oh, it's the Fiduspawn card game," Tavros answers, beginning to collect the cards back into his deck. "You can play it without the oogonibombs or host plushes, but, uh, I never had anybody to play it with, so I only had a few decks." He lets out a nervous laugh, his other hand rubbing at his knee. "But then I, um, I couldn't sleep for a few hours, so, I looked up all the cards online, and alchemized them, and... well, now I've got a few dozen of every card ever printed."

"Hey, wait, I've heard a' this one," the seadweller mumbles as he walks up to the table, picking up one of the cards and inspecting it. "This is a Black Nelumbonaceus, right? These things went for fifty thousand caegars a piece on Alternia."

The brownblood lets out a dry laugh. "Well, they're worthless now," he replies. "Especially since they're, uh, banned in almost every format." Still, Eridan feels a strange desire to hold onto it, and he finds himself slipping it into his sylladex.

"Right, well, that's interesting an' all, but you mind clearin' off this table?" he asks. "There's some stuff I wanna lay out here."

"Oh, uh, sure," Tavros replies, beginning to gather the cards up. "I don't think Gamzee has the, uh... ruthless tactical drive to appreciate this game." He shoots a nervous smile Gamzee's way, hoping he didn't offend him with his assessment, but the clown is as chill and serene as ever.

Immediately, Eridan cocks an eyebrow. "Really?" He rubs his chin for a moment. "Well, maybe you can teach me later, an' I'll absolutely destroy you at it."

Tavros lets out another chuckle as he finishes scooping up the cards into his sylladex. "We'll, heh, see about that."

Once the table is cleared, Eridan steps around to the side of it, Gamzee and Tavros to either side of him. "Anyway! Feast your eyes, gentlemen, because I've got a treasure trove right fuckin' here!" With a flourish, he produced from his sylladex a massive cooler, which he slams down right in front of him at the edge of the table, making Tavros jump in his wheelchair, though Gamzee is just as spaced out as ever. He reaches forward to the handle of the cooler, and slowly pulled it open, revealing its contents: a wide and bristling array of Faygo bottles in a brilliant rainbow of colors, dozens of flavors that none save for Eridan had ever seen before.

That's enough to get a reaction out of Gamzee, and his eyes widen as he looks over Eridan's carbonated offering, leaning forward as he stared at the soda, mouth agape. "Bro... holy shit," he mumbled, looking like he was about to crawl over the table to get to them. "Where... where'd you get all this wicked motherfuckin elixir?"

"I alchemized it," Eridan is quick to answer. "You can combine a Faygo bottle with pretty much fuckin' anything an' you'll get a new flavor. They aren't all winners, but these are all tried an' tested." Clearly, Eridan has a lot of time to sample new flavors of soda.

"Uh... can I...?"

Eridan gives a little wave over the whole set. "Take your pick."

Gamzee hesitates for a moment, looking like a wriggler in a candy store, but eventually, one of them catches his eye. "Shit, dude, what is this?" he asks, reaching over and pulling out a bottle with a golden label, the contents being an unusual swirl of red and blue liquid. "Is that... more than one color? How the fuck do you up and do that?"

"Oh, yeah, the Appleberry Blast," Eridan remarks. "I got that when I mixed a bottle with Sol's glasses. He dropped 'em on the ground after one of our scuffles, so I figured why the hell not. Course mister two-of-fuckin'-everything can't settle for one flavor."

While Eridan is explaining, Gamzee cracks the bottle open, taking the cap off and taking a sip. He reels back a little, eyes widening and blinking as the two flavors combine on his tongue. "Whoa... that shit's crazy, yo..." Eventually, he shakes his head, screwing the cap back on. "I think this motherfucker might be too much for my dumb ass right now."

Eridan chuckles. "It takes a while to get used to," he admits, extending a hand to Gamzee. "I'll take it if you don't want it, though." Gamzee hands the bottle back to him, and the seadweller twists the cap off, knocking it back and taking a long few swigs of it. "Honestly, I hated this one at first, but now it's one a' my favorites. It really grows on you."

After taking a moment to savor the flavor, Eridan reaches down and pulls out another bottle with a swirl of two-colored cola. "Here, this one should be a little easier on your palate."

As Eridan extends the bottle to him, Gamzee accepts it, and takes a moment to take a look at the label. "PBJ? Shit, like the sandwich?"

"It's better than it-" Eridan is cut off by the hissing of Gamzee immediately twisting the cap open. "...sounds."

The indigoblood immediately knocks the bottle back and takes a swig, and his reaction is a lot more straightforward this time. "Holy fuck, it's just like biting into a sammy!" he marveled, taking another sip. "Peanut butter, grape jelly, just a bit of rye... that's some fuckin' miraculous shit. It's like magic, brah."

Eridan clears his throat. "It's _science_ ," he corrects Gamzee. "Punchcard alchemy, specifically. An' I'll thank you not to denigrate the empirical processes by which they were wrought." His honor as an empiricist thoroughly defended, he turns to Tavros. "How about you, Tav? Want one?"

Tavros is a little dazed at the sheer variety of flavors in front of him, and he bites his lip as he looks over them. "I mean... there's a lot to pick from," he admits, and then looks up at Eridan sheepishly. "But, uh... I kinda just want another grape?"

The seadweller ponders this for a moment, and then shrugs. "Hey, nothin' wrong with the classics." He reaches down and pulls out a bottle of purple Faygo, which he extends over to Tavros. The lowblood mumbles a quiet 'thanks' before he opens it up 

And then he looks up to Nepeta, who's been looking over this whole thing with mild disapproval. "Alrgiht, Nep, it's your turn. Pick your poison."

"Wh-what? No way!" she immediatedly replies, sneering and holding her hands up defensively. "I don't drink Faygo."

"What's wrong?" Eridan asks with a smirk. "Scared?"

Nepeta immediately glowers at him. "Of course not! I just... purrfur tea, is all."

"Oh, tea?" The seadweller looks down at the cooler, pulling out a bottle of light brown liquid with a green label. "Here, there's a green tea flavor. It's not even carbonated. Here, catch."

He tosses it her way, and Nepeta jumps in place before quickly catching it. She eyes the bottle warily for a moment, shaking it up and inspecting the contents closely, before eventually sighing and twisting it open. Eridan continues to look at her expectantly, and she cautiously takes a sip. Well... "It's better hot, but it's fine, I guess." At least it had plenty of sugar.

"Awwww, hell yeah, my catsister kickin' back the wicked elixir for the first motherfuckin' time!" Gamzee delights, thrusting his own bottle of Faygo up into the air triumphantly and spilling a bit on himself.

"It's just tea!" she's quick to insist.

"C'mon, Nep, no need to freak out," Eridan assures her, and he gestures at the leguminous protein object chair across from him. "Have a seat, just chill." Gamzee lets out a little laugh, nodding sagely at his advice. Nepeta just grumbles as she shuffles forward, flopping down onto the bag with a little huff.

"Well, my seadwelling sibling, you are too generous by motherfuckin' far," Gamzee insists, sitting up a bit, "so I think it's about time for me to share a little something at you as well." He slowly reaches a hand down to the table, lifting up a pie tin full of translucent green slime and extending it toward Eridan. "Have a pie, brother."

The violetblood eyes the offering suspiciously, and slowly reaches his free hand down under the 'pie' and picking it up to inspect it. "Is this... sopor slime?"

Gamzee grins. "Yeah, dude. It helps you chill."

"You... eat this?"

The indigoblood just nods. Eridan stares at him disbelievingly, looking over to Tavros for a moment as if to ask if this is a fucking joke, but Tavros just gives him a bashful little shrug. As he looks back, he frowns. "Gam, you can't eat this shit, it puts holes in your brain."

In response, Gamzee blows a raspberry. "Naw, c'mon, man, it's totally cool. Don't be a narc."

"Gam, it's..." Eridan almost can't believe what he's hearing. "It's been scientifically proven that consuming more than a few mouthfuls of sopor slime a night causes actual fuckin' brain damage. An' you're tellin' me you drink a... pie tin fulla this shit, what, multiple times a day?"

He grins. "Only every day of my life, motherfucker."

The seadweller's face falls. "You've gotta be fuckin' _kidding_ me."

"Hey, now, I may joke a lot, but never about a pie, brother," Gamzee insists. "But if you ain't gonna eat it, at least share it on another motherfucker, like that dude over there." He points across the room to an imp that's somehow snuck its way into Gamzee's hive, though it doesn't seem to be hostile at the moment.

Eridan starts slightly when he sees the imp, but then just the subtlest smirk appears on his face. "Okay, Gam, listen, these pies are good for one thing and one thing only," he explains. And then, he carefully lifts the pie, holding it up behind his shoulder, and _flings_ it right in the imp's direction. Before the creature can respond, the sopor pie collides with its face with a loud _splut_ , and it reels and collapses on its back from the force of the projectile. The underling's limbs go rigid for a moment, and then slowly go limp. The pie tin on its face shifts slightly as the imp begins to gently snore beneath it.

Gamzee's reaction is an instantaneous fit of laughter, doubling over and nearly spilling his soda in his mirth. "Hahaha, holy _shit_ , bro, that was an _epic_ prank! Some seriously classic dark carnival shit!"

"What can I say, I'm a pretty good shot," Eridan replies with the falsest of modesty, and he looks over to Nepeta with a smirk. "That's thirty-three, by the way."

Nepeta huffs, turning and inspecting the fallen imp. "It's just asleep. That doesn't count as a kill." She brings her hands up, producing her claws with an audible _snikt_. "Maybe I should make it thirty-four!"

She's about to leap across the room when Gamzee's hand shoots out to grab her by the wrist. "Whoa, hey there, sister. This is a chill place, alright? We don't go off killing motherfuckers in their sleep about here." Nepeta is a little offended at the prospect, but eventually she sighs and relents, flopping back down on the chairbag, and Gamzee releases her arm.

"Look, no more pies," Eridan insists, bending down to clear the remaining tins empty and full off the table. "You're not gonna poison yourself with this shit anymore, alright?"

For the first time, Gamzee looks visibly non-chill as the pies are taken away, his face distraught. "But... what am I gonna eat, bro?" he pleads.

Eridan sighs. "C'mon, you've got other shit in your hive you can eat, right?"

"No, man, it's just the pies."

The seadweller gives Gamzee a horrified look. "You... you seriously don't have _one_ other fuckin' thing in this place you can feed yourself with?"

Gamzee ponders it for a moment. "Well, them and Faygo."

Eridan's hands drop to his sides, and his jaw drops. "You've gotta be..." No, Gamzee is absolutely not kidding him. He sighs. "Alright, look! You want a pie?" he asks, and then he retrieves a large, flat cardboard box from his sylladex. "Then have a fuckin' pizza pie!" He slams it down on the table, the top of the box flopping open to reveal an extra large piping hot pizza, covered in a wide array of diced up meats and vegetables, and what even appeared to be little pieces of fish and shrimp, all on a bed of molten mozzarella so thick that the marinara beneath it could barely be seen.

The other three trolls eye the offering with wide eyes, and while they watch, Eridan grabs a nearby stack of empty pie tins. "Here, we can use these as plates." He slips a hand under the pizza and lifts up a slice, several strings of cheese staying connected to the rest, stretching until they finally break, and then he drops it into the topmost tin, offering it to Gamzee. The indigoblood accepts the slice, eyeing it curiously, one hand tentatively reaching for it, but not sure where to start.

Tavros is the first one to give him some advice. "You, uh, hold it by the crust," he says, and as Eridan hands him his own slice, he demonstrates. "And then you put the, uh, pointy part, I guess? In your mouth. And bite it."

Slowly, Gamzee does as Tavros suggests, and as he takes the first bite of the slice and begins to chew on it, a look of _revelation_ comes upon his face. "Holy _shit_ , that's good," he marvels, mouth still half-full of pizza, which he quickly swallows before taking another desperate bite.

"Course it is. What, you've never had pizza before?" Eridan has to wonder. Gamzee just shakes his head as he continues eating.

Nepeta leans toward the melty monstrosity curiously. "I didn't really take you fur a pizza guy, Ampurra," she tells him as she grabs a piece for herself, not bothering with a plate. As she takes a bite, she has to admit it's pretty good, though she usually prefers her food a little less cooked and a little more bloody. "Wouldn't it get soggy underwater?"

Eridan huffs. "Well, that's why I don't take it underwater," he rebuffs as he takes a slice for himself. "Don't tell Fef I said this, but I'm more of a surface-dweller than anything."

Gamzee finishes devouring the slice of pizza in record time, washing it down with a big swig of Faygo, and he takes a moment to look over at Eridan. As he does, there are indigo tears beginning to well in his eyes. "Brother... this is the nicest thing anybody's ever done to me."

As the seadweller looks over at him, he lets out a nervous laugh. "What, givin' you a bottle of soda an' a slice of pizza? C'mon, Gam, that's nothin'."

"Naw, man," Gamzee insists, his hand curling around the neck of his bottle of soda. "I mean... nobody ever tried to feed me properly. I ain't even remember the last time I had a decent meal."

"What, your lusus didn't feed you?"

Gamzee lets out a dry laugh. "My lusus wasn't even around. Even after I prototyped the motherfucker, he ain't even spoken at me." He looks toward the window, squinting slightly to see if he can glimpse even the most distant speck of glowing white-and-purple on the horizon, but there's not even a glimmer. "Prolly ashamed for havin' such a stupid piece of shit grub, huh?"

Eridan grimaces. "Well, shit. Here I am thinkin' I've got all the problems in the world, but at least I've got a lusus who's around." He can't even imagine how terrible his life would be if he didn't have Seahorsedad. "Fuck man, I had no idea."

"Well, ain't nobody did," Gamzee explains, taking another long swig of his soda as he stares at the window. "I'm a chill motherfucker, y'know? Didn't want to burden any other motherfuckers to my problems, so I just... kept it to myself. Figured it was best if nobody knew."

There's an uncomfortable silence for a minute, and Tavros seems like he's about to something, mumbling a quiet "um" before falling quiet again. But Eridan hears it, and he quickly shoots a curious look his way, and the brownblood gulps, a bit of guilt on his face. "I, uh..." he starts as the seadweller continues to stare. "I... knew about it."

Gamzee looks over at him. "Huh?"

"Well, I... I've been over here, um, more than a few times, before the whole... game and all," he explains, nervously rubbing his hand against his shirt to wipe off the grease from the pizza. "And I never saw your lusus, so... I just kind of... figured." He looks down at his bottle of soda, gnawing at his bottom lip just a bit. "Sorry, I guess I should've... said something, or, done something, or..."

Before he can continue, Gamzee suddenly climbs up out of his seat, almost crawling up onto the table as he leans across it rest a hand on Tavros's. "No, no, Tav... don't blame yourself for any of this shit," he quickly assures him, and he gently clasps the lowblood's hand in both of his own. "You're my best motherfuckin' bro in the whole world... and I ain't _never_ gonna try and pin that shit to you, okay?"

Tavros looks down at Gamzee's hands, and his gaze slowly, hesitantly moves up to meet the highlood's own. "I... okay," he eventually says, the slightest nervous smile on his face. "Thanks, Gamzee."

It's a surprisingly tender scene, and Nepeta stops in place as she's eating her slice of pizza, not wanting to do anything to ruin the moment. But then Eridan speaks up. "Y'know, Gam, I gotta be honest with you," he says, and as Gamzee returns to his seat, Nepeta lets out a slightly annoyed sigh and takes another drink of her Fayg--her _tea_. "If you'd come to me with all a' this yesterday, I wouldn't' a' thought your problems amounted to jack shit," the seadweller continues, leaning toward Gamzee a bit. "I was convinced the whole fuckin' world was out to get me, and nobody could possibly understand what I was goin' through. But..." He looks down at his soda, swishing it around a bit in his hand, but not taking another drink. "Well, recently somethin' happened to me that shook me all outta that."

As Gamzee relaxes once more, he takes another swig of his soda, and hearing Eridan talking, he grins, nodding knowingly. "Oh, I get you, motherfucker," he assures the seadweller. "It was a miracle, right?"

Immediately, Eridan lets out a disgusted groan. " _No_ , it wasn't a fuckin'..." he starts to protest, but then he suddenly stops to consider it. "Well... no, maybe it was a miracle. Right, Nep?" He looks up at the oliveblood, who just rolls her eyes and takes another bite of her slice of pizza.

"Haha, fuck yeah!" Gamzee cheers, raising his bottle of Faygo towards Eridan. "A toast to my maritime motherfucker becomin' a believer!"

Part of Eridan thinks this entire prospect is incredibly stupid, but he just lets out an amused breath through his lips. "Cheers, I'll drink to that, bro," he concedes, tapping his bottle of Faygo against Gamzee's with an unsatisfying lack of a clink, before both of them take a long swig.

The seadweller lowers his soda with a refreshed sigh, cradling it in his hand as he looks up at the ceiling. "I won't get too much into the specifics of it, since I don't want to pad the perpetrator's ego too fuckin' much," he continues, eliciting a dry laugh from Nepeta. "But basically... I was in a really dark place. I'd loved Fef... or at least thought I'd loved Fef for so long, but as soon as we got in the game, she just broke things off entirely. Ran off with some mustardblood, an' I'd convinced myself that he'd stolen her from me somehow, twisted her against me."

He looks down into his bottle of Faygo, swishing it around and watching the two colors of fluid swirl together, but never completely mix, always separating back into a distinct red and blue. He's sure there's some scientific explanation for how, but he can't think of it at the moment. "So I isolated myself. I figured if I couldn't even trust Fef, I couldn't trust anyone. Felt like the whole world was against me." He lets out a dry laugh. "Hell, even this fuckin' game was out to get me, spawnin' me on a planet full of fuckin' angels of all things. I stopped talkin' to anybody. Barely left my hive. And the whole time, that darkness inside me festered."

"And then..." He looks up briefly at Nepeta. "...this whole shippin' thing happened."

The seadweller looks back down once again, taking a brief moment to sip his soda before continuing. "At first, I didn't think much of it. I don't think anybody else did either, really. But then the next memo comes up, and Nep's gone and done the impossible between Vris an' Kan, an' I thought... I deserved that, too." He draws in a long breath, letting it out in a sigh. "After all this time in the darkness, I wanted light. Distorted, artificial light..."

He bites his lip. "So I asked for it," he says, and then lets out a dry laugh, his mouth curling in the slightest smirk. "An' instead of gettin' what I asked for, I called down a celestial fuckin' tempest upon myself, an' basically just ripped my soul out of my body an' then shoved it back in again, like I was wearin' it inside out or somethin' an' makin' a fuckin' fool of myself."

Gamzee blinks, taking a moment to try to process this. "Wait, what happened? I don't get it."

Eridan looks up to Nepeta. "Can I tell him?"

"Please don't."

"Alright, alright," Eridan concedes, rolling his eyes. "Look, Gam, I'll show you the log later. It's a thing a' beauty."

Nepeta glares. "Eridan!"

The seadweller just snickers in response, taking the opportunity to take another bite of his slice of pizza. "Anyway, the point is, I realized that basically all this shit that was happenin' to me was my own damn fault. Or I was blowin' it out of proportion, or it wasn't even happenin' at all," he continues, taking another sip of his soda. "Fef broke up with me because we weren't happy together. An' she just hooked up with Sol because she likes him, I guess. An' even the fuckin' angels didn't attack me until I attacked them first." He sighs. "I realized the world wasn't out to get me. If anything, _I_ was out to get me. An' I still had plenty a' choices, but I just ignored 'em, because I thought it was obvious they weren't the right ones."

As Eridan's exposition begins to wind down, Gamzee nods, taking another swig of his Faygo. "Right on, brother. Sounds like you managed that crisis of beliefs within some major fuckin' grace," he tells him. "Don't know if I could up and manage that kinda shit myself."

Eridan bites his lip for a moment before leaning a bit closer to Gamzee, one of his hands moving onto the landdweller's knee. "Gam, look," he says, a bit of uncertainty in his voice. "After talkin' like this, I kinda feel like we're... kindred spirits, you an' I."

Gamzee looks down at the hand on his leg, then up at Eridan, and he blinks. "You do?"

"Yeah, I mean... we're both kinda the outcasts of the group, y'know?" Eridan posits. "I mean, sure, you've got Tav over here sometimes, but for the most part, we're kinda on our own out here. An', well... I don't think it's entirely self-inflicted, either."

"Uh... what do you mean?" the indigoblood asked.

Eridan looks away for a moment. "I mean... look, I mean it's 'cause we're both kinda unbearable to be around," he explains. "No offense. Well, okay, some offense, but it's directed at you an' me both equally."

Gamzee shrugs. "Nah, man, it's chill."

"But look, I think... I think we can turn things around. For you an' me both," the seadweller goes on. "It's not gonna be easy, but I think we could really... help each other out."

There's the slighest violet blush on his face as he speaks, and as Gamzee thinks about what he's saying, his own cheeks begin to grow a similar color as well. "Bro, are you... are you asking what I think you're asking."

Eridan hesitates for a moment. "I mean... kinda, yeah," he admits. "But look, I don't want you to think I'm just on the rebound from Fef or somethin', okay? That was all just a sham from the very beginnin', but... talkin' with you tonight, I feel like we could actually have somethin' here." After a moment, he takes the hand that isn't on Gamzee's shoulder and extends it toward him, index and middle fingers splayed out in something like a peace sign, but pointed right at him. "So... what do you say? Would you give it a shot?"

Nepeta's hands move up to cover her mouth, and she takes in a long, nervous breath at the sight of this. For his part, Gamzee bites his lip, staring down at Eridan's hand for a long time before he eventually gives his answer, spreading his own fingers and pressing the tips against Eridan's, forming a diamond. "Shit, man, why the fuck not?"

The seadweller just lets out a nervous, breathy laugh at that, a smile breaking in on his nervous face. "I can't believe I'm actually doin' this, but... I'm kind of excited."

"Ha, same here, motherfucker," Gamzee assures him, but the look on his face slowly grows pensive.

Eridan notices the change, and he raises an eyebrow. "Somethin' wrong?"

Gamzee looks down for a moment. "I was just... thinkin' around you and Fef," he admits. "You really gonna go and give up on her just like that?"

"Well, I mean..." One of the seadweller's hands goes up right to his scarf, a finger snaking under it to scratch at his neck. "I don't even know if I really did love her, or if I just thought I was entitled to her, y'know?"

"Well, what about now?" Gamzee asks. "Do you still love her?"

Eridan doesn't want to think about it, but he does, and... "I... think I might, yeah," he's eventually forced to admit. "But it's not like it matters now. She's with Sol."

Gamzee shrugs. "True, but even the most seaworthiest of ships doesn't stay afloat for-motherfuckin'-ever, you know what I mean? And if it sinks, you might have a chance at her." From Nepeta's previous conversation, she knows someone else who has a better chance, but she's not about to say anything about that.

The seadweller is hesitant to respond. "Sure, but..."

The indigoblood's hand moves up to grasp Eridan's shoulder. "I don't think you should give up for her, bro," he advises him. "I think you're the matesprit she deserves, but not the one she needs right now."

Eridan blinks. "But why?"

"Because I know what it's like, loving somebody with all your pump biscuit, but knowin' you can never be together," Gamzee replies. "Nobody deserves that shit."

"Whoa, Gam, what do you mean?" Eridan quickly asks in response. "Is there somebody you like like that?"

Immediately, Gamzee becomes nervous. "Uh, I... I mean, well, whomst among us doesn't know the pain of unrequited love, you know what I'm gettin' on, bro? I mean, just in general, not like, uh..." Still, he's got a point. Eridan knows it, Nepeta knows it, and even Tavros knows it.

But Eridan knows better than to press the point. "No, no, I get it, you don't wanna talk about it in front a' these two," he replies, tilting his head towards Nepeta and Tavros. Gamzee just nods silently, looking away abashedly. "That's totally fine. Look, we can talk all about it in private. I've got some irons in the fire of my own, lemme tell you."

"Oh, shit, you got some other motherfucker what you're gunning flushed at?" Gamzee presumes, but the seadweller quickly sakes his head.

"Nah, nah, I'm puttin' matesprits on the backburner for now," he assures Gamzee. "I'm interested in somethin' much darker at the moment... but I'm not exactly at liberty to talk about that in front of our present company either."

He shoots a knowing look at Nepeta, who doesn't return it quite as knowingly as she rises from her leguminous chair. "Alright, alright, I should get going," she concedes, and then claps her hands excitedly. "But I'm really happy fur you two! I think this could be the beginning of something really excellent!"

Eridan tilts his now half-empty Faygo bottle towards Nepeta in something like a toast. "Yeah, yeah, just give us a bit before you rope us into your next shippin' memo, alright?"

"Right, right... I need to decompurress after eating this silly city-dweller food." She takes one last bite of her slice of pizza, leaving nothing but the crust, which she tosses back into the box. She was never really a bread person anyway. After eyeing everyone else for a moment, Gamzee reaches in and grabs it, taking a bite of one of the ends. No reason to waste perfectly good food.

"Oh, and Nep?" Eridan remarks, looking at Nepeta with a cocky smirk. "You're welcome."

She huffs. "No, _you're_ welcome!" she immediately retorts, and he just grins and clicks a finger-gun her way.

"Um, I should probably go too, then," Tavros remarks, setting down his pie-plate and screwing the cap back onto his bottle of Faygo as he rests it in his lap.

"Oh, Tavros!" Nepeta turns to the brownblood, beginning to approach him. "Where are you headed? Did you want some help?"

One of his hands rubs nervously at his wrist as the other remains wrapped around the neck of his soda bottle. "Oh, well, I was just gonna... go upstairs and, go back to sleep," he answers bashfully. "But yeah, I could... use some help."

Nepeta slides around behind Tavros's wheelchair, stuffing her green tea Faygo into her sylladex before gripping both of the four wheel device's handles. As she does, Gamzee raises his Faygo in salute to both of them. "Sleep well, my brother!" he wishes to Tavros. "And thanks for comin' over, sister. Anytime you wanna chill, well, my door's always open."

She gives him a little wave. "Uh, sure thing, Gamzee!" she replies not entirely enthusiastically. "Anyway, have fun, you too!"

As she begins to wheel Tavros towards the door, he waves to both of them as well, and while they're making their exit, Eridan produces a shellphone from his sylladex. "Anyway, Gam, you _gotta_ read this..." he says as he leans toward his new moirail, pulling his Trollian open, and Gamzee leans around to take a look at it.

But Nepeta isn't there long enough to stop him. She's got a pleased smile on her face as she pushes Tavros out of the hive, moving toward the platform on the wheelchair ramp. "Well, that was... purroductive!" she concludes, and she looks down to her wide-horned friend. "What do you think, Tavros?"

She rolls him onto the platform, and before she can ask which floor his room is on, his hand is already moving for the control panel, one button press locking his wheelchair into place so it didn't go rolling off the platform as it moved, and another sending it upwards on its path. "It's, uh, good, I think," he replies a little uncertainly. "It does kinda seem like Gamzee... needs somebody like that, and, well... Eridan isn't as, um, scary as I thought."

"Pfff, Eridan isn't scary," Nepeta immediately retorts. "He's just an idiot."

Tavros lets out a little chuckle. "Heh... yeah, maybe," he concedes. "I think it could work out..." He hesitates for a moment, looking out over LOTAM as the platform elevates. "But..."

Nepeta raises an eyebrow. "But what?"

"Well..." His hand nervously twists around the neck of his Faygo bottle. "I've talked to Gamzee a few times when he was out of sopor, and he gets kind of, uh... weird," he explains. "I'm just... worried, because Eridan said he wanted him to, uh, not eat any pies at all, and... I'm afraid that might be... dangerous."

Admittedly, Nepeta doen't know the first thing about habitual sopor abuse herself, so she can't offer much in the way of advice. "Well... maybe. But I think Eridan's heart is in the right place," she figures. "I think it'll purrobably turn out fine. And if it doesn't, well... maybe you can help! Right?"

He bites his lip. "Yeah, I guess..."

Soon enough, they've arrived at the floor with what appears to be the saferoom Gamzee was talking about in the memo before, constructed out of some kind of... strange, material Nepeta had never seen before, striped with an array of dazzling circus-y colors. As she wheels Tavros closer, she brings a hand forward against the wall of it, surprised to feel the almost plushy material seeming to give under the force of her arm... only to gasp as it suddenly snapped back into place, pushing her hand away with surprising velocity. "Whoa! That _is_ purretty safe," she remarks.

"Yeah, it's called 'bozoite', apparently?" Tavros tells her. "However hard you push against it, it pushes back just as hard." He rolls up to the door of the room on his own, twisting the vault-like handle on it open and pulling it back, revealing a mostly bare room, dominated by what at first glance appears to be a pile of bike horns... but on closer inspection, all of them have had their horns removed, leaving nothing but a pile of hollow, rubbery black balls. "Well, anechoic bozoite, actually. Pure bozoite is a lot more resistant, and a lot... louder."

As Tavros wheels into the room, Nepeta follows behind him, and as she does, she's surprised. "Wow, it's so... quiet in here!" she remarks, the background horns and organs of Gamzee's planet fading into complete silence.

Tavros nods, and he rolls toward the pile. "Yeah, it's pretty nice. Hey, could you, um, close the door behind you, please?"

She thinks about it, but as Tavros pushes himself up out of his wheelchair, turning and falling onto the pile of horn balls, she suddenly finds a yawn forming in her throat. She opens her mouth wide, stretching her hands high above her hand. "Actually... would you mind if I joined you?" she asks, reaching one of her stretching arms back to the handle of the door and pulling it closed behind her.

"Oh. Uh... no, that'd be fine," Tavros answered, still a little surprised as he reclines on the pile. But as Nepeta steps forward, he bites his lip. "But, uh... would you mind taking that coat off?" he asks sheepishly. "I don't want to get any... purple blood on me."

Nepeta looks down, suddenly remembering that, yes, she's still covered in giclops blood, immediately becoming a little embarrassed. "Oh! Hee hee, yeah, sorry," she says, bashfully slipping her coat off... though there's still a pretty big stain on her shirt too. "Uh, hey, how about this?" She twists the coat around so the back is covering her front, no bloodstains having gotten back there, and then she flops down on the pile next to Tavros, snuggling up in the coat like a blanket.

Tavros is a little surprised as she lands next to him, but this arrangement seems mostly agreeable to him. "Y-yeah, that should be fine," he answers. "As long as there's not too much... ah..." Suddenly, he breathes in, letting out a sneeze onto the olive coat. "...lusus hair on it."

The oliveblood can't help but giggle at that. "Well, if it gets too bad, I'll just throw it somewhere else, okay?" She waits a moment for a response, but she doesn't get one. "Tavros?" Soon, she hears something from him: the sound of soft snoring.

Well, that was fast. As Nepeta looks up at the ceiling, she thinks about everything that's happened in the past hour. Admittedly, she hadn't really put that much thought into Eridan and Gamzee being moirails, but... it certainly did seem like they had chemistry. Even if it wasn't something she would've come up with herself, maybe she should just let it happen. But... still, there's something about it that worries her, something she can't quite put her finger on.

But she's probably just doubting herself too much again! Karkat said that he trusts her shipping judgment, and that's worth even more than trusting herself. She'll gladly mark this off as another ship successfully launched, and when the time comes around, she'll open up a new shipping memo and announce it for all the world to see! But for now, she's been awake for entirely too long, and as she closes her eyes, she slowly begins to dip into slumber as well, visions of future ships dancing in her head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry again for the delays on this one. Hit kind of a slump writing it, and job search stuff and another writing challenge didn't help. I'll start working on chapter 7 right away, and hopefully I can build up a bit of a backlog again.


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